Do or Die: It ends tomorrow

[zman]

Alright everyone, a quick summary of this girl im nuts over. Shes quiet, smart, pretty, independent, and a great girl. She lost her vcard to me and we were as happy as can be. Then a few months down the line things begin to fall apart. Family friends and school get in the way. We try working things out but it got worse. She then decided to break up with me and hasnt contacted me since. Its been about a little over 3 months since we last spoke. I miss her like crazy but not sure if i want her back. My grades in college have declined like a mofo over this woman. Im consumed every once in a while and cant get myself out of the trance of wondering where she is and what shes doing. Yeah rejection sucks, but this isnt the first time I have been denied or denied someone. A few days ago, I ran into her sister and it brought back so many memories, I nearly flunked an easy exam just because I didnt wanna do anything but wonder why she hasnt called yet. Ive decided to meet her (without her knowing) after class tomorrow and confront her about my questions. Obviously my fantasy objective is to not win her back right away but maybe spark the flame that we once had again. But I definitely will not leave without closure. I miss her family probably just as much as her. It sucks I got swept away so quick, never got the chance to say goodbye. PS: for those who are wondering we only dated for 8 months. But it went from casual to serious as within a 3 month span. I pretty much thought this was gonna be "the one" but alas.....Thanks for the advice on what to do everyone.

[Ms Darcy]

IF you aren't even sure you want her back then stay away. Focus on healing and if you feel like you want her back in the future, you can contact her.

[zman]

In a sense Ms Darcy I do want her back. But I havent figured out if I miss the memories more than her. As much as I constantly try to remember the negative things about her, I still feel like i miss her in a way. And I have been trying to heal everyday. I tried dating other women, spending more time doing a hobby or hanging around my guy friends. Nothing seems to eliminate it. Only suppress. And i just cant take the feeling of believing there's a slight crack in the doorway of opportunity. Thanks for your prompt reply btw.

[zman]

In a sense Ms Darcy I do want her back. But I havent figured out if I miss the memories more than her. As much as I constantly try to remember the negative things about her, I still feel like i miss her in a way. And I have been trying to heal everyday. I tried dating other women, spending more time doing a hobby or hanging around my guy friends. Nothing seems to eliminate it. Only suppress. And i just cant take the feeling of believing there's a slight crack in the doorway of opportunity. Thanks for your prompt reply btw.

[NoIdea2013]

Dude this is a TERRIBLE idea. Surprising her and looking for closure will make her feel trapped and intimidated. Wether you want her back or not is irrelevant because either way this move will potentially threaten or annoy her. Either way it won't reignite a spark nor provide closure. Stick with MC and heal more. You can reconnect with her when you're better.

[zman]

what more can i do besides being stuck in limbo? im tired of waiting on a miracle. and tired of waiting on this stupid pain to end. At this point im more annoyed with myself than anyone in this picture. I obviously understand how it would threaten her, but it would be in a public place around noon. I made sure of that lol. My plan is to originally walk up behind her and say "hey" then ill obviously act surprised to see her then ill ask if she has a minute to spare. Then id just ask her why she hasnt called yet. thats the main question thats been driving me nuts. If she says no im in a hurry, Id politely say "ok thats fine can we meetup sometime and chat"

[Ms Darcy]

You don't wait on a miracle. Closure comes from within. If her breaking up with you wasn't enough to convince you it's over, this probably won't help either.

[zman]

You don't wait on a miracle. Closure comes from within. If her breaking up with you wasn't enough to convince you it's over, this probably won't help either.

 

So what should I do I was really convinced that this was the best thing for me to do up until i got on this forum to get some approvals. But it seems like it wasnt the best thing. I do know that its been soon, but I dont wanna wait too long before I drift too far away. Also, just to be clear I do know its over. Ive known for some time. What i dont know is why she hasnt asked about me. Even as just a simple hello. Its strange to me how you can be all about someone then disappear. Thats why I want the answer from her. I sure as hell cant find that in myself. Thats what Ive been trying to figure out this entire time.

[NoIdea2013]

3 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things,I'm not sure what you've been doing to move on and grow but you shouldn't feel in limbo.

