I just want things to go back to the way they used to be

[Rotto]

The title of this thread is a similar sentiment said by plenty, but for a reason.

 

If a time machine existed, I'd go back, no problem. 2008-2009. I was comfortable, complacent and happy. Before everything went straight to hell (the relationship).

 

Now, as much as I usually won't admit it, I resent her. The way she lied, the way she cheated, the way she came back into my life after eight months and screwed me over again. She called herself a "bad person" and "crazy person" before going out and having a baby and getting engaged with some schmuck. I know she still lies. She lied to me, lied to her friends, her family and she'll lie to others in the future.

 

But it's none of my business, so why the hell do I care that she's a liar? It's been two years and ten days since we had an actual conversation. After all this time, I feel angrier than ever, more than I was back then. It used to be mostly sadness, but now it's anger, majorly. Maybe it's subconsciously directed at myself.

 

But again, why does it bother me so much when I think about her still being a liar and cheater today when, now, her actions no longer affect me? It's not a matter of having too much time on my hands. I'm a busy person with hobbies, but my mind wanders. Lack of focus? Not really. Things just remind me of her, and because of how intense and passionate our relationship was, deep down I still love her (as in who she was in 2008-2009 and not what she rendered & regressed into) and think of her often.

 

I believe the reason it bothers me so much is that I truly hope she learned a lesson from lying to and cheating on me, seeing and knowing the pain I felt. I know she didn't stop lying. And again, that causes so much anger inside of me when, also again, it's none of my business!

 

How do I get over all of this incandescent rage/bitterness and pining for what's now overwhelming nostalgia?

[rose2summer]

There's no greater accomplishment than forgiving the other person and moving on.

 

I am going through a divorce, and I try to wish happy thoughts for my ex, as it's the ONLY way to heal.

 

Yea, they cheated on us, they deceived us, but be grateful it ended now and not 20 years down the line when you are scrambling for a retirement or a house.

 

Everything happens in life for a reason.

 

What has helped me is writing down everything I feel and what I am going to do to solve it.

 

Hugs!

Rose

[Rotto]

How do I forgive her and find closure & peace with what happened at this point? Any advice?

[mhowe]

You don't need to forgive her --- forgive yourself for putting up with her and wasting time.

 

You cannot change the past so there is no sense staring at it for years. Nothing you say, think or do will change it. So don't spend another minute pointed in

that direction. It happened, you lived through it, your part in it is over.

 

Next.

[jonyyy]

How do I forgive her and find closure & peace with what happened at this point? Any advice?

 

It's very difficult to forgive but once you enter that process you will feel better. Beware though that you have to be "prepared" to forgive. For instance some people only reach that point after a certain amount of grieving, others when reach certain milestone in their mindsets, others after accepting that it's really over etc.

 

Try to write down all the things she did and happened that made you hurt. Feel them, be angry and sad. Then try to switch your thoughts into what good might come from those events. Re interpret them, try to see the positive things, the new opportunities etc. Then forgive her, wish her well and most importantly release yourself of that pain, that past.

 

This doesn't mean you will have to reboot and start to look at her with caring again or be ok with what she did. Also it won't be automatic i.e. you will have to "enforce" the forgiveness sometimes, in your mind.