Can't Stop Checking My Exes Email

[JagzOrDaFlash]

Well title says it all. My ex gf of 2 years broke it off with me 2 months ago. I found out the next day that the day before she broke it off she slept with her physically abusive ex before me. She claims "he was my first everything". Smh. Anyways after she broke it off we had very limited contact. Usually just her ignoring my calls and texts and giving me a response whenever she felt like it even though I was bawling my eyes out. I'm not gonna sit here and say we never fought because it seems like that's what all the posts here say. We did fight, and we did have major fights as well. First it started out on little things then went to issues such as trust because of both parties doing things they not supposed to.

 

I never cheated but I did have the intentions, it's alright I'll take all the criticism so fire away if you wanna say something about it. Truth is though even though I know people are gonna "but the intentions were there", I'm sorry but I'm gonna stay grounded by the fact that even though I did have intentions I never did. She had intentions and she did cheat. Oh and several times, oh and actually having sex with them. Smh. All I did was flirt with some girl on facebook, got caught masturbating and looking at porn, and sent nude pics of myself to those fake spamming bots on craigslist cause that's all the people that's on there is. I never met with anyone or even talked or touched a girl when I was with her.

 

But since it's not about blame and putting it all on one person. Whether or not I'm the one to blame for the her cheating and breaking up with me or she is in some way(I really don't know what without getting criticized, but I would say yeah her actually CHEATING & LYING to me) I know that I'm part to blame because of my actions. All the things I did, I did it in the beginning of the relationship. She did her bidding the last 4-6 months of our relationship. She pretended those last four month and used me for gas, transportation, all types of lies. For her 21st birthday, she didn't even want me to go with her to hang out with her "friend" from an hr away place from where we were from. I stayed my apartment from 5pm - 6am waiting for her only for her to be drunk and hair messy. Found out after BU that she was in our town the whole time out with another man.

 

She even made a key to my apartment behind my back and she told me that she would bring guys there, and cook and have sex for them in MY bed. And shower in MY shower. Sometimes I would come home and eat the stupid leftovers that she cooked but of course I did not know she made it for someone else! Smh. As I'm typing this it just makes me sad and angry. She admitted all these things she did to me with no remorse. So many lies, and so many times where she admitted she used me for my money and my car. Even let the guys that she slept with drive my car when she borrowed it. smh.

 

Of course it was so good in the beginning but I think those details are reserved for simply the past, the relationship is over. Even though all these thoughts and memories are buried in my head I don't feel the need to type it out here for this post or any post if I can refrain. I admit it, I did everything all the mistakes that a guy does after the break up. I called and texted every second pretty much. Drove to her house about 3-4 times only to be rejected n not see or talk to her at all. The last time I went to her I went to drop off a book she had, a cup shed use for coffee, and a Christmas card she gave me on our first Christmas. This was after a week she changed her number. After a week of her changing her number, I felt like that was it. The same girl who would wipe away my tears doesn't want anything to do with me at all after 2 years together. Of course I still love her, but you know I really hate the fact that I do because of how she much she cheated on me. Last things I heard from her before she changed her number: "Your pathetic, I was unfaithful to you for so long I can't believe you didn't see it coming, I'm changing my number is that what you want (said no of course)." Lots of bad last things I hurrd from her actually.

 

Anyways I decided to write a final 4 page letter to her with the last page printed on the back of the paper of a picture of my favorite memory with her. I didn't and don't expect a reply and a reconciliation as I also stated in the letter. Just told her the last things I ever wanted her to know because in my eyes it's like she died so theres nothing I can do or say. I stated in the letter that I too changed my number and my email address. And I did the next day after the letter. I changed my number and email address for me, for my peace of mind. So then checking my phone and email address waiting a response from her will fade in time. Also in case one day, if ever, she tries to call me or email me, I won't receive it, "I won't be there" (a song title).

