Why EX keeps in touch?

[behnambehnam]

After 3.5 years me and Amy, we've been broken up for a month and she moved back to Boston.

 

She's 28 and I am 35.

 

Been in touch since day 1 after break up. Text and Skype sometimes. She is very sad and hates her life. Yeh bit distracted by Christmas but whatever she goes up and down like crazy.

 

She wants to stay friends and not loose contact.

 

I tell her to get back together, she says no. "I dont want relationships with ANYONE for a long time. I am so hurt. I miss you but you are bad for me, that's how I feel".

 

 

It hurts me so much to wait for her every day to talk. I moved to China and the time difference is a killer.

 

 

My quesiton is:

 

Why is she keeping in touch?

 

1 - Is she playing games?

2 - Does she have hope for future?

3 - Is this gonna end soon?

4 - If she likes me still (she says she loves me), why doesn't she want to get back with me?

5 - Is this gonna die eventually? Or she may loosen up? Maybe she likes me to beg?

6 - Is she seeing someone else? I doubt it since she still calls me and cries sometimes.

 

Thanks

[SooSad33]

Could be a few reason....

-She can't or doesn't want to let go..it's hard to do that for a while.

-she wants to hold on to you, some do that keep an ex in the sidelines as a back up, just in case things don't work out with someone else.

 

Is this gonna end soon? Sure as soon as YOU stop playing it.

Best thing to do, after a break up is STOP all interactions. No emails, texts.. nothing anymore.

Whether you want to get her back or not.

This way, YOU can work on your healing and so can she. Neither can do it this way.

If you're wanting to get her back.. this isnt working by constant contact, is it? So, SHE needs to know what it feels like to NOT have you in her life, at all anymore.

 

How can she come to 'miss you', if you're never gone?

 

Doesn't matter if she's seeing someone else. Fact is, you're NOT involved with her anymore.. so, if this is hurting you, then you have to stop it.

If she doesn't want to be involved with you? Then DON'T be involved- at all.

 

It all hurts.. we understand bit this is the best way for YOU to start accepting & healing.

The only best time to respond to her is, if she ever comes back to you and admits she was wrong and wants to try again.

[behnambehnam]

I want to tell her no conact anymore.

 

It's over but I read in many articles "The longer you don't see each other, the more you forget each other and less and less chances of getting back togewther everyday".

 

Which one is correct for women? Do they forget and move on to the next one? Or do they miss?

 

Also I never send message. She sends them every day. If I dont reply shes like "I get it, you dont want to chat no more".

 

Ideas?

 

 

 

****************************

This article says why NC is bad for getting back an ex:

 

link removed

[SooSad33]

which is correct for women? Everyone's different. I have heard a number of things.

-going no contact will have them 'miss you' more.

-absence makes the heart grow fonder.

 

But, of course, since it's all so recent, of course you're both going to miss each other and this can go on for a while...

You cannot get somone out of your head in a month- when they've been part of your life for years.

 

BUT- you should be looking at this all as a means of 'getting over her'. Do you really want to be tormented constantly with these talks, that will do 'nothing' for you? because she wants to be 'friends'?

Honestly, one can't be a friend with an ex until those 'feelings' are gone & that can takes months...a year.

 

So, she is instigating these msg's? Why bother to keep responding? Do you think it's doing YOU any good?

 

Eventually, yes we can come to 'accept' our loss and be able to move on again.. after a long while. This is when we slowly think less of them.

 

As for her response.. I get it u dont wanna chat no more? Almost like a guilt tactic.

Whatever YOU want or feel is best for YOU. Admit it to her and be thru with it.

IF you dont want contact all the time, then just stop repyling.. she will get the hint.

[behnambehnam]

Thats the thing,

 

Whenever she contacts I feel peaceful, eat and sleep for few hours.

 

When I don't know where she's at, I panic. Thats 90% of times.

 

She doesn't seem to know what to do.

[ParisPaulette]

Who broke up with who and why?

[behnambehnam]

Mutual,

 

More I pushed. We were not happy. But now I know how it is to be without her.

[doicare]

Give it some space. Tell her you respect her choice and want her to be happy, and tell her you need some time to get over her. Don't fight it, it will only strengthen her choice, by acknowledging her wishes, she cant resent you, she can only be appreciative. Then disappear for 1 to 2 months. If she misses you she will contact you, if not, then you will be on your way to healing and finding a better person. Either way she said "I miss you but you are bad for me, that's how I feel", translation "I dont want to be with you."

 

Move on for now my friend. Hurts, but the sooner you do, the better.

 

We're all in the same spot, and even if there is a chance for reconciliation (which she has said otherwise at the moment), it's really the only thing you can do for now.

[behnambehnam]

Back to question 1. Why does she keep in touch if she doesn't want to be with me then? She posts my stuff on her facebook.

[behnambehnam]

I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT HER BEING WITH OTHER GUYS AND ITS KILLING ME,,,,

PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO STOP THESE THOUGHTS!!!

 

She told me she doesnt want to see anybody for a year sand the thought disgusts her but I am attacked by all these negative thoughts that she will sleep with other people.

 

Please help me stop it.

[sharky988]

I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT HER BEING WITH OTHER GUYS AND ITS KILLING ME,,,,

PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO STOP THESE THOUGHTS!!!

