Past trauma affecting my mindful growth

[vix8]

I've come a very long way in self healing. I've been through a lot and I'm now quite content and have a full understanding of everything I went through and why I did certain behaviours. There's just one thing that is preventing me from being at complete peace and reaching enlightenment. It's really bothering me, because I've sorted out every bad thing in my life, but this one thing I just cannot figure out how to fix it!

 

I've had a lot of trauma with trust/love issues. I'm currently numb when it comes to opening up to people with my heart. I put these emotional walls up and shut people out of my heart in fear of getting hurt again. That fear has now turned into something else. It's more like I don't care what happens to me, because either way I won't feel hurt, because feeling hurt is just an emotion, and an emotion does not define me. So I'm currently seeing this guy now, and I don't love him, I don't have any "feelings" for him, and I couldn't care less if I didn't see him for a month. I never call/text him.. he always asks me to hang out. We hook up.. it's okay. I think I just like having him around for sex and cuddling, a comfort thing. I can't live without sensual or the feeling of safe touch like cuddling. It's something that keeps me sane and I absolutely need it. I feel degraded by this guy. He rarely looks me in the eye, he doesn't introduce me to people, I feel like he hides me, if he orgasms first during sex then I don't get to, he allows me to walk home alone in the dark, ect. In the past I've felt degraded and have stood up for myself. But now it's like I don't care if I am degraded, because it doesn't emotionally affect me. But now I'm having rape fantasies, and I want him to hit me and be rough with me. For some reason I just feel like it'll make me feel better. I feel like I would be more powerful. I've slightly attempted to ask him to do it, but I'm kind of scared that I'm even thinking about this. This is tough psychology to explain, but the thoughts of him doing that to me and knowing that he doesn't really want to would make me feel better. I'm not exactly sure why, maybe because the way he is treating, which I don't really want, yet I stay. I mean if he`s degrading me, then he mind as well fully degrade me. By not fully degrading me, I feel powerless, there is nothing I can take in return. This is why I think I`m having rape fantasies. He was kinda forceful with the first hookup, not aggressive, but forceful in making sure that it was going to happen. That's what kept me around too, because I don't feel comfortable having sex with anyone. I only do with him, because he made sure that it happened, and I don`t want to have sex with anyone else, just him. Maybe because I know I`ll never love someone who treats me like that. It`s not like he is a bad person either, he does nice things for me too out of the blue. I feel like I`m rambling on and I`m not sure if I make sense. I`m just trying to organize my thoughts. I`m lost, and I don`t know how to get over this trauma. I don`t know how to open my heart again. I just want intimate love so bad.

[Ms Darcy]

What past trauma are you talking about?

 

Honestly, with your need to keep a lackluster, uncaring guy you actually aren't that into around for comfort, I think you need to seek some professional help. It may be better for you to be single to work through your issues and intense counselling could help you.

[The Old Man]

Nothing worth having is free. If you want a good guy then there is a price. If you want intimate love then there is a price. The things that you are thinking are not the path towards either of these things. The things that you are thinking are defeatist thoughts. Also, it is my firm belief that you are lying to yourself, and that needs to stop. My reason for thinking this is that you care that he is degrading you. You care so much, in fact, that you wish he would do it more so that you didn't really have to like him, which you certainly do.

 

Bottom line, this sounds like a pretty unhealthy relationship and you need to be honest with yourself about it and move on before you seriously mess up your own head, and his.

[iam42]

the thing about enlightenment is that it means that you neither give nor accept suffering/harm. it is not a form or the achievement of emotional numbness; it aligns you with health and healthy choices, even when they are hard.

 

you might benefit from counseling to help you get over past traumas and build enough strength and self-love to prevent additional ones.