mscolly Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 I'm well on the way to an infidelity with a colleague from work that's always fascinated me. Nothing concrete has happened yet, but I sincerely think it's only a matter of time. Last year my wife (44) had a long-distance affair, originally on-line then at his house then at ours too, for a whole week while I'd taken the family to see the grand-parents in the UK (we live in Italy). She cut that one off after it had gone on about a year, and told me everything. I was devastated, but things seemed good, we could get over it with time and effort. In a couple of months, all the good memories she had were gone, leaving only a horror for what this infatuation had done to her. Unfortunately, in the meantime, she continued with the on-line game, got firstly friendly, then extremely friendly with a 19 yr. old. A solace, a relief from a heavy situation. Continuous reassurances that, even if it seemed similar to the first boy, this one was a good friend and nothing else. Then a kiss, which I discover by myself. I cut him off, but contact with him is slowly re-established. Between my wife and I, all seems to be going great. Fireworks in bed that there never were before in 18 yrs. of marriage. Continuous reassurance that the 19 yr. olld is "only a very good friend" and nothing sexual has every happened. They do insist on being able to hold hands, and caresses on the cheek, and seeming each other alone when possible (once a month or so). 20 messages a day, almost daily msn. Frequent phone calls. Then I discover an email: "I wish I'd met you 20 yrs ago, I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU". I'm out of my mind, but hang on a month or so. Then I decide (for my own sanity as well as the good of the family) that enough is enough. They have to cut off all contact, "or else". That was 1 week ago. My wife admits that she's realised since July that she was "in love". She firstly says "she loves 2 men". Then it becomes "affection" for me, then "love" for me, "in-love" with him. In these past 6 weeks or so, I've been seeing (at work, for coffee and lunch) a colleague that has always interested me. We open up, discover we have similar situations. We talk, we have a lot in common. Were both interested, although no explicite moves have been made. Slightly heavier hints by both of us as time goes on, but still nothing explicite. Now the annual staff party is coming up, the perfect moment to make a move. And how can I resist? Why should I? Don't think I'm totally irresponsible: I realise lots of things. I know it's not "right" nor honest, but that's exactly what I feel that my wife has done. I feel I've lived a lie for 2 yrs (at least). I know it's risky, that my family (5 kids) could suffer. The colleague too has told me about her family problems. She'd already saying she's going to leave her husband, she'd be happier away from it all. She wants to leave him anyway, I wouldn't be the cause of that. Her older child (23) has told her for years that she should leave her husband, her younger (13) would come with her. My wife isn't happy. Obviously, when she thinks of me, it's all mixed up with other things too, work, kids, obligations, duty. When she thinks of the youngster it's all adventure, new, youth, freedom, a future to define. It's hard if not impossible to just compare your feelings for 2 people: there's a whole context around each which can't be taken away. But, fundamentally, I feel that if all else was equal (which it isn't), I'd come second. That is already a thought I find hard to live with. We were at a critical point in our relationship, back in the first few months of this year. Things were cleared up, we openned our hearts to each other (at least it seemed). She continued to seek solace with the on-line game, with this new youngster she'd started talking to. I complained about it, she went on anyhow. They become friends, and I see it's more than that. A kiss, I cut all contact, my wife falls into a deep depression. Contact is slowly, step by step reallowed, but I suffer, and my wife knows it, but goes on all the same. She falls in love and then knows it, but explicitely tries to convince me otherwise, with direct lies. Does all that seem the action of someone who has made a mistake, then a second, and third, who is sorry and scared of the consequences, who fundamentally would like to be happy with me? I know she's torn, she's tormented. So am I, but in the end she's always chosen escape over trying to reconstruct her real life with me. She's chosen her own happiness over that of me. She's happily chosen to destry my trust in her for moments of happiness hers. Even if things carry on, I will always have the idea that she's chosen the only path possible, unhappy etc as it is, and will carry in her heart the dream of something that seemed far better but which was impossible. Duty over joy, safe over risky, correct over incorrect. But her thoughts will often be there, and I will, yet again, be the cause of her missing her dreams. I'm a pain in the ass to be supported, because there's no other choice, not a source of joy and solace. I can't always support that look in her eye that gives me the blame for her pain. I can't always bear the pain she's caused me, and lash out with words. I realise too that my choices are no clearer. All in all, the relationship with the colleague is, at least on paper, feasible. But I don't really know her, I would know she's unreliable, as I would be if I went (once a cheater...). A lesser relationship, an affair let's say, would to me have most of the disadvantages, with only the advantage that theoretically I'm still at home with my kids. That isn't necessarily what my colleague wants, and it's temporary at best. Actually, an affair might even be beneficial. It would say in large capital letters how unhappy I am (I think it's actually out of character for me, as sign of esasperation - see all my replies on the this forum). It would also cancel a debt, any way I could feel "holier-than-thou", "look what you did and I have had to support". Perhaps then we could then look each other in the eyes and see two hurt human beings, no-one really better than the other, each searching for a bit of happiness. I'm a bit sick and tired. I've lost trust in my wife, and she's never wanted to acknowledge that. But above all, I've lost a respect for her that had a great part to do with my love for her, I trusted and valued her opinions on things, but now feel almost that I can't trust her to cross the road by herself! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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