 

I would think that the girl I fell in love with would have tried to contact me now (of course she doesn't have my number but we both know where each other lives so I think if she ever did, she'd prolly come to my house or something) but as more and more time pass by I'm learning to accept it. Trying to forgive her but more importantly forgive myself and move on. I've put her on the "If it's meant to be then it is". My friend and family hate her, and I believe it too that she doesn't really deserve nothing from me because of how she cheated multiple times, and lied, and USED me like a dirty twisted towel. SMH. BUT I don't know, for me, I feel like I wouldn't really be moving on if I didn't wish her the best because yeah I still love her. This is the only ex of mine where we ended on bad terms and I hate it. I'm probably never gonna hear or see her again and it does scare but at the same time excite me.

 

I was alone the day she cheated so it really does hurt thinking about her constantly every single second. I know I'm not alone in feeling this and that I've been through 3 break up before so I know I can get through this. It sucks cause I really had intentions of marrying and family. Heck we even talked about our wedding the time period she was cheating and she admitted she just pretended and made it all up. smh. Of course I hope one day she'll regret it, and I'm probably gonna hold on to that until I 100% move from her, by then I won't care I know it but it still crosses my mind and hope one day that she actually will.

 

Would I take her back if she did, which I really don't see because she a stubborn type of person and went through a lot of stuff before me. Dad wasn't there, daddy isssues, cousins sexually abuse her, uncle always hit on her, physically beaten by the ex before me (how could she be with him let alone sleep with him after he did that SMH). So I really don't see her coming back, ever, AND she broke it off with me. A mont after we broke up I saw her with her ex dancing do everything and she passed me n couldn't even look me in the eye. When I confronted her about it before she changed her number she said "I didn't see you, I must have been drunk already, you should have came up to me".

 

So main topic. Number changed. 2 months since break up. 1 week since no contact. My number n email changed. I still have her email and password which is linked to her phone. She has my old number under "..." which means she prolly hasn't read my letter yet. I checked it today and of course there are pictures shes traded with other guys and chats that shes had. I clicked on one picture on a time period when we were together and saw of course her dressing up sexy and taking a picture and sending it to people. N I guess this post is the result of that. That made soooooo angry. My blood is still boiling. Sometimes I think I'll never forgive her. Im going to get over her, my mentality is better than it was a couple weeks ago so I know I WILL get over her. But dang does it make me angry how much I was used and lied to. I know I should stop checking it but to my surprise she still has all our emails, and chats, and pictures of us.

 

This is totally stupid I know and any comments are fine I won't take it personally. But my plan is that I'm gonna stop checking her email whenever she ether deletes my number (Because that would mean at least she read my last words to her) or deletes our chat, picture, and email history. I know it's dumb because obviously shes moved on way before she left right. But my plan is not gonna change. I've already taken out everything that reminded me of her and deleted EVERYTHING. The only thing I have that has anything with her is the email. And the copy of the letter I wrote to her in which I plan to read one more time because it's gone from my computer, so Ill read it one last time and then I plan to burn it, asap.

 

So I'm sorry if I pretty much just had to rant and vent so I appreciate anyone reading this and leaving comments, suggestions, anything is fine I don't mind. Like I said, Im learning to just accept it, Im pretty sure Im done wit the denial stage lol. Because well It's already been 2 months and her actions speak volumes to me now. I'm eating and sleeping better now and exercising focusing on me. I know that little window of me peeking into her life is not good for me but don't yall I've been here before so I know that me checking it will fade soon. Guess its just the wondering of if she thinks about me at all, which no right lol.

 

Sorry for the long post but thanks for reading. Ill take comments, concerns, suggestions, compliments, complaints anything lol. Wishing all those broken hearted people the best and support on my end. Btw I'm 23 now and she just turned 21 like 2 months ago. I really hope the best and wish her happiness, even though she did so much wrong to me. Thanks for reading and listening everybody.

