fed up with adult son taking advantage

[leki lata]

I am the mother of 8 adult children (from age 42 to 22) and I dearly love them all. I am proud of the fact that all of them , with the exception of one, are productive and hard-working members of society. However, I have one son who is draining us (both financially and emotionally) and I feel I need some advice about how I am supposed to approach this... so as to best help this 'child' of ours.

 

At age 40 our son cannot manage to pay his rent nor many of his monthly bills & he is obviously expecting us to keep taking care of him and his 3 teenage children (19-17-15 years old) . We have over the years done this repeatedly; i.e we have paid his rent, we have paid off his credit cards- once they have maxed out, we have provided him with a vehicle and we have paid his car repairs , we have supported his kids , paid for his pets' vet-bills and so on. We have done all of this so that the children can feel safe in the only home they have ever known.

 

What has recently brought this to a head is that now our son has now completely quit working ( he had a job he was extremely good at ), because of (what he calls) 'mental exhaustion' . He has now decided he is not suited for this career anymore and that he needs to take an extended time off... he appears to feel the solution is that he never should work again, that he instead should stay on social assistance indefinitely-- and so he sits at home in front of the computer and on dating web-sites. The house looks like a pig-sty and his kids have unfortunately been neglected for a good part of their lives.

 

We have been here many a time before- in fact our son has only worked for 2 years in total after his wife passed away 12 years ago and he obviously has deep emotional issues . His oldest child ( a girl) has been acting out for at least 7 years: the poor girl is feeling quite lost I am sure- and this has manifested as lying, stealing, doing drugs, being verbally abusive, getting kicked out of school etc. My son does not set any limits and he sadly excuses all of his daughter's unacceptable behaviour.

 

My husband and I are nearing retirement age and we are not in the best of health -- and this overwhelmingly stressful situation is more than we can handle in the long run. We love our son dearly, and I feel truly badly for all his emotional pain, but we have a lot of problems accepting this behaviour and I do not think it is good for him, just wallowing at home --nor is it good for for his kids to see this go on and on. He is setting a very poor example for them... and so I fear for their future, as they most certainly are not learning from their father what it means to be an adult.

 

My husband and I are not poor, but we are certainly not wealthy and we have worked so very hard for everything that we have. We still have a lot of debt, since we have helped ALL our children through college/university. The rest of our children have all been expected to work part-time in order to afford going to school. It is therefore difficult for us to accept that this one son continues to take such gross advantage. I am at loss in regard to what we should now do.

 

are there any good ideas out there?

[mhowe]

Cut him off. You are not doing him any favors by enabling him. You have created the expectations that you will bail him out. Tell him you are.done.

[abitbroken]

I think that you should encourage him to go to counseling. Losing a spouse to death is major. And some people don't have the coping mechanisms. But did he start this before that? Were you paying his way before that all happened? I think you should be selective on what you do. You should mentor the kids and encourage them in the way of working hard at school to get scholarships, rewarding them for hard work or good grades and be their cheerleader to get part time jobs. I think you should do grandparent things like buying some school supplies and treating your grandchildren to dinner or bring them groceries, but you should no longer pay your son's rent.

 

Decide if you or any of your other children are wanting to take on one of the kids temporarily so they have somewhere to go so that your son can go into something he can afford or until he gets his act together and don't give him a cent.

[journeynow]

I agree with mhowe. You could tell him you've looked over your own situation and are no longer able to help him out with his finances, and that he needs to seek help for his emotional exhaustion and inability to work. He's too young to throw in the towel, and his children need him.

[leki lata]

He does go to counselling --and has on and off for many years. You are right; his coping mechanisms are not good.

 

We were not paying his way before ( or at least not anymore than we were for our other children) but he has always been struggling somewhat mentally, so we have been supportive of him emotionally, as much as possible.

 

We have also taken the children- off and on - over the years, and sadly have had to involve children's services when that has been warranted (because of neglect issues) .

 

of course we will continue to do the grandparents thing- but I think you are right, we need to find a way to make our son take responsibility for his own adult life and to step up to the plate as a parent.

[abitbroken]

 

of course we will continue to do the grandparents thing- but I think you are right, we need to find a way to make our son take responsibility for his own adult life and to step up to the plate as a parent.

 

If he has mental difficulties, that may never happen. I think the most you can hope for is for him to step up the plate and be responsible for his own self. If you say he has always had mental difficulties, do you think there is something more there - developmental or emotional issues that don't relate to his wife? The way he has been all his life? I bet his wife did most of the handling of the kids and the handling of finances, etc, and now he has no partner to steer him. And if there are other difficulties he has, he doesn't know how or is ill equipped.

