Please help

[Kitty]

Hi, long story so I'll try and keep it brief.

 

I met him online 3 years ago, we were LD for 2 years, we'd stay at each other's every week or fortnight for a weekend or so. I have teenage children who adore him. After 2 years we worked out our finances and I moved to his town, we rented and were happy, my children loved their school and made friends.

 

My partner was abused in the past and this year decided to get justice by going to the police, he's always said he's over it but I'm not sure. He's also under huge pressure at work and was expected to do courses he has no knowledge of.

 

This summer got very stressful for him, he was having sweating panic attacks (he's strict with my children and little things got to him as they are well behaved). In September we talked and he moved out, just like that. He still loved me and we tried to make it work by dating but I was so depressed about us and wonderin how I'd survive money wise that for every hour of happiness I'd be depressed for another 6 hours. I was convinced that he was just letting me down gently or that I'd suddenly get dumped. He always said that moving out was temporary and he still loved me.

 

I started a new job two days ago and I'm way out of my depth, struggling a lot but I need the money. He started a new course the same day and basically argued with the tutor and walked out so his boss has let him have the rest of the week off to chill. He was so down last night that I called over to give him a hug, he told me he wants to be alone and to ignore everyone (inc me) for a few days. He stressed that he was worried I'd start making things up in my head (which I do) and that it's not the end and he loves me. He texted last night to say goodnight, it's 11:30am now and I've heard nothing for this morning, I know it makes me sound clingy but I have never seen him as down in my life, almost suicidal. He's diabetic and has had hypos so this also worries me.

 

I have no friends here and my family aren't close emotionally. I'm close to his mum but not even his friends know he's moved out, he won't tell them.

 

Please help, I do t know what to do or if I'm getting the push or what

[lerenard]

stay away a bit, give him space. when he reaches out to you - be supportive, he is in so much stress now. also take care of yourself, find friends, enjoy a hobby and so on. don't lock yourself, you need space too. he is not a center of your world, so come in peace with a thought that it can end in break-up for two of you.

[pippy longstocking]

yes you need to give him space ...

 

what we tend to do it act in what we think are their best interests , to get reassurance , reassuring them they are loved ..nothing wrong in all that hey ? Well there is , it is what WE think they need , not what they want and if you love him then listen to him .

 

he wants to be left alone .. respect that .

[Kitty]

Thanks ladies. It sucks for sure but I have to respect his decision. I'm terrified he's lying in a hypo though which I need to get over, I've never seen him so down x

[Ms Darcy]

I think you need to really consider whether this relationship will survive. Hope for the best but expect the worst. I cannot help but notice that the problems also started after you moved up and his solution was to move out. Some distance is normal but I am concerned that he is gearing towards a breakup.

 

I am not trying to be harsh on him it just may mean he is not in the place for a pseudo family ... which is what you are when you move in with kids.

 

As painful as it is for you I think you should stop trying to be there for him and focus on your own kids and you. Get a few minutes with a counselor. Focus on your job. Give him time.

[Kitty]

Thanks Mrs Darcy, obviously that is the last thing I want but I have to be realistic. It hurts so much.

 

I texted him this morning, just a 'morning' with some kisses and got a reply a few hours later with love but that's it. I'm going to back off and let him have his space. I'm so scared right now.

[Kitty]

Sorry, I should add. He always made clear that moving out wasn't me, it was the kids and his work and everything else and he wished it could have only been us in a bubble. The kids aren't bad or loud but he never had any 'quiet' time. Which he needs.

 

He also moved out suddenly as his stepdad had a flat to rent so he took that. Even his mum thinks that was too quick and the easy option.

 

I'm not making excuses or trying. To pretend everything is peachy as it's definitely not.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry, I should add. He always made clear that moving out wasn't me, it was the kids and his work and everything else and he wished it could have only been us in a bubble. The kids aren't bad or loud but he never had any 'quiet' time. Which he needs.

 

You, if you are a good mother and I suspect you are, and the kids are a package deal. So don't get into the process of thinking the kids are an issue perse. But given what you said, what I suspect is that he's not ready for a commitment with you. Families are that. They are all the time.

 

If I may say, I think part of the problem is that you built your relationship from a distance. So he would only get wisps of it and then he could escape. Moving closer is one thing. Moving in is another and I really think that added a lot of stress to him.

 

He said something interesting about you making things up in your head. Does he feel that you are at all insecure, needy, or think too much about the relationship? I doubt he would flat out tell you this, but he might need some space from some of that behavior from you too.

 

I feel like if you had more of a distance relationship with this guy, he would normalize as things with work calm down. I am not sure he could handle living together or marriage.

[Kitty]

You're right. Cuts me up but it's true. Just finished an evening shift and no texts no thing, the children have gone to bed and even my cats are asleep. Feel so alone.

[Heather Dawn]

You're right. Cuts me up but it's true. Just finished an evening shift and no texts no thing, the children have gone to bed and even my cats are asleep. Feel so alone.

 

I feel terrible for you, but I agree with Ms Darcy. I think your boyfriend had good intentions, but after you moved in together, he realized what it meant to essentially inherit an "insta-family." Perhaps if he did not have the other stressers in his life - school, work and his decision to finally face and punish his abuser (good for him on that, though) - he might be in a better place, emotionally and mentally, to deal with the addition of your kids and sudden family life. But right now, he clearly needs his space - and while he may very well want to be with YOU, he feels like he can't handle the package deal that includes your children. That's no one's fault, really, least of all your kids' - it just is what it is.

 

He may come back when everything else in his life is sorted or, sadly, you may come to realize that the two of you - despite the desire to be together - simply aren't meant to be.

[Kitty]

Hi again, I gave him space. He texted today and asked to call around and he dropped the bombshell, he wants to be single.

 

He says he can't fault me, but he just wants to be alone. And have me as a friend but stressed we have no future.

 

I'm devastated, numb, sick and everything. I just want to curl up and sleep forever.

[Tanzi]

Kitty, I am so sorry you are going through this. My story isn't the same as yours but certain aspects of it are the same. I had a feeling that your boyfriend moving out and needing space would lead to this. I recognised the signs of man not ready for that level of commitment.

 

At least he had the gall to come and see you and speak to you face-to-face ... not that it probably makes you feel any better right now. You will get through this however. I am guessing you must have been through this before so hold on to the fact that you know you can find happiness again.

[Kitty]

Thanks for replying. I left my children's dad as he was abusive and an alcoholic. Promised myself I'd never live with someone ever again, and then I met 'him'. I'd dated a lot and broken hearts I suppose but nothing serious.

 

He was my soulmate. We laughed and listened to music all the time, wvery song now reminds me of him. He wouldn't go to bed without me, held my hand when grocery shopping. We were each other's right arm.

 

I'm now living in his hometown, his friends not mine, his family not mine. I know nobody. My shifts are all over the place so evenings trying to catch up with the one friend I have will be impossible - and she's married to his best friend.

 

I've really had enough of this life. I'm 46 and on the scrap heap.

[Tanzi]

I moved away from friends and family with my now ex-husband. I know how horrible it can be difficult. You aren't on the scrap heap. You are unique and you have a lot to offer someone. It just wasn't the person you thought it was going to be.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry to hear this hon. I had a feeling this would happen. It's hard to hope for the best/expect the worst and stay sane. At least now you have some closure. I am very sorry for your pain though. This is really devastating.