 

The public place thing does not remove the threat - I don't mean it in a physical sense - it potentially adds to the awkwardness

 

Asking why she hasn't called yet is pointless. You broke up,why would she contact you?

 

If you feel in limbo it may be because you haven't fully accepted the relationship is over. It is. Maybe you will reconnect one day,but to premeditated a "surprise" meeting? Not a good idea. I presume you guys go to the same school/Uni, you'll run into each other eventually.

[FreeFallFeelin]

DO NOT surprise her! I promise you it will not go well. Never corner someone and expect good results. Especially if you're planning on surprising her with a heavy convo about your feelings etc. That's a private condo. Dragging her into it in public will send you directly to the "blocked zone".

 

If you need to talk to her, then contact her in a straight forward manner. If you're afraid she won't respond, then you've already got your answer - she isn't open to exploring a relationship with you any further. That said, contacting her may also be a shocker for you, when she reiterates not wanting to be your girl, again, but this time with more zeal and less padding. 99.9% of the time, once they've gone, they're gone for good. Sorry man. We all go through it, and it does suck. If she was interested, don't you think she'd be in touch?

 

Once you've accepted that the possibility of a meaningful relationship with her has been explored and rejected, and that there will not be a second chance (very rarely is), THEN you will start to move out of limbo, and into your life without her. It takes time to get over losing someone we love. A lot of time, sometimes. But understanding that there's nothing you can do about it will help you roll with it.

[kitkat620]

So what should I do I was really convinced that this was the best thing for me to do up until i got on this forum to get some approvals. But it seems like it wasnt the best thing. I do know that its been soon, but I dont wanna wait too long before I drift too far away. Also, just to be clear I do know its over. Ive known for some time. What i dont know is why she hasnt asked about me. Even as just a simple hello. Its strange to me how you can be all about someone then disappear. Thats why I want the answer from her. I sure as hell cant find that in myself. Thats what Ive been trying to figure out this entire time.

To me, you really haven't accepted the fact that it's over. You must have thought she was going through a phase and would come to her senses and come back to you. Unfortunately, that hasn't happened and most likely won't happen. She made a decision and you must honor that.

Running into her sister gave you the false hope that she would contact you when and if her sister mentioned you to her. If her sister did mention it, it obviously doesn't mean a whole lot to her because she didn't contact you.

She hasn't asked about you because, and I am sorry to be so blunt, she doesn't care. She is trying to move on with her life and I advice you to continue to do the same.

Your future lies in what you are putting into school. And right now, you are not putting enough into that. You positively know that succeeding in your schoolwork will prove beneficial in preparing for your future, you don't know for positive that your ex will be a part of your future; why waste time and emotions on something that isn't solid?

You want closure? She gave you closure when she told you the relationship was over. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can begin to heal.

[zman]

youre right. Im going to talk to her tomorrow just to see how shes doing. Ill ask her if we can chat some other time (in private) over the relationship. But I know the odds are against me. I know the odds of her even wanting me is super slim. I guess I just need the door fully shut. Ive never had a girl behave this way. Even when my previous gfs and I mutually broke up she'd contact me once in a while to say hello. idk, im just an utterlly confused guy

[kitkat620]

youre right. Im going to talk to her tomorrow just to see how shes doing. Ill ask her if we can chat some other time (in private) over the relationship. But I know the odds are against me. I know the odds of her even wanting me is super slim. I guess I just need the door fully shut. Ive never had a girl behave this way. Even when my previous gfs and I mutually broke up she'd contact me once in a while to say hello. idk, im just an utterlly confused guy

I don't think it's a good idea to meet at all, but, of course, you are going to do what you feel you need to do.

After most breakups people cut out all contact because what sense does being in touch make?

Unless you are willing to accept only friendship from her, be willing to not confront or become angry at her when she becomes involved with someone else, be accepting when she can't talk to, chat, or meet up with you because she has plans with her new boyfriend, then being in contact with your ex is a huge mistake.

Getting 'closure' never made sense to me. Closure from what? What more closure can a person get than having someone say that they don't want to be with them anymore and that the relationship is over. That seems like a pretty closed door to me.