 

If you have had to take the children before, now is the time to groom the 19 year old to living away from dad by the time he/she is 21 - getting into a certification course or trade school, etc, to be self sufficient, and gearing the 17 year old longer range for it. While some kids live with parents til 30 - it is not wrong for someone to be self sufficient either living with a roommate or other family and paying their own way at 20 or so years old.

 

I think if you keep that in mind and not try to groom him into the parent you want him to be - he will have an adult relationship with his kids later - but if you guys as a couple and the rest of your kids, etc, can get behind supporting this, the kids have a chance for themselves - even if it works out for you or the other siblings to take the kids or at least maybe have them come visit after school, etc, to mold them - are any of your other children living nearby?

[shellyf62]

I agree with mhowe. You could tell him you've looked over your own situation and are no longer able to help him out with his finances, and that he needs to seek help for his emotional exhaustion and inability to work. He's too young to throw in the towel, and his children need him.

 

Absolutely agree....

 

By trying to "help" him through his issues you have led him to believe that no matter the circumstances Mum & Dad will bail me out.

 

I know it is hard to watch your children struggle, but he cant give up on life at the age of 40. He has maybe another 40 years of life left, is he going to sit at home & squander them ? And god forbid something happens to you & your husband, who is going to take care of him then?

 

Is there a local mental health centre that can look at his situation & offer support & coping skills?

 

My Son has Bi Polar, so I understand your situation. He also has a young Son with his Ex Wife. At times he finds his job is very stressful and he wants to quit & sit in his bedroom, but realises that no one will pay his bills for him and that he just has to "suck it up" and keep going.

 

I hope you can work this out.

[leki lata]

yes , for sure there are more issues underlying; not of a developmental kind, but rather our son has displayed a pronounced tendency towards anxiety/depression ever since his early teen years. We sought help for him then and continue to support him going to counselling. He is fundamentally a kind person and has many strengths , but he has never been an effective parent and it appears he is unable to keep working for any length of time.

 

Unfortunately his 19 year old daughter is the most damaged and I have to say she is the most like our son; her father- except she has many more behavioural issues than he ever had; which does not bode well. She is not capable of living on her own in the foreseeable future since she has significant emotional and acting-out issues, likely created by the loss of her mother (when she was only 7 years old) and then she was trust into a chaotic upbringing with an ineffectual father.

 

it is a really great idea to involve his 7 siblings (1 older and 6 younger) and we have tried to do this, repeatedly- they all love their brother and try to be supportive -over and over again- plus they absolutely adore the kids, but impatience is unfortunately beginning to set in there too. I think I need to find a way to make my son understand that we will always be there for him , but that this does not mean that we will pay his way. unfortunately my worry over the kids welfare has likely made me put up with this situation for far too long.

[shellyf62]

Did his children get counselling when their Mother passed away?

There seems to be so many issues under then one roof

[alli]

I think you should tell him that you are no longer able to provide for your adult children, nor are you able to provide for the adult/nearly adult children of your children. I would suggest doing this now, before he asks for money. This is what adults do- they work, even when they are exhausted and don't want to. If he can figure out some other way to get by that is great for him. But the "parenting" portion of your end of the deal should have tapered to an end 20 years ago. Based on your track record of supporting him for nearly his entire adult life and the fact that you aren't sure what to do about this situation tells me you may not be willing to stop enabling him. ALL of his children are old enough to work. The 15 year old not as much because of school. The 17 year old is probably in their senior year of high school, so that one can be more self-supporting in a matter of months.

 

There is nothing you can do about his irresponsible behavior or that of his 19 year old daughter. You can't parent them forever. They are both adults and they both must deal with the ramifications of their choices. Eventually, you will not be here and he will be. Where is he going to get his money then? He will have the same problem then as he has now. The only difference is when the consequences set in and whether or not you let him run you dry in the process. He will not even be able to collect social security when he hits that age at this point.

 

The bottom line is that he is taking a path destined for poverty and hard financial times for the rest of his life. You can't do anything to stop this. However, you can help him along the way by continuing to enable him until he runs you dry and in 15-20 years (give or take) you have passed away. Then he will be in even more poverty, older and without options for digging himself out because he never learned how to support himself and he never considered anything he would ever need beyond what he wants in the current moment.

[leki lata]

yes the children have also gotten counselling. I took the two eldest to therapy sessions for several years... and the youngest has also had counselling support. and yes; you are right- there are a lot of problems under one roof, unfortunately.

[pippy longstocking]

I havent got anything to say that hasn't been said , but I did want to

tell you that you and your husband are just awesome parents and grandparents xx

[leki lata]

thanks! i am glad I found this forum.

[shellyf62]

yes the children have also gotten counselling. I took the two eldest to therapy sessions for several years... and the youngest has also had counselling support. and yes; you are right- there are a lot of problems under one roof, unfortunately.

 

I send you hugs & hope you can sort this out. ((( )))