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Hard to read, how to tell if it's more than friends


hambone77

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I've worked with this girl for a few months now. At first we didn't really speak, but after a group of us went out we hit it off, spent the night dancing together and having a good time. Since then we always kind of flirt in work and have hung out with people from work on a Friday night. Couple of times we hung out alone and with her friends or she's come out with my friends.

 

After we went to a gig with a couple of her friends I walked her home alone and she said we should hang out more together, but when I asked her if she wanted to go out for a drink a week later, she said she was busy but would be out on the Friday after work like usual. We've hung out a few times with friends and she always ends up sitting next to me, and a mutual friend from work runs an event at a bar, and we ended up going to that together alone, and spent the night talking until the bar kicked us out.

 

I've asked her to a gig at the weekend just the two of us and she said yes even though she has never heard of the band, however I have no idea if there is a more than friends thing. She has made comments which show she thinks I'm good looking (not just wishful thinking I assure you) however with what she has said makes me unsure if this is just her saying that she thinks I am a good looking guy however she isn't actually attracted to me

 

Some signs make me think there is definitely a chance, others suggest not and she has quite a few male friends, so I'm not sure if I'm just another male friend or potentially more. I would want to be more, however if it is just a friends thing, I think she's a really cool girl and would love to be friends so don't want to ruin things. How can I tell if there is more without making things weird? Play the long game and see if it develops, but risk missing out, or make a move and risk ruining our friendship?

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Damn, this is always a hard question to think about! I wonder, though, why would it ruin the friendship to see if she was interested in being more than friends? If you two really have a good relational foundation, with interests in common, then that won't change. Now, if you find that you're interest in talking and listening to her stems largely out of your romantic attraction, it would be better to know this sooner than later. Maybe, underneath it all, the friendship is based on your desire for more.

If you ask yourself, in your heart of hearts, are you really all that interested in the things she is talking about? If she fell head over heels for another fella, would you find yourself being interested in staying at the bar talking to her until you were kicked out?

 

I find that honesty is the coolest policy! That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to start out by being honest with her, but you ought to start out being honest with yourself, aka, really looking at what is holding this relationship together. If it's her hot bod, her winning smile and the romantic attraction, well, then...

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Exactly... IF you want to go further with her, yes, there's a good chance to ruin the 'friendship' if this all deteriates. So you best really think of what is you want/expect, because soon enuff, IF either one of you starts to show that 'interest' or want to go further and the other doesn't- leads to confusion.

So- if you want to just remain her friend? Ease back a bit on the 'invites' etc. And ACT as only a friend.. nothing more.

 

Which is best you think? To go further with her.. or just to be a friend?

 

As for her end? Sure, she likes you, but at this stage, hard to tell if it is any more than that?

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I get what you're saying. Truth is, she really is my type looks wise, so I am attracted to her, but personality wise she we get along great. Same sense of humour and outlook on life. So yeah I think I would love to be friends if I weren't physically attracted to her. I'll be honest though, if she met some guy and started dating I'd probably find it hard as I'd be pretty jealous of that guy

 

If I told her, I'm worried it would make it awkward and potentially strain our friendship, and make it hard to hang out without awkwardness.

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Truth is, she probably has a pretty good idea that you have feelings for her. Body language speaks volumes and there's a good chance she picks up on all of your cues, consciously or unconsciously. Because your feelings are so strong, there seem to be only a few outcomes.

1) You tell her, she is stoked and you two date.

2) You tell her and she doesn't feel the same way. It becomes awkward and the friendship doesn't last.

3) You tell her, she doesn't reciprocate, the friendship survives the awkwardness, but.... eventually she dates someone else... you can't bear it, thus ending the friendship.

4) You don't tell her, she dates someone else and you can't bear it, thus ending the friendship.

 

I guess the coolest thing about this is, no matter what you end up doing, you'll learn something. Are you gonna be the person who speaks to your truth, lets her know, and survives no matter what the outcome? Are you gonna hang back, wait and see? There is no right or wrong here. In the end, you'll learn so much about the kind of person you are and/or want to be. If you overcome your anxiety enough to think through your dilemma, commit to an action and then grow from this experience, you'll end up becoming a pretty awesome catch for whoever you end up falling for!

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  • 4 weeks later...

I posted this a few weeks ago and wanted some more advice.

 

Since this post we've been out a few times, and have been texting quite a lot, both her and I starting conversations. I'm still not completely sure if she sees me as more, though I did tell her she was my favourite New person of the year and she said I was hers,, but I have decided I need to tell her I have feelings as otherwise I'll struggle to move on.

 

Advice I need now is how exactly I approach her about this, as I've not been in this situation before I'm struggling. I'm going to get her out for a drink with me after the New year, but I really can't find the words or how I approach it, and best way to deal with it if things don't go well!

 

Any help will be much appreciated!

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