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Ex is back in touch but I'm not sure how to play it..,

RGS

By RGS
in Getting Back Together

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RGS Contributor

RGS

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We broke up 15 months ago now and were vaguely in touch after intermittently. After 4 months of not a word from both sides he got back in touch by email. After a bit of chit chat he says "we can meet up sometime if you'd like to".

 

I said "sure we can if you want to when I get back from holiday". I left it a while and emailed him last week saying I'm free this weekend if he wants to meet and he said he'd "cool, ill let you know I've not heard yet and I'm not sure if I will but...

 

This is accompanied by some odd twitter behaviour when he doesn't usually go on it much (I don't follow him on it btw I was just twitter stalking to try and sus out where he's at). One twitter feed was about an early morning guest pass for his gym (doesn't seem sus unless you know that it's the one right next to his house, none of his friends live close by and he tried to get one for me when we were dating). He's changed his twitter pic from one of a holiday we went on together to one from another holiday he has clearly been on more recently. He's following an arts and crafts fair near his house which is hysterical as he is the most macho football minded man you'll ever meet and only ever follows fitness pros, footballers or betting sites.

 

So my questions are:

 

Why is he in touch?

Is he seeing someone?

If he is seeing someone why has he contacted me?

How do I approach this?

What's with the funny twitter feeds am I over analysing it? it just seems a bit sus this odd activity in a short space of time when he's never on there.

 

I don't know what to do. I still care about him but I don't understand why he is in touch again and I don't want to get mucked around or hurt. Advice?

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dereitis Enthusiast

dereitis

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I would say he misses you or may be interested in maintaining a friendship. Whether or not he's seeing someone is irrelevant and really unknown right now. I would play it by ear but remember why you broke up in the first place. You can dissolve all the progress of your healing with him if you decide to meet up and he's not on the same page as you are emotionally. Maybe right now it might be important to try and figure out what he wants with this reconciliation before you step too close to the fire. You could be blatantly overanalyzing the situation (like I do) and that can be a huge set up for disaster, so keep your heart off your sleeve and play smart. Don't let your emotions start making decisions for you because you don't want to wind up being hurt.

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Tanzi Mentor

Tanzi

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Well technically you contacted him last and he has yet to reply back. I know he got back in touch before that but maybe circumstances changed in between him emailing you initially and you emailing him re back, though no-one could possibly know whether or not your ex is seeing someone.

 

I think you are reading wayyyy too much into his twitter behaviour. I'm sure if you followed anyone, you would see that they have done stuff that would seem out of character.

 

Your email telling him when you are free left the ball firmly in his court so I don't see that there is anything else to do at this stage.

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RGS Contributor

RGS

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Earlier on in the year we'd met and had a lovely time just chatting and catching up I suggested meeting after that and he said he'd let me know but he never did. I didn't hear a thing until the other week now he is asking to meet. I suspect if I ask why he is in contact he'll say "I thought you wanted to meet" because of our interactions earlier in the year. What do you think? It is blatantly not the reason though because why take so long with it!

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RGS Contributor

RGS

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You suggested meeting after the catch up --- and he didn't pick up on it.

Now, maybe he's bored...or whatever...

 

I don't understand what you need to "catch-up" on.

 

Exactly it's pretty fruitless isn't it. I miss him but to move on I don't need to know what he's up to. I don't want to hurt him though

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mhowe Proficient

mhowe

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He doesn't have any intentions! If he had intentions, he would at least give you a hint.

If he doesn't get back in touch --- stop contacting him to "catch up".

If he does call --- be busy whatever day he suggests, tell him you'll get back to him....and don't.

And then see if he follows up. I dare say, he won't.

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Tanzi Mentor

Tanzi

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He does this about once a month. It is nothing but an ego feed.

Re-read your last thread....posted at the end of July.

