need help, abusive relationship? beating myself up...

[jenspaz]

i dont know what to do. I am with a guy that i have been with for about 6 months now. the relationship is clearly abusive in many ways, but i cling to him and when things get bad and he says he is going to leave i get scared and even though what i want is to let him go and get out of the relationship and into a safe place, each and every time i find myself trying to convince him to stay, and he does.

 

let me go into some minor details on how this is an abusive relationship.....

 

the first day i met him, he ended up coming to my apartment because he had been living with his ex-girlfriend (they had an apartment together) and when she found out about me they got into a fight and he left. (well that is the story according to him, and THAT hasnt proven to be honest, so i dont know if that is what really happened or just another LIE) He told me he needed somewhere to stay for the weekend. I let him stay......he hasnt left my apartment since then.....i am 21 and was 21 when i met him.....i had never had sex, and becauase of my religious beliefs was going to wait until i was married. This was a STRONG belief of mine and i normally wouldnt compromise that. That first night he wanted to sleep in my bed, i let him, he asked to take his pants off and i said yes, assuming he was wearing boxers. He wasnt.....the first night with him, he ended up sleeping naked next to me. On the third night we had sex....that is when i realized that the first day i met him he told me he had herpes, i didnt really understand what he meant because of how he said it, this is when it sunk in.......that really isnt "abusive" so i will get on with the story.......

 

it has gotten worse as i knew him more, in the beginning i was afraid to lose him, he was the best thing in my life. now that is changed, my heart wants him gone, but my head wont let me do it.........

 

I am at my sisters house an hour away from him.......she doesnt like him and wont alllow him to be here. none of my friends like him......he is getting mad because i keep saying im coming home and dont, i keep putting it off, he has basically forbidden his friend who is also my friend to talk to me when he isnt around. He told me last night he isnt mad that im here with my sister. he is just mad because he cant spend everyday with me......he gets so jealous...

 

he is ALWAYS asking me if "my other boyfriend" is standing next to me, or "are you having sex with someone else" or "who is he" or "who did you flirt with when you were gone" stuff like that.......

 

he is basically making me choose between my friends and family, or him. he SAYS its okay that i spend time with these people but throws me a guilt trip when i actually do. To the point where FOR some reason i cry and beg him to stay........

 

he blames everything on me....I am mistreating him, i am putting him through hell, HE doesnt deserve to be treated this way, and ALL I DO IS SPEND TIME WITH THE PEOPLE I LOVE....my friends and family.

 

He told me once he is glad i dont have any friends, that he likes being the only one in my life.......

 

and SEX, he tells me he doesnt see anything wrong with having sex every night, and even up to 5 times a day! i was abused as a child, and am TOTALLY uncomfortable with having sex at all....he doesnt seem to care. He doesnt even seem to care that EVERY time we have sex, he is risking giving me an incureable sexually transmitted disease. When i have said i didnt want to have sex without comdoms he said "you buying?" he tells me he wouldnt want to have sex this much if he didnt LOVE me like he did. WHATEVER! He is clearly using me. Once i told him i didnt want to have sex at all anymore, and i said "take sex out of the relationship and see how long it takes this relationship to go downhill" a few days after that when i had stuck to my word he said "im getting tired of this no sex bulls*it" IT HAD ONLY BEEN two and a HALF DAYS with no sex!" i told him that made me felt used. i ALWAYS feel like he is using me!

 

he didnt have a job for the 6 months since i met him, he just got one. When i first met him i let him BORROW 400 dollars to pay a ticket so he would stay out of JAIL. He had no income at that time......he has only given me 130 of that back. HE LIVES IN MY apartment, doesnt help with rent, doesnt help buy food, doesnt help with household items, and TOTALLY lives off of ME! i am on social security dissability and can barely support myself. I am also on food stamps, and he USES me for it I KNOW IT. he continues to play on my weaknesses....

