what to do now -- lost....

[scubasnake]

I'm in a pickle now and feel lost..... Married for almost 14 years (together 17), 2 kids (3 and 5) -- lately feeling that I married too young (22, husband was 26). I've been feeling vaguely unhappy with my marriage for years now... 7 or so... thought we just needed to shake things up a bit and get out of our rut so we had kids. While they provided a distraction for a while (and still do), the unhappy feeling is still there. I guess it's the same old story... I love my husband - like a good friend or brother. Not "in love" anymore. I'm going to counseling in an attempt to identify what's "missing" or "wrong" and see if my marriage can be saved, but to be honest, my heart's not in it.

 

In fact, my heart now belongs to someone else. This summer, I met an old co-worker/friend for lunch. We've known each other for over a decade and have always had what I thought was a solid friendship. Nothing more. I always had a slight secret crush on this man, but never let him know since I was married, he was always involved with someone, and he never seemed interested. We met for lunch a couple times, and he began to confide in me -- problems he was having with his current live-in gf of over 4 years. I felt flattered that he'd value my opinion enough to share such information and tried to give him helpful advice... Then he drops the bomb that he's had a crush on me since the day we met. I was (emotionally)swept away. A fantasy come true. We ended up meeting again and things got physical (momentarily) until I realized I was physically cheating on my husband -- something I never thought I'd do. Since then, I've fallen completely, totally in love with this man and have told him how I feel. No physical contact since the one occurrence. Now he's told me that although he has feelings for me (he's never called them "love"), he wants to work out issues on his end with his gf.

 

What do I do now? I'm in love with someone I can't have, and married to someone I don't love in a romantic sense. I know it never works to leave one person for another, and I was going to try and evaluate my marriage on it's own merits without consideration to any potential with this other man, but how do I deal with the heartbreak I'm feeling? Especially since my husband knows I'm not happy but isn't aware that the other guy is playing such a large part?

 

I'm distraught at being so stupid as to allow a good friendship to be ruined by something that evidently didn't mean anything to this other man. Or if it did mean something, it certainly didn't mean a lot or enough. If I could go back in time, I'd stop what happened and keep our friendship, but now I've lost my heart, my friendship, my marriage, and a huge amount of self worth.

 

I'm lost.... any thoughts or advice would be appreciated...

[dreamweaverdude]

Scuba, dont be too hard on yourself. Your situation is oh so familiar in that your marriage is no longer what it was for whatever reason, and someone gave you attention you were longing for. I've been there, am there, so i understand.

 

So let me tell you what i've learned so far in dealing with my issues, that it is of the utmost importance to you and to everyone involved that if you intent to move on with this man, you need to leave in what ever manner you find appropriate the marriage you are in. I know that is easier said than done. I KNOW. but i'm learning that that is the only way to do it. If you have no intentions of taking it farther then terminate immediately before it causes you any more damage than it already has, especially if you at all think your marriage is salvagable.

 

And what ever you decide let him know, don't lead this man on thinking you are doing something to 'get with him' when you don't have any real intentions of doing so....

 

You have lots of decisions to make............... think wisely. and good luck

[sisterlynch]

Look around for other causes of your unhappiness. Maybe you have always had a low grade depression and you never have noticed it until now. Maybe your husband needs to build more time for you into his life.

 

I went thru something similar at about your age, I think it is just a time when your hormones drop and your husband is more worried about other things in his life.

 

Try and rebuild the spark that the two of you have had in the past.

[kel]

I think it's good that you are trying to evaluate your marriage. I do think that you can fall in love with your husband again. Of course this won't happen until you "let go" of your friend. You will need time for that to happen and I would encourage you to find a hobby or indulge in family time.

 

I read your topic only because it sounded like me on the otherside of the fence. My husband did leave after cheating for a year and it was the most difficult time of my life. When he left, he lost all his friends, the comfort of his home, and his children (except for Wed night and Saturdays). He has since begged to come back (after 3 years )and we are working on it.