 

Ah yes, I remember the thread now. The AWOL thread. He had stopped responding to you then too and, at that time, you said he was probably repeating previous patterns. It's time to stop analysing why he contacts you because in 15 months it hasn't lead to anything. All that happens is he reaches out to you because he wants to know that you are still responsive to him, when you are and he is happy in that knowledge he disappears again until the next time he wants to know if you are still responsive to him. For him knowing that you are responsive to him, is knowing that his safety net is still firmly in place and once he is confident that it is he can continue on his way.

 

You are simply helping him in his journey to find someone else.

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Tanzi Mentor

Tanzi

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So if I don't get back to him do you think it will out his true intentions? I.e if he gives a s*** ill hear from him regardless, if he doesn't that's it?

 

I really want to ask why he is in touch!

 

If he gave a "real" s**t he wouldn't keep disappearing.

 

Have you not asked him this before? Though I think it is safe to say, whatever his intentions are, it isn't about reconciliation because he would be trying a lot harder if they were.

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RGS Contributor

RGS

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Ok so plan of action is... If he contacts and suggests a day say "hiya sorry I can't do Sunday (whatever) Why is it you wanted to meet?"

Or is simply "I can't do Sunday" then disappearing more effective? (This way I don't get my answer though?)

 

If I don't here from him at all just ignore him (which tbh isn't hard as it's what I did last time and would do anyway)

 

Guys I need all your help with this, you need to keep me strong! I HAVE to break this cycle but it feels so hard!!!

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Tanzi Mentor

Tanzi

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If you ask him why he wants to meet, he will likely say "just to catch up". That will still leave you hoping that it means more.

 

Definitely don't contact him if he doesn't contact you.

 

I agree with mhowe ... tell him you will get back to him .... and then don't. Do a "disappearing act" on him like he keeps doing on you.

 

15 months in and you are stuck in the same emotional cycle. Every time he contacts you, you are asking yourself if it means he wants to get back with you and it is stopping you from moving on. This cycle will only stop if you break it.

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RGS Contributor

RGS

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Ok thanks, please help me keep strong on this I know you're right! Ill keep posting to try abd get through it. It sucks to think someone I once cared about and who cared about me would be reduced to these silly games and disappearing acts.. I need to focus on the fact that if he cared about me now he wouldn't be playing these silly games. I need to MOVE ON I don't know why 15 months on I still haven't.. It's frustrating and sad

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Tanzi Mentor

Tanzi

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Ok thanks, please help me keep strong on this I know you're right! Ill keep posting to try abd get through it. It sucks to think someone I once cared about and who cared about me would be reduced to these silly games and disappearing acts.. I need to focus on the fact that if he cared about me now he wouldn't be playing these silly games. I need to MOVE ON I don't know why 15 months on I still haven't.. It's frustrating and sad

 

Because his contact is still feeding you hope.

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RGS Contributor

RGS

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I have an awful feeling he'll email tomorrow and suggest meeting Sunday or one day this weekend. I just made plans with friends Sunday and friday so if that does happen ill be busy all weekend anyway. I need to make myself do this As I'm already talking myself out of it! I don't want to be here in another 15 months posting the same thing, I'm such an eejit!!

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Tanzi Mentor

Tanzi

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I have an awful feeling he'll email tomorrow and suggest meeting Sunday or one day this weekend. I just made plans with friends Sunday and friday so if that does happen ill be busy all weekend anyway. I need to make myself do this As I'm already talking myself out of it! I don't want to be here in another 15 months posting the same thing, I'm such an eejit!!

 

EXACTLY!!! So keep yourself busy. Make yourself your focus and not him.

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calichick007 Enthusiast

calichick007

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He does this about once a month. It is nothing but an ego feed.

Re-read your last thread....posted at the end of July.

 

Agree. As I said in your other thread, I think he contacts you when he has a wave of boredom or loneliness. When the wave passes (or he has someone else to quell the feeling), he disappears again. He'll keep doing it as long as you let him.

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