Please let me what you think!! Am I being paranoid?

[babymonster]

Hello,

 

I am really desperate. I am dead tired on a business trip but still wanna seek help here because I really want some advice.

 

I will try to keep the long story short.

 

When my boyfriend and I first came together, I found that he added random Asian girls (some are scantily clad) on Facebook. Then he deleted them at my request. He also admits he's attracted to Asian girls (I am also one). I find that okay, just like I can find a particular type of men attractive (Richard Gere?)

 

Then sometime ago I told him about the page of an Asian girl who died when she was traveling solo. He asked me to give him the FB page of the girl and I refused. I teased him, "no, because she's beautiful and you're going to be obsessed with her!" Then it was not mentioned again until.. I asked him to give me the FB page of his friend I had just met recently. He refused, saying, " because you still haven't given me that page of the Asian girl". I was shocked because I thought we both forgot about it. But he didn't.

 

Then he said how I hurt his feelings when I made that "obsessed" jealousy remark. He said it's an insult to him, because over the past few months he has shown how much he loved me (which is true) and I am still insecure about his love for me.

 

But I beg to differ. I am not forbidding him to look at girls, he can do it in his free time without my knowledge. just that I don't want to introduce him to any. I don't want to be involved. We then had a big fight about it. We went on to fight over minor things and I am feeling really low, because I feel once I show my so-called insecurity he's quick to judge and dismiss me like that.

 

He likens Asian girls to funny writers in my case (I like funny writers like Larry David). he said, how would you feel if I don't tell you about funny guys because I think you're going to be attracted to them? I think this is not a good comparison, because I don't ever befriend funny writers (they are celebrities!) when they look helpless, nor I would add him randomly on facebook (and most of them are not scantily clad!)

 

Can someone please tell me who is wrong here? Both sides? How should I deal with this? Should I hide my "insecurity" from now on? I regretted telling him how I feel because he always seems to interpret my feelings in a way I have never expected. Maybe due to language barrier, I always feel misunderstood, and when we fight he would start yelling and I would get horrified and just want to stay quiet....

 

But when we're not fighting he's really really sweet to me... I am not ugly but have a very particular personality, I find it hard to find a guy compatible with me.. this guy is about 70% compatible with me, which I think it's a rare find.. I don't want to give up easily but I am not sure if he'd continue loving me if he thinks I am "insecure"?

 

Any advice is much appreciated. Many thanks in advance!!!!!!!!!!

[DancingFool]

I don't think you are either paranoid or insecure. I do think that your bf knows perfectly well that what he is doing is wrong and that's precisely why he is messing with your head by making apples to oranges comparisons, getting aggressive, yelling, and otherwise attacking your self confidence and common sense by telling you that you are just insecure. What he is doing is wrong - plain and simple.

 

What you want to do about it is for you to figure out. Just realize that you are not crazy or insecure. If anything you are quite tolerant, perhaps too tolerant.

[mmnyc5052]

Do you know if he talks to these random girls he's adding?

 

I agree, you are not paranoid. If I saw my boyfriend was adding random, scantily clad girls presumably to look at and cyberstalk and even perhaps get pleasure from, I'd be pissed and lay my foot down. He has a girlfriend- you. Why does he need to add people on social networking sites? If he was bored or looking to get off quickly when you aren't around, couldn't he just look at some porn? Why must there be a platform for him to possibly have communication?

 

Now, normally I would say it isn't for you to tell him who to delete and be friends with on Facebook. However, I was guilty of that in a time I had of rabid jealousy and insecurity, and I asked my bf to delete some girls he used to talk to before we ever even had met or talked to each other. I was a little out of line there but he did delete them to appease me and help me feel rest assured. But with your situation, if he is actively adding these people, while you are dating and with complete awareness that is is inappropriate, you do have the right to ask him to do that.

 

You need to tell him straight up - if he is searching for something or someone else, or is unsatisfied with you in any way that would cause him to want to look for others on FB, then you are out and he can find what he wants. It may be hard, but it is necessary. He is setting himself up for infidelity, if he hasn't crossed that line already. You say not many people are compatible with you but I guarantee you, you haven't met 2% of this earth's population yet. There IS someone out there who will mold very well with you and won't seek nearly nude girls to talk to on FB while you are right there for him. You seem like a very well-spoken, smart, enjoyable girl. Don't forget your worth.

 

PS - to the writer thing?? That is in no way comparable to what he is doing. You don't get off on Larry David, I assume, and you don't have a way of communicating with him. I love Brad Pitt and think he's hotter than the sun's surface but ummm....if my BF likened hiding a Brad Pitt facebook page to trying to prevent him from talking to ty girls, I'd thrown in the towel on account of absurdity.

[babymonster]

 

I agree, you are not paranoid. If I saw my boyfriend was adding random, scantily clad girls presumably to look at and cyberstalk and even perhaps get pleasure from, I'd be pissed and lay my foot down.