[t1lersm0m1]

zman, the door is fully closed. You have to accept that. I know it's hard, most of us here know it's hard. I dated someone six months. At the end we talked daily. Then he broke up with me. He had become my best friend, I could tell him literally ANYTHING. And I lost that. I felt devastated. I wanted to know why, and how this could happen.

 

In the end, the why doesn't matter. Listen to Ms. Darcy, closure comes from within. The why doesn't change the fact that the relationship is over. And maybe it's NOT easy for her, and that's why she has chosen no contact.

 

When we get dumped, we assume the dumper is just fine and moving on and happy as pie. But I've read PLENTY of threads here about what the dumper really feels. You can do an advanced search on here to read the threads.

 

The fact she broke it off, or went NC, doesn't mean she's a bad person, or doesn't care. She is doing what she feels is best for her, and she is trying to heal. Once you broke up, she no longer owed you anything.

 

That is closure. Knowing and accepting the relationship is over is closure. Knowing you did the best you could in that relationship, and if you made mistakes you learn from them and grow, THAT'S closure.

 

Knowing that you are a good person who deserves love, and will find another good woman when you are ready....that's closure. Find your closure IN YOU, not in your ex.

[zman]

Probably the best reply Ive got. I didnt meet her today. Fate seemed to throw me another curve ball. I waited outside of the building her class was in but she wasnt even there. I decided to let it go and go to work and another coworker of mine advised me to just simply call. Leave it up to her to call back or not. No email, no text, no facebook message. Just a simple call. If she does answer idk what ill probably say, but itll definetly be casual. Something along the lines of how is she doing. Idc anymore about why she's behaved the way she did for the past few months. I spent way too much time in the previous 2 days over her, when it could be going down the tubes. But I do know one thing for sure, I am itching to just get ahold of her. And i want that itch gone. Sure she's probably not my happily ever after, but she was a huge part of my life. And I miss her family and dogs just as much as her (i know, weird right?). Let me know what you guys think. thanks for all the advice so far btw.

 

Z

[NoIdea2013]

What do you mean by "itching to get a hold of her"?

 

I wouldn't call, not yet. It's clear you miss her and you can't make the connection between that and the relationship being over

[zman]

What do you mean by "itching to get a hold of her"?

 

I wouldn't call, not yet. It's clear you miss her and you can't make the connection between that and the relationship being over

 

Can you explain what do you mean by the connection?

[endy]

So what should I do I was really convinced that this was the best thing for me to do up until i got on this forum to get some approvals. But it seems like it wasnt the best thing. I do know that its been soon, but I dont wanna wait too long before I drift too far away. Also, just to be clear I do know its over. Ive known for some time. What i dont know is why she hasnt asked about me. Even as just a simple hello. Its strange to me how you can be all about someone then disappear. Thats why I want the answer from her. I sure as hell cant find that in myself. Thats what Ive been trying to figure out this entire time.

 

 

What should you do? Move on and get yourself back before you try any type of contact. You need to get back to being strong on your own two feet first. Wanting and neediness is not attractive to a woman. It will push her away. Why are you concerned about why she hasn't asked about you if you know it's over? Put it this way, if you do what you originally intended to do, what happens if you go to do that and you see her making out with some new guy? Where is that going to set you back to? You need to be able to take that on the chin and let it roll off. You should be at that point before you contact her.

 

If you want to contact her down the road, I would advise reading on the law of attraction. Search this site for it. By then you may not want to get back to her. You sound somewhat young, so this is kind of all normal. You're going through experiences that teach you about love. It's necessary.

 

Have you gone complete NC, no FB, no texting etc. yet? If not then I would do that. Closure comes from within, and closure comes with forgiveness. What does it matter what or if she did or what she is doing anymore? It's normal to think about, but I'm telling you it will push her away. A woman typically wants a man that is confident and a rock. Someone that does not need her for survival. Take 6 months of not talking to her and then check where you are at. Be honest with yourself.

[NoIdea2013]

Can you explain what do you mean by the connection?

 

You miss her because the relationship is over. you;re looking for something from her - you say closure,but open to more - but she doesn;tr eally owe you anything.

 

You need to accept that. Once you;re strong enough to reconnect with her, do so in a mature way, don't go hunting for answers.

