He's moved on, I'm a wreck.

[tsarita1]

Hello all, I'm new to the forum. I've been reading many of the posts and I'm so happy to have found a place where people can express their feelings and get support.

 

I'm going through a hard time at the moment. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 months about a month and a half ago. He was very full on at the beginning of the relationship inviting me on trips and telling me that he loved me after only a few weeks, talking about us being together forever. I felt it was too soon for this, because in my eyes you love someone truly over time after you get to know them. I told him that I didnt want to rush things. He said he understood. I also didnt want to have sex right away with him until I was sure. My sexual experience is VERY limited even though I'm 30. He obviously wanted to have sex, he is 5 years younger then me, but said he'd wait.

 

As I got to know him I did fall in love with him. He has many qualities that I like. He seemed very sensitive and kind. He said he has always made most of the effort in his previous relationships and has been cheated on in the past. I got the impression that he felt he was one of the nice guys that finishes last. To make a long story short I decided to sleep with him because I wanted to show him that he meant something. I told him that I loved him and we tried to have sex. It was painful and I had to stop. He didnt react as I thought he would. He was quite insensitive and said "You either make up your mind to do it or you don't!". I said sorry that I couldnt because it was painful. He pulled away and went to do his laundry for two hours, while I sat on his bed holding back my tears. I was hoping that he would sit with me and put his arm around me. He made us dinner, we ate in awkward silence and then I left without saying why. I regret that not saying why.

 

We broke up over the phone I iniciated it. He agreed. While I was in tears he didnt sound bothered the least and said he was happy that at least he had found a good "mate". That night I called him to ask him if had meant it when he said he loved me and why he had reacted the way he did when we tried to have sex. I told him how hurt I was. He apologized and his voice cracked. He sounded quite different from how he did earlier on in the day. We ended the conversation on a sad note but decided to stay friends.

 

Since then I made the efffort to text and call to see how he was doing. Why? Because I was secretly hoping to get back with him. I love him and I don't know why. I think about him every 5 mins. He never called me or text me. Until last week, he replied to my text, always calling me gorgeous as he did when we were together. He said to check my e-mail as he had something to tell me. In his mail he said he had met someone through his family but he still wanted to be friends. The mail was so formal and polite. Like an employment rejection letter. He mentioned that he didnt want to get back with me because he would have guilty if we slept together and spilt up anyway. Huh? I wrote back and declined his friendship. Mostly because I don't want to hear about him and someone else. It's so ironic, he's moved on and I'm in shreds. While I was the one who wanted to take it slow and be sure. I'm so hurt that he couldnt even call me to tell me he was already seeing someone else. He had to e-mail it. How could he move on so quickly? During the relationship he was the one talking about kids. houses and marriage. And I was like whoa there lets' not jump the gun. I feel horrible. I feel like it's all my fault.

[arwen]

Hi Tsarita,

 

Welcome here, I hope this forum can give you a place to vent as well as some comfort...

 

I am familiar with the type of guy you have been dating, sad but true. They come up very very strong, and want too much too soon. Than something (or nothing) happens and they sort of pull back. In your case something did happen but I am not sure this is the reason the relationship went on the rocks.

 

You are blaming yourself, and you need to stop doing that. I understand you are sad, and this is all part of processing the relationship. This guy didn't give you what you deserved. When you decided to have sex with him, you felt really vulnerable, and even more so when it hurt too much. That is not your fault. He has been rude and insensitive and I understand you wanted to call it quits then.

 

It is sad that there was no possibility to talk things over. You are sad that he moved on so soon. Maybe he is just very desperate and just wants a relationship for the sake of the relationship. Maybe he is on the rebound. You never know, but it has nothing to do with YOU. The fact remains he treated you very insensitive on a moment you needed his love the most. He showed a negative side of his personality with that, I think.

 

Just think of the other way he could have told you he found someone else. There is no easy way to tell someone. If he was being all nice about it, you would feel patronized because you'd think he was feeling sorry for you. I agree that he could have done it in another way than a short/casual email, but I am afraid he did this just because he couldn't handle it otherwise. In fact it's consistent with the way he treated you after the sex-event, are you sure you want to be with someone like that?

 

Ilse.

[zab]

im in that situation kind of, but im not sure if my ex gurl is with this new guy or not, but even thinking about it is killing me n its realllly getting to me, i no just how u feel. the only advice i can offer is to keep busy, try not to think about it (very hard i no everything reminds me of my ex, literally everything). Just keep your head high n show him you stil care but show him u can also be independent

 

Zab

[Marketa]

Tsarita,

Considering that you broke up with him and it is a month and a half later you really cant blame him for moving on. You said you hadn't spoken to him so maybe he felt you moved on so he did. I think that in the future you should speak up when something is on your mind. There is a lesson to be learned here. I am sorry for your pain. Sometimes things mean more to one person than it does to another.

 

This too shall pass.

[Mentor]

Hi tsarita1,

 

I'm sorry that you had to go through this. I think that his reaction to you that night revealed his true character. It is easy for someone who is wooing another person to play themselves off as someone who they aren't. It is in these emotionally intense moments that we get a glimpse of what thay are really made of. This boy (deliberate choice of words here) has issues, and I think you dodged a bullet. Rarely does a well-adjusted partner fall in love, and profess it after a few weeks, I don't care how intense the relationship starts out. That is a serious red flag for emotional disturbance. Another possibility: these "nice guys who finish last" often become bitter, and turn into guys who are not very nice at all, but are still able to put on the act of being nice.

 

Good people who enter relationships full of sincerity and hope always get hurt more than the cynics when they don't work out. Don't feel bad that you are one of these people. One day you will meet a guy who is deserving of what you have to offer. Don't settle for anything less.