What's on her mind?

[HelloThere]

Ok, so, I know this girl. She's very dear to me. I've known her for almost 7 years. We met at college. At the time I fancied her but she blew me off and went with someone else a bit later. We became friends. Great friends who'd see each other quite rarely but still had a great time and truly liked each other. I was 17/she was 16.

 

About three years passed then something happened. We noticed that we quite liked each other. It was out of the blue. I noticed it and she noticed it. But we didn't really speak about it. She at this point was apparently unhappy in a relationship. I kind of had a chance but maybe didn't take it.

 

Then we went our separate ways for uni. We talked sometimes but hardly saw each other. I kind of stopped talking to her for about 6 months. A couple of years passed. During this time she had other relationships which I found out about later. We lived in different cities. Then I decided to move to her city when I had a chance to relocate. I kind of have this magnetic thing where I want to be where she is/where she's living so I kind of follow her around wherever she is.

 

The first year nothing really happened, I didn't really see her a lot. The second year she left for an overseas program for 6 months - to do with her degree. During this time we talked over skype and I told her that I wanted to be with her. I finally mustered up the courage to ask her out. She talked about how we didn't know each other anymore - of course we knew each other but maybe we drifted. She came back. We kind of hit it off. I had sex with her.

 

Before this though she always told me that she didn't know what she wanted and that she wasn't sure about us anyway and that she didn't know what she wanted and that she was finishing her degree in 6 months and that she couldn't make big decisions like the one i was suggesting to her - being with her. So we kind of hung out. She suggested that we just 'saw' each other and not officially go out.

 

I fell in love. I thought she was brilliant and I still maintain that. We really clicked in bed and had amazing sex. Our chemistry is great - she said. She has also said that 'we fancy each other a lot' - she said this.

 

Firstly, throughout our hanging out and getting a feel for each other - I kind of realised that we didn't need to 'see' each other and that I already knew her and that I wanted the whole relationship whole but she told me she couldn't give me that. She told me that she had always been in a relationship from the age of 16 and for once in her life was enjoying serving herself and doing things on her own. She said she wasn't ready to give that up. She also got cheated on by her previous boyfriend (he kissed a girl). She had some issues coming into 'us.

 

Then she took a look at my life. She said I didn't do anything, that I smoked too much weed, was unhappy and that she didn't want someone like that in her life if she were to have a relationship with me. She said that at this critical point in her life when she was just about to graduate she'd need someone who wasn't like me and who was up and go but I was too lazy - obviously.

 

I always kept asking her why? why? because I think i was bored, lonely and had nothing else to do. We share a lot as well because we are close friends. She told me I would drag her down, that I don't motivate her and that I would need to get my own life before we had a life together.

 

She also explained to me why all those years ago she didn't see me seriously as a boyfriend. She said I was always all over the place and never knew what I was doing and she didn't know how to respond that. Basically, our romance kind of stopped at this point. But my love didn't. Since then I would always want to talk about why? why? whenever we met but she got fed up talking about it.

 

The last time we talked I asked her again why and that I still had feelings for her and that I was finding it difficult and asked her how she coped with it since I felt like she was perfect, and I really liked her and she told me the reasons again. She said that she's still doing her thing and that the just wasn't 'quite there' yet in terms of being with anyone. I listened to everything but she wasn't happy with my response. She said that I asked her to talk about this so I could feel sorry for myself as my response wasn't what she expected. She said 'instead of being a man and going ok lets change some things you're just feeling sorry for yourself and actually I feel like I've just wasted my time talking about this.' So I left that city and basically came back home to my original home city - a terrible place in the middle of nowhere.

 

It has been a few months since I last saw her. I managed to talk to her for a few minutes once. She said that 'I was impatient, did whatever I wanted'. She also told me a little about her life. That she has finished her course, got a job in a restaurant and that she was thinking of moving to London around April but that it was just an idea and that nothing was concrete. I have talked to her through e-mail. She doesn't really respond that much. She says she's busy. She also says that I call her to moan and that that's not much of a proposal to her as a friend.

 

Recently, she sent me the talking heads song this must be the place. apparently its a love song. her email went like this - 'the video' and then underneath about 20 kisses.

 

i replied saying it was utterly lovely. i asked her what she had meant. she hasn't replied. i sent her a message too to ask her how much i need to look into the lyrics in the song and told her to ring me when had a spare moment. I have tried ringing her too but she hasn't replied.

 

I clearly have feelings for her still and I don't really know. I feel like I have no motivation to do anything and that I'm really lazy. But the thing is the girl hasn't actually told me that she wants a relationship right now. This is what I'm waiting for to then try to change the things in my life that she didn't like. Like the not having a life part. But she's not telling me anything. I assume she still doesn't want a boyfriend and she's doing the solo thing.

 

I guess time will tell but I'm not sure what she's thinking. Can anyone intercede? Do I simply not get the message or is there real hope?

[JJ2980]

She's motivated. You're not. She's worked hard to meet her goals. You don't speak of yours. Oh and the real clincher is that you're waiting for her to say she wants to be with you before making changes. If you can't change and hope more for yourself and your future as a single person then what makes you think you'll do it if you two ever entered a relationship?

[Leyla]

As a woman myself, I think I can understand where she's coming from. I used to have this friend that I liked a lot and who liked me too, but I would never have thought of actually entering in a relationship with him. All he did every day was getting drunk with his buddies and failing university because he partied too much. He had little to no ambition, and I just couldn't see a future with him, no matter how sweet and caring he was towards me as a friend. Women need excitement in a relationship. You need to make her feel like the two of you share similar ambitions, and that you, as her boyfriend, can make her exciting life that much more exciting. If you really want her to start considering you as a potential romantic partner, you need to quit weed and start changing your "lazy" ways (I don't know you personally, I'm just assuming). Let me ask you a question: if the situation were reversed and you were this awesome guy with a university degree about to embark on an adventure to London, would you want to be with a girl who smokes weeds and does nothing all day? I don't really think so.