My Mom tried... still not over it

[Fushigidane]

When I was maybe 15 my mom tried to commit suicide. My father lied to me and said she just took too much medication.

My mother has a degerative problem similar to m.s. I can understand why she would want it but she has two great sons and she had a crappy step daughter in me and I wonder why she didn't know we would be so sad if she is gone.

I know she doesn't want to feel like a burden but how can I tell my mom I want to be her care giver?

I don't mind any of it, I think I am strong enough I can pull her on the chair and help her in the bathroom.

Is there any way to express she is worthy? She has a therapist and everything but she feels so sad. I feel it is my duty to take care of her but I also feel she feels less of a person when I do.

 

I know I don't have the same problem but it really hurts that she seems not to want me to help.

If anyone has the same issue, I'd like you to share your story. Or anyone who can think of a good way to say I want to care for her. I would like to ear it. Also I am really woried she might try again, suicide I mean. I know I cannot change her but is there any behavior I can do so she knows sheis not a burden to us?

[agent1607307371]

i know someone who's father killed himself after living and degenerating over years with MS. In the end, it was about him and how much life he could take in the state he was in. He decided that he couldn't live like that. He loved his daughter, his grandkid, he knew they loved him... but it couldn't keep him pushing through. It was too much for him to bear.

 

Just make sure she knows how much you love her every day.

[SooSad33]

May I suggest YOU also look into some therapy to help YOU deal with all she is going through..mentally/physically/emotionally.

It always helps family members a lot if they can understand what a person like this is going through as well.

And yes.. if only she could understand how you're being affected in those ways as well.

 

Her 'emotions' are probably really worn out, as she is, so she probably can NOT see or understand YOUR feelings or point of view of this....

So- I think.. it'd be good for you to look into some help too. Some place (hospitals..dr's) can guide you as to where you can get information.. counselling etc, if you're interested.

 

I was a PSW for 3 yrs, locally so we did deal with EVERYTHING out there. Quad's, elderly, the ill, so we saw it all.

Yes, it is very hard to handle, especially when it's your own family member.

 

I wonder.. if you can just sit and get some 'personal time' with your mom and try explaining yourself to her. That SHE is loved very much by you. That you understand her feelings (negative, uncertainty..) and YOU want to be there for her,, help her out etc.

Having a good heart to heart, just you and her might also brighten her mood up a bit- for her to look at accepting your help and seeing she is not alone in this.

 

I understand where you're coming from, Dane. This is very hard to handle.. as we watch them with their illness.

This is just some suggestions.. not sure what you've done or thought of?

 

I hope you the best with this. I hope she will accept your offer.

Give it time.. even if you mention it.. give her a day to think about it. Tell her it;s an offer, and to think on it. k

 

take care

[Fushigidane]

Thank you for your words. I have tried to say to her but I think she doesn't feel it.

I want to make her see she is still useful. That she is not a burden on our lives.

I know I cannot change her but I want to be some support.

She loves soccer. And right now I think that is what keeps her going.

She has been in therapy and I know I need to go too.

Should I ask my Dad if I can keep care of her? Not mentally but I mean at home and stuff.

I have a hard time with her sometimes. I can understand how she feels since she may soffocate at any moment. I need to make her feel needed. Which she is. She is so important to my family. If a death happens it's ok but not if it was from something like hurting herself.

I only just got over my "uncle's" (my fathers very best friends) death. I could not imagine the heartbreark if she does what I think she will do.

[iamkaylee]

Fushigidane,

 

The biggest thing you can do to help is to remind her that you love her for the unique and special person she is. Value her for what she can do and show her that you do. No one may ever be able to erase the "burden" thoughts from her mind. But, if you do things because you love her and not because they are a duty you feel like you have to do, she will know. It is different and people can tell. Ask her to help you with things. Homework, how to cook something, how she would handle a problem with a friend. Bring her into your life. She loves soccer, so use it. Make something for her, special and just for her. How she feels is unfortunately pretty common. Even so, you can all help remind her how much better you are with her than you will be without her.

 

Hugs for you.

[Fushigidane]

@ iamkaylee

Thank you so much. Actually now that I think about it she knows how to cook really well, and I wonder if she misses it. I will ask her about all her recipes. It is a little hard because I will live in another country most of the time. And since she cannot use her hands well I am afraid I will lose her. I want to let her know how much I care and do everything I can on my trip back. My "uncle" (i.e good friend of father) killed himself and it was horrible, and I hate so many times a day that he felt that way. I could never imagine what it would be like if she tried it again.

[iamkaylee]

You're welcome Fushigidane. I hope some of our collective ideas here can help you both. If nothing else, maybe they can help you come up with a few ideas of your own too.

 

You mom may not be able to use her hands much but she can always supervise you in the kitchen. She can also help you when you're not there. A simple phone call asking her to help you with one of her recipes could go a long way to lifting her spirits. Don't forget the occasional "for no reason, I just wanted to say how much I love you" phone call. Those unexpected ones are priceless.

 

There will come a point when it is her time, by her own hand or not. When that time comes, remember this for yourself: as long as you both know you love her, and she you, that's all that matters.

 

Hugs and best wishes for you and your family.

[flower888]

I just want to say you are such an amazing and good girl.

[Tanzi]

@ iamkaylee

Thank you so much. Actually now that I think about it she knows how to cook really well, and I wonder if she misses it. I will ask her about all her recipes. It is a little hard because I will live in another country most of the time. And since she cannot use her hands well I am afraid I will lose her. I want to let her know how much I care and do everything I can on my trip back. My "uncle" (i.e good friend of father) killed himself and it was horrible, and I hate so many times a day that he felt that way. I could never imagine what it would be like if she tried it again.

 

Crappy stepdaughter? You sound like a wonderful, caring person to me. I agree with what has been said ... remind her how much you love her and what a special person she is. I also think therapy for you would be a good idea.

 

I think cooking some of her recipes is a lovely idea. She can advise you and get involved as you are cooking.

 

Hugs to you.