[Edmund Exley]

You're young. Learn to break yourself away from toxic behavior sooner rather than later.

 

She's toxic. And by trying to hang on to her and rationalize her toxicity you are allowing yourself to become toxic in your actions. You don't need to wait for her to change her number to stop checking her email. Put it away and just stop checking it.

[JagzOrDaFlash]

You're young. Learn to break yourself away from toxic behavior sooner rather than later.

 

She's toxic. And by trying to hang on to her and rationalize her toxicity you are allowing yourself to become toxic in your actions. You don't need to wait for her to change her number to stop checking her email. Put it away and just stop checking it.

 

I know man, sigh your right. And no she changed it already so I'm not waiting. I know and I will stop, I know that. She was toxic, it's just too bad. I saw some of these signs from the beginning but was ignorant to them.

[t1lersm0m1]

I didn't read your long post, just the headline. Her email isn't your business and you have no right reading it, even if you were together. So stop reading it.

[JagzOrDaFlash]

I didn't read your long post, just the headline. Her email isn't your business and you have no right reading it, even if you were together. So stop reading it.

 

You right man, sigh I shouldn't I just get so weak sometimes. And when I look at her pictures it just destroys me.

[t1lersm0m1]

I know, I'm five weeks post break up and having a hard time. I have pics of my ex on my cell phone but I don't pull them up. I deleted him from my contacts so I don't see his name, and blocked him from FB so I can't look at his page.

 

You're going to naturally think of your ex, but don't go out looking for ways to think of them, like reading the email or looking at pics. It only helps keep the wound open longer. I still think of my ex throughout the day, but definitely less than I did in the beginning. Time will help. Don't torture yourself.

[JagzOrDaFlash]

I know, I'm five weeks post break up and having a hard time. I have pics of my ex on my cell phone but I don't pull them up. I deleted him from my contacts so I don't see his name, and blocked him from FB so I can't look at his page.

 

You're going to naturally think of your ex, but don't go out looking for ways to think of them, like reading the email or looking at pics. It only helps keep the wound open longer. I still think of my ex throughout the day, but definitely less than I did in the beginning. Time will help. Don't torture yourself.

 

Hey sorry about gender mix up lol. Callling everybody man, bro, dude bad habit for me. Your right though I shouldn't be going out looking for ways. Sometimes I feel like I might as well go through the worst of it all and do torture myself. I haven been through break ups before but they feel like the same in terms of the process you know. Up and down waves. I gotta learn to pick myself up twice as hard as I fell when I feel the down wave. She blocked me fb long time ago, I just barely blocked her emails on fb but just for peace of mind. I know shes not looking at my page so yeah. Yeah it was only until she changed her number when I really started to understand what they mean when they say "let yourself feel it". After BU I would feel but well you know how it is. Now Im starting to slowly go back to reality and everything around me. I'm doing the same things that I did with my other break ups, make a crying playlist to feel good after lol.

 

This one though, ahh takes the cake. This was my big time lesson. I'm not going to commit and attach myself to a girl until we are both on the same page about everything. I'm learning with every stupid memory of us that crosses my head all the red flags and still learning. Right now at this moment, because I saw those pictures that she would send to others. Im just angry. I'm calming down because well it's over and that shouldn't even matter to me anymore but you know how it is. The only thing pretty much that has been keeping me going for the past two months is the fact that If I survive this then Ill be on my way to the next or my future relationship. Someone who I deserve, who will treat me ten times better cause it gets better with every relationship. Not all the time I know but most of the time right. In my case yes, this one our relationship did go way deeper and meaningful but whatever. That's my only hope, the only the keeps me breathing. Is being ready and prepared for the next one. 2 years together. 1 year living together. half a year of cheating on her end. That's life I guess. Cant wait to be a better person when I survive this. And that next love of my life, wherever she is, I know is going to more better than this because I have LEARNED.

[t1lersm0m1]

Don't worry about thinking I was a guy. I wasn't offended in the slightest.

