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Why do exes keep in touch?


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I have had three major relationships in my life and I don't see why people keep in touch with their exes. The first one was my high school sweetheart. He was a really great guy, and I imagine he still is, but once I broke up with him I cut ties completely. My second major relationship resulted with a child, so naturally we keep in touch, but it is strictly for my daughter. I keep my personal life, brief to nonexistent with him, and I feel that's the way it should be.

 

So this last ex has me in a bit a whirlwind and I am trying to understand the motive. I'll be honest when I say I still have feelings for him. He is OK with remaining friends and we hang out often.

 

I guess my issue and thought process from previous experiences is this: I close that chapter when I end a relationship. I keep my life to myself so as not to hurt any residual feelings and let the healing process begin. What is the motivation for other people though? I am really trying to put myself in his shoes and see it that way, but I don't understand it.

 

I would say that I let go easily, but this time around is proving me wrong.

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From reading stuff around here, i've come to realize... either some are VERY cold/angry and want nothing to do with you OR they want to 'keep you around' to be as 'friends'?

For such reasons.. in case their 'new' relationship doesn't work.. or have insecurities etc. (afraid to totally lose you)?

 

Not sure why some act one way or the other? But yes, with most of my ex's, we are NOT friends. I prefer to leave it all and NOT look at being their 'friend'. That's just too hard emotionally.

 

Often ,after a LTR especially, you NEED to take much time apart, to accept & heal over the break up. Or it can linger and keep hurting each other. which isn't good.

I cannot or will not be an friend, until I am totally over them.. that's IF I even will accept to be one. Usually NOT.

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I think the motives are different depending on whether you were the dumper or the dumpee.

 

For the dumper I think it is about lessening whatever guilt they feel (a 'see, she is willing to be friends so I did not hurt her so much/ what I did was not that bad' thing) and/or keeping you in their life in case things don't turn like they are hoping and it turns out that they took the wrong decision (an 'If things aren't greener on the other side, I haven't lost her completely and I can reverse my decision' type of thing). In essence, they are either using you to lessen whatever guilt they are feeling or keeping you around as a plan B /avoiding feeling the loss of you.

 

The dumpees on the other hand are still harbouring some kind of hope or are wresting with some kind of self-esteem issue.

 

In my view, it is only after BOTH people have emotionally moved on and are HAPPY in other stable relationships that such a friendship may not have ulterior motives from one or both parties. For an LTR, that would mean that a real friendship could only occur after a substantial amount of time meaning years later.

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from a blokes persepctive....

 

i have also had 3 serious relationships in my life. the first for 6 yeafrs - got cheated on, had serious resent and hatred for the girl. dropped contact completely. moved on, lived my life.

the 2nd for 3 years - same scenario as above

the 3rd was the most recent - 2 year relationship, split up in a very mutual way, it was her decision and i was very sad about it. she still loved me and had strong feeling for me, she just felt the spark was no longer there and she could see herslef marrying me. we both missed each other dearly but we came to the conclusion that because we both cared about each other, that we still remain freinds and help each other through the heart ache......HELLO! who was i kidding? it was over i was hurt. after 2 weeks i decided to break contact. i told her i was still here for her if things got really tough but other than that the contact had to stop. anyway it did, long enough for both of us to move on. now we see each other and hangout now and again. we talk about our new found love, life, work and so on.

 

i think if things get real bad and you split over something bad then move the hell on.

If you split on amicable grounds, heal but dont shut that person out. its difficult to find someone in life that truly cares about your best feelings. dont shut people out who care about you, one day you may have no-one god forbid.

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