 

Pick yourself up - it's too late to dwell on the past and you can't have him. Start working on the positive. Your friend may have been scared off - a woman with 2 children and a husband is a tough package. Like yourself, your friend was probably flattered by the attention.

 

Once you get back on your feet, see if your marriagae is worth continuing. But not now, you still have feelings for your friend so give it some time. If so, find a good marriage counselor. When I watched my children crying and clinging to my leg when their father came to pick them up then clinging on to his leg when he left, I knew the answer. My daughter, now 8 would be horribly crushed if he left now and to watch her go through that would be equally upsetting. Good luck!

[cleverme123]

One it's very difficult to fix your marriage and even going to counseling will be difficult if you go with a negative attitude that it won't work. Two, bringing someone else into the situation whether long term friends or not will make things look really really bad as well. You can only make the marriage work if you are willing.

 

Does your husband know you feel this way? And if not, don't you think you should? Maybe if he knew what was going on and that you wanted to try to spice things up a bit you all could work on it together. Find someone to watch the kids a night a week and start going on "dates" again. Find reasons to fall in love. Don't be out looking to find love with someone else until you sign on the dotted line saying you are divorced. It gets compicated and stated again, you can't fix your relationship if you are letting someone else in your situation. you have a long time together, and there are things there that no one else will ever have.

 

Just give it some thought.

[GettingOverIt]

I have to agree with some of what Kel is saying... I recently had left my wife of 13+ years for all kinds of reasons. While I was separated, I met someone and we had a very rough relationship, partly because I was not officially divorced and we had to be 'careful' about things. Things fell apart there and I ended up going back (I am still working through why I left and why I went back), but I have to tell you, it broke my heart every time I came to get my children or when I had to drop them off. Though I do not believe anyone should stay in a marriage 'for the children,' they certainly can play a large role in what we might or might not do.

 

Do NOT leave your husband 'for' another person. If you are going to end your marriage, then do that first, and get it behind you before you try moving on. If you stay in your marriage, and are able to get those feelings back through counseling, then chalk your experience up to a life lesson and move on (yes, easier said than done).

 

If you want to stay, then think of the things that you first loved about your husband. Are those things still there? If not, why not? If you fall for someone else, will those same kinds of things still be there later? We fall into routine and we all fall in and out of love with people. You can have a deep love for someone and not be 'in love' with them. I have learned this the hard way, and am still learning it....

[dirtbubble]

There is a difference between being "in love" and loving. Being in love means a lot of passion. It's such a rush. Sound like you've been overtaken by that sensation, so that even though this other guy has put you off, you want more. I don't think this other guy is serious about you, though, and it's already showing. Further pursuit might turn out to be such a pathetic waste.

 

Love, on the other hand, is the whole other side of marriage. At the risk of seeming cliche, it's in the vows, you know, "in sickness and in health..." It means your commitment can withstand the currents of passion that threaten the relationship. As far as I remember, I never heard anyone say marriage was easy... Uh, nope, no one ever said that to me anyway.

 

I am glad you went no further with this other guy. Cheating sucks for everybody.

 

Your husband, however distracted and disconnected he may seem, has stuck with you and you with him so far. You have nominally buried your passion with him, but it doesn't have to be over. A huge step would be to open up to him and let him know how much you desire passion in your life, in your marriage. Maybe he needs to wake up to your needs. And maybe you should evaluate what love means to you. It's not all about the rose petals you know--there are thorns.

[sisterlynch]

I heard a saying recently that when you are in love "you are not in your right mind" which means that the endorphins set off by this new possibility are making your brain work differently...which is fine as long as you know that you are in an altered state of mind!!!

 

 

When your husband finds out that you have a hard on for another guy, he will be upset, but he will learn his lesson to stay close to you and make the most of the relationship.

 

Tell him, it takes guts, but I feel that you owe him that level of respect!!!