[zman]

Yeah, weve gone NC since the day we actually broke up (almost 4 months ago). I wanna thank you for your reply. I think it saved me. I finally got the courage today to say F it. Im over it. I dont know if this is just temporary but ill soon find out. For once in a long time, I felt like I could be careless about her. But as I sat down to write this post, I still wished I could talk to her. Just to litterally say the following:

"Hey, I know we havent spoke in a while but running into your sister on sunday made me wanna just call to check on ya. How have you been? What have you been up too? Well, I hope everything goes well, keep in touch!"

 

BTW this would only apply IF she actually answers or calls me back. Fingers Crossed. Oh and youll get a kick out of this, I deleted her number when we broke up for this very reason, but I dont have it memorized, and this girl only has one friend (besides relatives). Shes pretty conservative (in a good and bad way) but it sucks because I have no clue how the hell am I going to find her number. I dont wanna send an email or letter or facebook message (whether its now or later) because my first question is whether she even wants to communicate with me. If she doesnt answer and call back, well thatll be the end of it and ill surly take that and move on. let me know!

 

--Z

[t1lersm0m1]

In this post, you say F it, you're over it. But in the same post, you say you want to find her number so you can call.

 

If she doesn't answer, or return your call, you are going to get angrier and feel more hurt than you already do. And it's going to set you back. I tried texting my ex almost a month ago (at that time it was one month post breakup) and he only replied because I texted from a different number. I told him it was me right away, and he stopped replying. I felt devastated. How can someone I once talked to daily and saw twice a week, and claimed to love me, ignore me like this?

 

It's simple. He decided I wasn't for him, and once he told me that, he no longer owed me anything. It was up to me to accept his decision and move on. I had a bit of trouble, but I am now staying in NC.

 

I really think trying to call her, if you get a hold of her number, is a mistake. If she wants to talk, she'll be in touch. If she doesn't want to talk, you'll be ignored and feel hurt again. And it sucks.

[zman]

I understand, it kind of makes sense. But in my head I have this image of her possibly wanting to talk to me, but is afraid shell hurt me or thinks ill try to get her back etc etc. I was trying to look at it from her end. The only reason why I havent decided to contact her sooner is because I couldnt swollow my pride for her anymore. Now that I dont look at it that way, it doesnt mean much, Its over. So what? We didnt last like we thought, but it doesnt mean we should burn bridges. I probably would get a little hurt if I saw her with another guy but id tell myself that I had my time with her and we gave it a shot. If she doesnt answer my call I honestly would probably use that my advantage to fully move on. Id look at it and tell myself "well, thats that. It was fun while it lasted but whatever". I also constantly think of myself and my position. I havent called her since the day she broke up with me. Does she think I dont care. Does she think I moved on. Does she not give a at all? Who knows. Shes the type of woman that would catch you by surprise everyday. She is very rational though. Sometimes too much. I just dont want to regret not trying. and I know that if i dont try, Ill always wonder what would happen if I did.

[zman]

oh ps:

 

another image Ive had stuck in my head recently is her sister (whom I ran into on sunday) asking her if I have called her yet. But then she's sad and replies no and hopes I do. Obviously this is my mind playing a trick on myself using my own hope/wishes. But in the end, its still a possibility, and I wanna walk away from this knowing that I tried everything and could confidently say "it wasnt meant to be"

[AJKAJKAJK]

Wise, but I would recommend contacting her as soon as possible.

[endy]

If she wants to contact you, trust me, she's going to contact you. You have to understand the universe and more how attraction works for you to get what we are saying. You are CONSTANTLY thinking of her in your head. Did you do that when you were together? When she was attracted to you? I doubt it. What you are going through is normal, but the best thing to do is to keep NC until you get yourself back. Trust me, life goes on with or without her. It's hard because you know she's there, I get it. It's like your forcing yourself to think she's dead in a way by cutting all contact, but it is what is best for you.

 

We know why it's best for you, because we can tell by your posts that you aren't ready for contact. If she calls your heart would jump, your adrenaline would kick in and you would answer. Don't be the guy that lets her have her cake and eat it to either. Start reading on attraction, it will benefit your future relationships. It doesn't mean you can't contact her ever, just wait until you are back on your own two feet and not worrying about what if's and this and that. you've got a ways to go yet it would seem.