 

She told me she doesnt want to see anybody for a year sand the thought disgusts her but I am attacked by all these negative thoughts that she will sleep with other people.

 

Please help me stop it.

 

Okay, see that part I bolded up there? That's a lie. She has every intention of dating other guys -- that's WHY she ended things with you. So, you should understand that the things she's telling you right now aren't necessarily the truth, but said to make things go the way she wants them to go.

 

She's not being honest with you.

 

She's telling you this to KEEP YOU THERE waiting in the wings as a Plan B.

 

She's asking you to be friends and stay in touch because it makes it easier for HER to move on. It's scary breaking up and she doesn't want to lose you as a backup plan in case she doesn't meet anyone else.

 

 

Why is she keeping in touch?

 

1 - Is she playing games?

2 - Does she have hope for future?

3 - Is this gonna end soon?

4 - If she likes me still (she says she loves me), why doesn't she want to get back with me?

5 - Is this gonna die eventually? Or she may loosen up? Maybe she likes me to beg?

6 - Is she seeing someone else? I doubt it since she still calls me and cries sometimes.

 

To answer your questions... no one here's a fortune teller, but these things do tend to play out in predictable patterns. Based on how these situations USUALLY play out, here's my best guess answers for you:

 

1. She's playing games by being dishonest. She wants you as a backup, but she's calling it "friendship"

2. She has hope to USE YOU AS A BACKUP in the future in case she doesn't meet anyone else.

3. It will end the day she meets her next boyfriend. Then she'll cut you off completely.

4. She loves you *as a person* and misses you in her life *as a friend*.... but those romantic passionate *in love* feelings are gone now. If they were still there, she'd never be breaking up with you.

5. As long as you stay in contact with her, things will stay exactly the same -- until she meets someone else, then she'll cut contact.

6. It's very possible she came accross someone that made her question the relationship or realize her feelings have changed. Whether or not she's actively pursuing him is another matter.

 

 

You need to cut off contact so you can start to heal and move on. Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

[behnambehnam]

First you say they are not neccessarily ture. Then you speak with SO MUCH conviction.

 

It's amazing how SURE you are!

 

Ps. I ended it. Not her! You can't just go a head and post whatever you think with this much conviction. It's just wrong, ok? You can really hurt people here.

[Shane Falco]

First you say they are not neccessarily ture. Then you speak with SO MUCH conviction.

 

It's amazing how SURE you are!

 

Ps. I ended it. Not her! You can't just go a head and post whatever you think with this much conviction. It's just wrong, ok? You can really hurt people here.

 

She gave her opinion based on her knowledge. No need to attack her. She's trying to help you.

[doicare]

you can stop it by accepting it's over. you have to put an end to it. Tell her you love her, but you need some time and space to get over her.

 

This is the only thing that will help you, or remotely help your chances of getting her back. Either way, what you're doing isnt working, and you expect that it still will. So it's time to change it up. If she loves you she will understand, but you are the one doing this to yourself. You need to focus on getting over this unhealthy addiction to her and focus on making your life better as opposed to hoping she will be the solution to that. I have a feeling your problems are a little more deep rooted than just missing her. Also you're 35 not 13, man up and take control of your emotions for own well being.

 

Sorry for the tough love, but your only solution is to get over this addiction, it's not healthy.

[behnambehnam]

She gave her opinion based on her knowledge. No need to attack her. She's trying to help you.

No attacking.

 

You can't be so sure and write with this much conviction about someone you don't know based on a paragraph.

[Shane Falco]

No attacking.

 

You can't be so sure and write with this much conviction about someone you don't know based on a paragraph.

 

You came for advice, she gave advice based on her experiences which have a lot in common with what you are going through. There's no point of coming on here and asking for advice if you are going to whine about it when it's something you don't want to hear. Either follow it or don't -- no need to challenge other posters who are trying to help.

[hrdcore1337]

I used to be like you very recently, holding on to hopes that she throws at you.

 

Well, as much as I LOVE her so dearly, that is not cutting it for me.

 

You want to be in her life a certain way, but she doesn't want you to. HER LOSS!

 

Don't look back, drop off the face of the earth, and get busy becoming the man you want to be, with the woman that'll love you and will work with you on a relationship, and not someone whos unsure of themselves.

 

If she comes back saying she's wrong, so be it, and you make the judgment call THEN, if you want back in.

 

If not, then you know her true intentions, and she will live with that guilt of playing with you when the next one doesn't work out.

 

It's a win-win for you, do better for yourself.

[behnambehnam]

It's ok, you're missing the point

[sharky988]

Dude, you ASKED for help. In fact you sounded pretty desperate for it!

 

Aside from the fact that I spent considerable time reading your posts so I could better understand your situation and try to help you, I also CLEARLY STATED that this was only my BEST GUESS based on how these situations USUALLY PLAY OUT.

 

And yeah, I'm confident that this is how they usually play out!

 

If you have doubts about that, I suggest you spend some time reading through the old threads here and you'll see dozens and dozens of situations just like yours, in which OPs are strung along by their exes, only to be dropped when their exes start seeing someone else.

 

I stand by my post and my opinion, ignore it if you like. (And you're welcome.)

[behnambehnam]

She's moving back in Jan 5th

[doicare]

good luck!

[sharky988]

Yeah, you'll need it! The fact that you've broken up once already is a HUGE red flag.