Am I really this fickle?

[faeriechyld]

Ok, so for the past two years I've been doing this back and forth thing with my ex boyfriend. We dated for a full year before I finally broke it off because the relationship was full of manipulation and controlling on both sides. It's taken me forever to come to terms with the fact that it was not all his fault, that it takes two to make a relationship work and two to make it fail. I've dated two guys since then, but every few months or so it feels like I return to the crossroad of whether or not I should chose him, or another guy. With my ex it has always felt like we belonged together, but since my entire family and all of my friends can't stand him, I'm afraid to be together. Logically thinking, I know he's not the "one" for me because if he was, it wouldn't be so hard for me to be with him. ie, I wouldn't have to risk losing everyone who is important to me. But at the same time, I feel like nothing in life that we want is easy, and you have to work hard to achieve things, including love. I feel like it's only true love if you have to fight for it.

I came to the resolve about a month ago, that when my ex returned home from college, I would end it, no more going back and forth, no more confusion. I knew it wasn't good for him or me and I knew we needed to move on. I'd tried emails, instant messenger and the phone. Now I was going to tell him to his face. Well, six hours later, I felt a little better, but emotionally drained. But I thought that all that had to be said had been said. Then yesterday he calls me, and I go to see him, figuring that another conversation might be good, and it was, more came out. But the more I talked to him, the more I felt like I was still in love with him. And I don't know if that's just because I'm afraid I'll never have what I had with him with someone else, or if because he really is the one I should be with. Another thing that scares me is I'm only 19 years old. My mother married very young, younger than I am now, and she and my father separated, they woud have completely divorced except that she was diagnosed with cancer last year and died this past December. I know that she of all people would not want me to settle down this young, and that's exactly what my ex wants. Not neccessarily get married, but be totally committed to each other like we were before.

When I'm with my ex, everything feels natural, everything feels right, but the minute I leave him, I start second guessing, wondering if I'm making a huge mistake or if the mistake was listening to all of my friends and leaving him in the first place. I guess the point of this post is to ask what I should do. To get opinions of people who are not involved in the situation. All of my friends say the same thing, stay away from him, but they've had it out for him before we were dating. And I'm not sure if that's because my friends just don't bother with giving people a chance, or if I'm the one who's blind. Any advice would be appreciated because my resolve to end this is gone and all that is left is emotional confusion.

[me1]

As long as he's not bad for you then do what makes you happy anaylize the pros and the cons. You can not live your life by what everyone else thinks about you or it wouldn't be your life. What do you really want is the question then maybe go from there.

[Major]

*** what everyone else thinks of him. If YOU want to stay with him, then do so. If not, don't...