 

I'm 37 and there were red flags in my relationship. My ex is separated from his wife. He complained about her regularly. He even asked if it was bad that he wished she was dead. He was so angry with her because he was stuck in the past. If she would have taken him back, he would have left me for her. I know it in my heart. I was his rebound, and he wasn't ready for a relationship. But I was in love with him by the time I realized, and I let my heart rule the relationship.

 

Break ups suck. There's no easy way around that. I wish there was a magic pill that would make us stop thinking of them. I keep getting my hopes up by reading stories of reconciliation on this site. I almost feel like I have to stop coming here. It's helping, but then I think it's giving me false hope. My ex was awesome, he just wasn't over his wife and has horrible self esteem problems. I tell myself if he gets over her and works on his self esteem he would be perfect. But he may never work on his self esteem. I tried helping him, but he just resented it. I always only tried to lift him up. He claims his wife was verbally abusive. So it makes me wonder if he pushed me away because I was soooo good to him.

 

I don't know, I have to stop guessing. He gave me reasons, but I don't think he knows the reasons deep down in his heart. He thought he was ready for dating and over his wife, but he was just lying to himself.

 

I know that one day this pain will be gone, and someone even better will be in our lives, because each relationship teaches us what we deserve, and what we WON'T settle for.

 

I'm sorry for all of the pain she caused you, but you know that you deserve better, and like you said, it will teach you the red flags for next time. If there's anything I've learned since dating after my own divorce, is that actions speak louder than words. Don't judge someone by what they tell you, judge by their actions. The actions will tell the tale.

 

You can make it through, just give it time.

[Ms Darcy]

Well unfortunately this was indeed a very unhealthy relationship from both of you. Next relationship aim for a more healthy one where neither of you a) cheat or b) have intentions to cheat.

[JagzOrDaFlash]

You know she used to tell me that a lot. In ways I believed her because she always used to say that she felt like she matured and felt a lot older than she was. There's a lot of words and phrases now that after my situation I truly understand their meaning such as regret, letting go, BETRAYELs a big one, etc. And definitely what you and her told me "actions speak louder than words". I guess my actions speak for themselves and so does hers and I can only accept them.

 

You know sometimes I think it felt like a divorce. Even though it was just for a year we lived together, it did feel like divorce when she just basically packed and up and left. Had to transfer schools again, move out, luckily we only moved away 1 from where mine and her parents were, well 2 for her but yeah.

 

Btw I really like and gonna remember this for a long time or for forever. "The past is for reference, not residence." Where you'd get that anyway?

[JagzOrDaFlash]

Next relationship aim for a more healthy one where neither of you a) cheat or b) have intentions to cheat.

 

Sigh yeah I know. Everyday that passes by I'm learning and understanding and trying to forgive myself. And yes, that's another thing that keeps me looking at the light at the end of tunnel. I guess I should have put a little background on me. I really honestly settled for her. I mean I was attracted to her but not at first. And we did sleep together before we actually became official. At the time we hooked up I was really just getting out being social. Meeting and talking with girls. But I accept my actions and thoughts I had at those times and understand I can't do anything about it anymore. Sucks but I can only learn. Now I know never to settle for less. For now I'm just focus on me like I did before her. SHE was the one who chose and talked to me first and at that time I was really focused on school, 4-5 over an ex before her, not even worried or looking for girls. Then she came along. I took her for granted.

 

Idk sometimes I feel like it was all just a mess really. I mean I messed up, she messed up, I got what I deserved idk. But yes your right, next relationship I've learned stay loyal to what I want. I've never cheated with any of my past exes, and this was the only one I just had "intentions" and I'm glad it was only that. I'm not the type to really cheat, I never was and never will. I really lost and found myself and still finding myself after this. Find who I was before, who I am, and who I want to be. It's sad because yes I really miss her but she is yes simply a past lover.