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Here is the complete story. I am asking for opinions.


mia74

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If you have read my previous post my boyfriend told me he wanted me to basically leave him alone. I made short posts asking for advice but thought I am going to lay everything out there and see what people say. He called me two 1/2 weeks ago and told me he was off work as he normally did. I have been with him 8 years. We live out of town from each other (a little over a couple hour drive) so we saw each other on weekends. When we are together we have the best time. We laugh and hug and all the good things just like its a new relationship. Deep down I have had trust issues because before he has left me. I think deep down he is scared coming from a broken home. Once we got back together things were much better this time. We talked things out more and could see he really was generally trying. Problem is, that trust problem had me wondering where this was actually going. Would we be okay and would he EVER propose to me. I am not a have to be married type of girl. I have been married before. But I felt if i was going to give up my job and move to be with him I at least needed a engagement ring.

So, two 1/2 weeks ago he called me after work and I was in a bit of a mood(pms) and all those feelings I kept inside I just let out. Where are we going? How come we are not married after this long or at least talking about it.?Maybe we shouldnt be together. All this came out. Well....he said he had been thinking about it too. I wish I wouldnt have said that but thanks to my mind during my monthly pms session and frustrations from work, It just came flying out. I apologized but after that it was different. Finally I asked him what was up and he became very rude and mean and said alot of hurtful things basically telling me "why dont you just leave me alone".

Well, I did. I didnt bother him for a week then i sent my email and called him. He was calm and okay. I apologized again and told him I just really love him and just get frustrated cause I finally want more from another person and that I really love him. I told him I just got upset because I didnt want to lose him and I finally found someone that understands me. (We are very different from others..most dont understand us). I guess we both have our issues and we just have always at least understood one another where others dont. He agreed. Well I reminded him to please check his email and read it. I might have told him he didnt have to reply..just read.. To be honest I was surprised he answered my call. I told him I would let him enjoy his weekend and he said okay and maybe we could both get calmed down(his words) and we ended the call.

Now, that was last Saturday. It is Tuesday. I want to know if we are actually broken up or not. I want to confront him because I know him and he cant if i am standing in front of him but part of me says to just call and ask. I posted on here before but I needed to tell this in more detail so I get the best advice. I am thinking of making a trip to see him and to just confront him to get my answers face to face where it is harder for him to try to act tough. But, part of me just says to call and at least get clarity on if this was a breakup. I at least need to know that or was it just giving it some time. I feel I need to know something at least. The what ifs on our relationship are eating away at me and If he wants us broken up I will have to accept that and move on. But, I really need to at least know. Please guys and girls, let me know what you think. Thank you.

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You've been together 8 years so you definitely have the right to at least call. Try to call, leave a message, wait a while. Its only been a few days since your last conversation so he may still be calming down/reflecting on what he wants. If you don't hear back from him at all within a few days then thats probably a sign that its really over. I don't think making the 2+ hour drive out there is a great idea unless he knows you're coming or you have stuff at his house that you need to collect. Good luck, I hope you find your answers.

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You made the first move - call and email. Give him a chance to read the email and respond to it by email, letter or phone. This was all heavy stuff...and he DID ask you to leave him alone so don't do any more contacting right now. It is in his court. I want you also while you are in this time of silence to really think about things. Yes, after 8 years its time to be in the same town at least. Would you be willing to move or would he? Or are you both fairly stubborn? I think that if you can't answer that question or don't want to move towards that, then there really is no point in an indefinite long term relationship and you should break up with him.

 

STOP apologizing to him. Now. Stop trying to sell the relationship to him. Just let it ride for a short time and let him think. And you think also. If you both want to continue, would one of you be willing to move? is the relationship worth that? Do you guys even want the same things?? DID you ever?

 

I would not ask "Are we broken up??" More like "do you think we should continue?" is less combative. But again, don't call him. Work a few things out on your own so you have made YOUR decision before he contacts you. Rather than waiting on him. If you decide you want it ended, then by all means, give it a little more time to compose yourself and then break up with him.

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+1

 

let it ride as long as you can. do not beg, crawl, sob, whine. do not do anything at this point. give him time to think he might have lost you! because even if you are broken up, it's not like you are going to go right out and screw another dude, right? wait and see what he has to say. quit showing all your cards. and pms is part of being a woman and part of being with a woman, you do not have to apologize for being emotional.... unless you are mean or something.

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Yes, I did talk to him about moving up there. My plan was this coming year and he knew that. I think in some ways he was scared of me giving up my life here and him being responsible for me there until I got a job. We had discussed it before. He had alot of responsibility put on him at a very very young age and it really changed him. Now he seems to have all these commitment issues when he feels I am not happy. I know I messed up by bringing up a breakup. I know how sensitive he is but i also know I have waited 8 years. I just feel he thinks I am not happy with him so he is scared to move forward. I dont know how to convience him anymore that I love him and want only him. Its like he just wants to forget me now and move on. I know this man loves me and it kills me that he is doing this. He has even told me he has a defense mechanism when he needs to have one. He says his life isnt run by his feelings because he cant trust them. I just feel so lost because only I know how we are around each other. How he has been by my side thru losses and how we just click since we are such oddballs in life. Im so confused on what to do.

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DO NOT call him. And at a certain point, you've to stop blaming his past. "a lot of responsibility was on him at a young age.." You are adults now and you both are needing to be responsible and it doesn't matter at this point that he learned early how to be responsible. Also, I think if you do move you should not depend on him - or anyone - for support while you look for a job. You do what everyone else does when they want to move to a new town - throw some resumes out there, interview, and when you get a job, use those two-three weeks notice to move to the first room for rent or roommate situation you can find. Its fine if you mutually decide that you would live with him the first two weeks of your job there while you waited til the apartment you secured to be ready.

 

Anyway, I am not saying you should move now because it could be over - but if you ever move somewhere, don't make anyone responsible for you.

 

I think that he likes being long distance and when the relationship becomes too real he bails. You deserve better

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