 

 

Hi all, thanks much for your feedback. Sorry I didn't make this clear - he added all these random strangers on Facebook BEFORE we met. I asked him why, and he said it's because he's lonely. He "liked" the pictures of these people and sent them messages. But that's BEFORE he knew me. He said he didn't do it anymore after knowing me.

 

When I made him delete these girls and explained why (I said, don't do it because of me, do it because you look like a creep to other people!), he seemed very willing to do it.

 

Our story is a bit complicated. We met when I traveled to his country. I left for two months before I came back, and afterwards I discovered he hosted an Asian girl in his place without telling me. and he told me it's totally platonic, just out of friendliness. I felt I was not in a position to say anything, because I was not yet a very close GF at the time. But somehow this incident has crept into my mind. Sometimes it goes back to haunt me, but I know I have to get over it if I want this relationship..

 

Please tell me, am I still paranoid?

 

If I want to save this relationship, should I give him the page of that Asian female traveller? What I don't like about her page is that there's a big picture of her in a bikini. I am not comfortable sharing it with my BF..

 

What can I say/do to diplomatically get out of this awkward phase and move on as before? Is there still a way I can make him understand why I don't want to share that page???

 

Many thanks!!

[babymonster]

That is in no way comparable to what he is doing. You don't get off on Larry David, I assume, and you don't have a way of communicating with him.

 

LOL. I wouldn't mind living with him FOR A WHILE. I am sure it would be interesting But do I find him sexually/physically attractive? NO. Charming and witty? YES. But is it the same as liking Asian girls, or any other girls because they are physically attractive?

 

He said he looks at everybody, which I find is true. He's very visual. Again, I am not forbidding him to look at women. Just do it without me being involved. Please.

 

Can I just give him the name of the girl he wants to check out so he can do it himself?

[Curly sue]

DancingFool well said I agree.

[mmnyc5052]

babymonster....

 

after reading your response -- ok, he added these people BEFORE you met but he is clearly still eager as a morning bird to get his little hands on that particular asian 'traveller' girl on fb. Why? What the hell? I honestly don't understand that. And of course I understand guys are visual creatures, but then again, so is EVERYONE. I look at guys, yet I am devoted and fully in love with my boyfriend, and I'd never in a million years sit there and tell him that. It's human nature but come on - to be so hung up on some girl you mentioned in passing on a social media site? Everyone has a past. Before I ever knew my boyfriend existed, I added a few guys I thought were cute and maybe chatted with, and he did the same with other girls before we ever became friends on the social media site. We both deleted pretty much all of them once we started talking to each other, but honestly, to go through each other's friend list with a fine tooth comb is a little excessive and we both trust each other at this point. I have seen his messages, etc and I know for a fact he isn't talking to or 'liking' things or doing weird crap, and same goes for me. You need to be totally open with each other if you feel you are at that point. You will have to judge for yourself.

 

You are not paranoid. Like I said, you seem to be a very smart, perceptive, great girl. Don't let that go to waste. You know in your gut he is probably not 110% there like you are. Larry David is great and all but really - honestly - comparing something as inconsequential as a (famous) funny writer fantasy to contacting real-life, scantily clad, presumably easy every day girls - I almost have to laugh. This guy seems immature to a fault. Don't give him the page of that girl. If it were me and he asked me to give it to him, I'd simply say: I give the page of that girl to you because its so important to you, and I leave, or you grow up and get your sh*t together and I stay.

[babymonster]

babymonster....

 

This guy seems immature to a fault. Don't give him the page of that girl. If it were me and he asked me to give it to him, I'd simply say: I give the page of that girl to you because its so important to you, and I leave, or you grow up and get your sh*t together and I stay.

 

mmnyc5052, You're one of the few people who could read my complicated request and give me some really nice advice. Thanks so much!

 

I just came back from a grueling business trip complicated by a flight cancellation. And my BF has shown considerable support to me throughout the ordeal. So when I came back, it's like nothing had happened before !

 

But of course I know the potential problem still exists. To be honest, I don't think I'd want to bring it up again. But don't worry, I won't give him the page of that girl, because I agree with you that he is full of sh*t sometimes, and he doesn't even realise it. He might be flawed, but I still love him. I guess that might be the difference between men and women - we could never see things the same way. There are many other instances where we could not see eye-to-eye either - a potential problem, yes, but at the moment, I choose to focus on the positive and hopefully will sort it out with him as we know each other better...

 

During the business trip I met many different guys. Some married, some single. But the more I meet guys the more I realise it's indeed hard to find someone. Guys easily like me but to go on beyond flirting to the next level is really difficult. They can be married, or have vices (e.g. smoking), etc.. I find it hard to find a guy to my liking these days. I am just too particular ...right now I just wanna chill out and enjoy my current relationship when pros still far outweighs the cons..