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I Messed Up Again


Barry Allen

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I have this annoying tendency to find myself liking and wanting to see more of a person after only a couple of times, which of course leads me to never seeing them again.

 

Case in point:

 

Two weeks ago to the day, I went to a nearby pub to order my favourite burger. I was alone, so sat at the corner of the bar, oblivious to my surroundings. I ordered my pint and food, and after a short while, this young woman who happened to be sitting next to me turns and, in reference to the song "New York" by Alicia Keys playing in the background, asks me, "Have you ever been to New York?" We ended up talking for the entirety of my meal and a bit about just about everything. Nearing bedtime, we exchanged phone numbers (initially out of courtesy), and went our separate ways.

 

A few days later, I got to thinking about her. We had a great conversation, and she certainly wasn't hard on the eyes, so I shot her a text and asked her out to drinks the following Wednesday. She agreed, and we met for a date. It was fun. More great conversation, plenty of laughs, and at the end of the night, I kissed her, which ended up becoming a full-on makeout session in front of the pub. Being another Wednesday night, I had to leave because of work the next morning, but we arranged to meet this past Sunday night.

 

We met up and spent a solid six hours (or more) in each other's company. The bar we went to were showing a couple Halloween films, but we mostly talked through them both. We talked about Halloween, and what our costumes would be, but that neither of us had a party to attend. After the the last film wrapped, I took her to a local bar that does Sunday night karaoke, and impressed the heck out of her with my voice. (Not to brag, but I'm really quite good at singing.) We danced, kissed, and I walked her home where we made out even more. She lamented that she couldn't take me inside because, at the moment, she's staying at a B&B run by an elderly woman. All this without me even mentioning anything along the lines of staying over and/or having sex. We then made plans for tonight and Sunday night.

 

Monday night, my housemates and some friends had drinks and made food together, and through those friends I was FINALLY invited to a Halloween party. I'd been thinking about her that day, about how much fun I had with her the night before, and that I'd really like to see her again, so later that night (around 11pm), I texted her asking if she'd be interested in going to the party with me. She responded yesterday morning, saying she had to work Friday and move into her new place later in the day. Fair enough, right? But then, LIKE AN IDIOT, I tried to confirm plans for tonight, acting like I'd forgotten, and she responded by saying she had to start her new job tomorrow morning around 7am. I replied, "Okay cool, let me know what your schedule is and we'll work something out."

 

She still hasn't got back to me yet.

 

And so once again, I've come accross as being too eager, too desperate to see and spend time with someone I was starting to like getting to know. I know I've messed up. I know the ball is in her court now, that I can't say anything til she does first. I know all this.

 

What I don't know is how BADLY I've messed up. I hate having to use pickup artist terms, but her interest level in me was a solid 90% on Sunday night. It's definitely dropped now, but by how much? And will I ever hear from her again?

 

It should be noted that in the two intervals between hanging out with her before, I stupidly drunk dialed her and left a voicemail each time. She found them funny, and still met up with me. So maybe I'm just being paranoid and she'll text/call me at some point before Sunday and arrange a time to hang out, but I'm not really feeling like that's gonna happen.

 

This has sort of been the trend since I moved to this town. I meet a girl, we hang out a couple times, they're way into me, but then I find myself reciprocating that interest, and they bail. I'm getting better at not badgering them to hang out, at least, but I'm getting sick of always saying "Let me know what your schedule is", and then never hearing anything back. I'm sick of leaving the ball in their court.

 

How do I keep that level of interest? How do I maintain possession of the proverbial ball? Do I really have to be such a jerk and completely ignore them for days on end just to keep hanging out with them? That isn't my personality AT ALL, and I feel like such a tool, but it seems to be the only way to ever keep somebody around.

 

Anyway, this was mostly a rant with some open-ended questions. Feel free to respond or not. Just had to get that off my chest.

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You need to focus on more in your life. From the moment you're interested you become a 'one-note' to the point of overkill.

 

It's not about playing games--most people legitimately have more going on than a single-minded focus on a stranger they've just met.

 

Pipe down, pursue a more well rounded focus so you don't become a bore, and give this woman (hopefully) or the next plenty of opportunity to catch her breath between your calls, texts, questions and plans. Your impulsiveness sounds as though it comes at them like bullets--and you're right, that's NOT attractive.

 

Head high, and finger crossed for you.

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You need to focus on more in your life. From the moment you're interested you become a 'one-note' to the point of overkill.

 

It's not about playing games--most people legitimately have more going on than a single-minded focus on a stranger they've just met.

 

Pipe down, pursue a more well rounded focus so you don't become a bore, and give this woman (hopefully) or the next plenty of opportunity to catch her breath between your calls, texts, questions and plans. Your impulsiveness sounds as though it comes at them like bullets--and you're right, that's NOT attractive.

 

Head high, and finger crossed for you.

 

Thing is, I got plenty going on. Before I asked her to the Halloween thing, I wouldn't text her at all except the two times I was drunk. And I've met (and kissed) other chicks between our dates, so it's not like I'm entirely a one-note guy. I have plenty of other hobbies and interests, but I do like to plan out my week. I get restless easily, so I try to have stuff going on.

 

I'm almost definitely going to end up making out with some stranger at the party, and after that I've got concerts and birthday parties and work functions and so on, so I'm just trying to fit this person into my week when I have a second.

 

But anyway yeah, you're right, thanks. From now on, I'm just not gonna bother trying.

 

Also doesn't help that I haven't had sex in a couple months.

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But anyway yeah, you're right, thanks. From now on, I'm just not gonna bother trying.

 

This sounds like a temper tantrum. Look, there's this thing called 'moderation,' and it works. There's plenty of room between overkill and not bothering.

 

What you're not bothering to do is consider things from the perspective of your dates. The compulsive contact has you coming off like a one-note, and when this girl told you she's got something as substantial as a move on her plate, instead of giving her breathing room, you ask her for her schedule.

 

Who wants that kind of pressure when they're moving?

 

If you want to make a good impression, demonstrate that you can consider what a woman tells you from her point of view. When she can't see you, back off gently and let her know that you look forward to hearing from her when it's better for her.

 

Then stop contacting her for the week, at least. If she's free before then, she knows how to reach you.

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Any chance the public kissing you've been doing with other girls reached her? A friend may have dropped her a line that the "great bloke" she's been telling them about is openly pursuing other girls. If so, how is she to know your interested in her, rather than running a numbers game?

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Stop drunk dialing people, that's the first piece of advice. You barely know this woman. What good can come from a drunk conversation with her?

 

Also, when you're first dating, only see the women once or twice a week. AND, call the woman to ask her out, don't do it through text. It's tacky. You can confirm through text if you set it up ahead, but let her know you have the time to call her and ask her out properly.

 

Also, she didn't say anything about not being interested, she just said she's busy and would let you know when she's free. Maybe she hasn't ironed that out yet. That was just last night. So don't assume you blew it until you know you blew it.

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