 

he KNOWS all my issues, he KNOWS i have an eating disorder, struggle with body image, cant stand up for myself, dont like myself, he KNOWS i was sexually abused as a child, KNOWS i went through foster care, KNOWS everyone else in my life has left me, and just PLAYS on the weaknesses i have.........that is where i made a mistake, i TOLD him the things i struggle with and i feel like he has just taken advantage of those things and used them to BENEFIT himself!

 

i take sleeping medicine (seroquel) and one night i wasnt quite asleep but i pretended to be....seroquel KNOCKS you out, its like a tranquilizer or something.....he sleeps naked, and KNOWING i was on meds and supposidly sleeping he decided to have sex with me, the next day i told him i was awake and to me it felt like rape because according to what he knew i was knocked out on serouquel. another night i woke up to him touching me.......i yanked his hand away and said that i just woke up......

 

there are a few good things, i think that is what is keeping me here, I WANT TO LEAVE but i just dont have the strength.....im not sure what to do anymore.

 

i am resorting to old behaviors to deal with things, i think im just scared to be alone again.....i am not eating, thinking suicidal thoughts, and cutting myself again, and NOW i am staring to drink.....i never use to use that to deal, but i am now.....i am scared......

 

he punched a hole in my apartment wall.....and stole 20 dollars out of my bank acocunt and wasnt planning on telling me until i called the bank and found out......

 

beating myself up because i cant let him go, because i see this now and cry and keep him here....im lost.......

 

if you know how i feel or just have some advice please help me, i can use all the help i can get right now. thank you ~jen~

[Strictly4MyGrind]

I dint read it all i got part way through and i jus think you need to get rid of him....

 

he clearly isnt treating you right at all he doesnt seem to respect you

 

you said hes using you so kick him out....

 

get your friends to help you if he becomes violent he cant hit all of you....

 

jus get rid of him please you deserve much better....

 

for youself get rid of him however hard it might be all your will power use it get rid of him....

 

you say there are a few good things about him whatever they are i dont they compenstate for the other things hes done.....

 

get help from your sister get him out...

 

i dont normally recomend the help of them but the police call them i mean the things hes done there criminal offences get him locked up

 

Get Away From Him For Your Own Sake

[sisterlynch]

Warn him that you don't love him and want him to move.

 

If he does anything physical to you that you don't want and cant control -- you have to call the cops and make a report. that is the only thing that is going to stop him.

 

Warn him that he has to leave so that he can start to look for another place...but don't let him touch you. Don't let him sleep in the room with you at night, lock the door if you don't trust him.

 

Don't argue with him.

[Softmoonlight]

link removed

 

Dear, please read that. This will tell you exactly what you need to see. It's written by a psychologist, and will make complete sense, trust me.

 

I am in psychology myself, and what's wrong is that you are very emotionally fragile right? You have been abused, have an eating disorder, and this is exactly what someone who is abusive looks for.

 

Please, don't waste your time. He won't change, he isn't adding anything of value to your life but more agony. It's time to get rid of him.

Read that document, and move on dear. You have to focus on yourself.

 

Hugs

Softmoonlight

[catgirl82]

let us help you do what you know you must do- leave this man, do whatever it takes. he is 100% abusing you. please, it breaks all of our hearts to know that someone like you is getting treated like this. you deserve SO much better. take our word for it, you need to break it off

[sisterlynch]

That article was excellent...a lot of good logical advice.

[brokenheartednow]

Trust me, the longer you stay with this psycho, the harder it will be to leave him. He will try to isolate you from your family and friends until all you have is him. He will continue to use you as long as you let him. He sounds like a freeloader with low self-esteem and jealousy issues, typical behavior of an abuser. Believe me, it's only been six months and if you wait another six months it will be that much harder to shake yourself of him.

 

Tell him that you don't feel the same way anymore, make up some b.s. about feeling guilty for having sex since it is against your religion. Tell him it's against your morals to live together in sin b/f marriage and that you are too young to marry. If he gets violent or aggressive, wait til he leaves, put all his stuff outside and get a restraining order against him. I know it's hard but in the long run you'll be kicking yourself if you allow him to waste more of your time/energy/money/chances to meet someone worthwhile w/out all these issues.