Should I break N/C?

[Hoagy]

I've been seeing a therapist for the past few months for, among other things, dealing with the loss of my best friend last year. You may remember that we fell out big time when she got a new boyfriend and her behaviour became very bizarre and totally out of character. Since then I have had absolutely no contact with her (she has attempted to contact me but I have always ignored her).

 

However, I've found it difficult to forget entirely (she still appears in my dreams for some reason) and I still feel some anger towards her. My therapist has suggested that this may be because there are still unanswered questions. I need, as the Americans say, 'closure'. I need to know why she did and said what she did. Obviously she is the only person who can provide answers to those questions but that would mean breaking n/c.

 

So what should I do? Should I take the risk and attempt dialogue or give it more time? Would appreciate any ideas.

 

Thanks.

[Ms Darcy]

And what if she doesn't respond or doesn't give you answers? Then what will you do? I think closure comes from within.

 

What questions do you have that you want to ask her?

[abitbroken]

I did some quick reading and personally i would not contact her. You said it felt more like a girlfriend/boyfriend break up in some ways. You had a "one year anniversary" of when you broke up with your best friend thread earlier this year. Even though you weren't dating, some male/female friendships change or become strained when one of them gets a boyfriend or girlfriend. casual friends who are in the same circles survive but an opposite sex bestie often does not because one must now share your deepest thoughts with a significant other instead. I did read also that she had been pregnant or miscarried.

 

I personally think if you have not talked in a year and a half, i would not contact her for "closure". I would respect her relationship and leave her be. I think you should look at it in the terms I have cited above.

 

If you run into eachother by total accident one day, than that's one thing, but i wouldn't try to ferret her out.

[Hoagy]

It wasn't so much a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but it does feel worse than breakups I've had that were. It was more like a very close brother/sister relationship. I've lost my sister.

 

I understand what you're saying abit but I got on very well with her last husband. I got on okay with some of her other boyfriends, or at least tolerated them. If she'd dated anyone else then I would probably have been fine with that too but it's this one boyfriend in particular that is the problem. He's been a bad influence on her. The last I heard she was taken into Accident and Emergency when she was five months pregnant. I've not heard anything since then so have no idea if she's still pregnant or not but she has had at least six previous miscarriages.

 

To answer your question Ms D, I would like to ask her (among other things and in no particular order):

 

1) Why did you tell people I tried to rape you when you know that's a lie?

 

2) Why were you so desperate to get into another relationship after your last husband walked out? You always prided yourself on your independence but have never been single for more than a few weeks.

 

3) Why did you say you never loved your last husband when your marriage to him lasted longer than all your other relationships combined? You'd never complained about being married to him before.

 

4) Where did you get the idea that I was single because I was waiting for my "one true love"? I never told you that.

 

5) Why did you suggest that you and I "get drunk together sometime" after your last husband walked out?

 

6) Did you, as some people have suggested, really have more feelings for me than you admitted?

 

7) What were the doubts you had about your new boyfriend and why did you ignore them?

 

8 ) Why were you so quick to set a marriage date when you admitted that you "should know better"?

 

9) Why did you start smoking after he turned up when previously you'd always said "lips that touch cigarettes shall never touch mine"?

 

10) Why do you hide who you are behind so many lies and fantasies? I thought that, after being best friends for ten years, I knew you. Was I wrong?

[abitbroken]

1) Why did you tell people I tried to rape you when you know that's a lie?

 

Who knows. maybe it was to get a reaction out of you.

 

2) Why were you so desperate to get into another relationship after your last husband walked out? You always prided yourself on your independence but have never been single for more than a few weeks.

 

But its her choice. She doesn't have to answer to you. Some people jump from one relationship to the other. When my ex left me it was tempted to jump into the comfort of a new relationshp. she doesn't have to justify or explain

 

3) Why did you say you never loved your last husband when your marriage to him lasted longer than all your other relationships combined? You'd never complained about being married to him before.

 

She did not complain because it was between she and her husband. And sometimes we realize someone was the love of our life or what were we thinking after the fact.

 

4) Where did you get the idea that I was single because I was waiting for my "one true love"? I never told you that.

 

Because you might have been single pretty much the whole time you have known eachother. You talk of being upset about losing her and don't mention a girlfriend or a wife. So she might think you are waiting for her or someone else.

 

5) Why did you suggest that you and I "get drunk together sometime" after your last husband walked out?

 

Because she wanted to sleep with you. she was lonely

 

6) Did you, as some people have suggested, really have more feelings for me than you admitted?

 

Who knows, but it doesn't matter now. She chose her boyfriend. and you never bit.

 

7) What were the doubts you had about your new boyfriend and why did you ignore them?

 

It is none of your business. That is her personal business and i would be insulted if someone came back in my life to micromanage or ask me to answer to them about MY relationship.

 

8 ) Why were you so quick to set a marriage date when you admitted that you "should know better"?''

 

None of your business

 

9) Why did you start smoking after he turned up when previously you'd always said "lips that touch cigarettes shall never touch mine"?

 

Because she changed her mind, wanted attention or got hooked. or is self destructive. HER CHOICE

 

10) Why do you hide who you are behind so many lies and fantasies? I thought that, after being best friends for ten years, I knew you. Was I wrong?

 

And now you aren't. you havent been in over a year/

 

Please move on. The only thing that really concerns you is #1. #6 is moot now. The rest are none of your business.

[catfeeder]

Please move on. The only thing that really concerns you is #1. #6 is moot now. The rest are none of your business.

 

I agree with this. First off, she'll never admit to that, much less answer it honestly.

 

Second, it's such a horribly sick thing to do to someone, it renders all else irrelevant.

 

Another user on these boards put it well, "If someone shoots you and you survive, would you seek them out to hand them a gun to do it again?"

 

I'd question your therapist directly on whether she's actually suggesting that this 'closure' she speaks of must somehow come from the ex friend--because that's a setup for an even more horrible outcome, and it leads you to believe that your healing is somehow dependent on a flake and locked away from you unless you can get the flake to cooperate.

 

Skip that. Challenge your therapist, because I'd bet you her credentials that this either is NOT what she meant, or if it is, you'd be better off finding another therapist.

 

'Closure' is an overused term for something that needs to happen internally, not externally--and certainly not by interacting with someone who has behaved in such a destructive way.

 

The woman has already demonstrated the capacity to harm you. She threw you under the bus to win some pathetic form of attention for herself as a victim, and while I can appreciate your need to work that out in therapy, your therapist is supposed to be protective and hold YOUR best interests as a priority. So suggesting that your 'closure' is somehow dependent on someone who has already proven to be either sociopathic (knowing that her gossip was not true but harming you with it anyway) or psychotic (losing her grasp on reality to the degree that she doesn't know what is real or unreal) makes no sense.

 

Get clarity from your therapist about what she truly meant, and I hope you'll let us know.

 

We're here for you.

[Hoagy]

Thanks, abitbroken. You've been a great help.

 

Sorry but I didn't need answers from you. I need them from her.

 

Unless you are her.

[catfeeder]

Thanks, abitbroken. You've been a great help.

 

Sorry but I didn't need answers from you. I need them from her.

 

Unless you are her.

 

No you don't, you need to recognize sickness when you see it, and walk away.

 

Your problem isn't what SHE did, your problem is YOUR unwillingness to adopt enough self-respect and self-preservation to accept that she is not right in the head, and move FORward.

 

That's an inside job, and nobody else can make that step FOR you.