Life changes needed....

[lonerchick]

Well I am 29 years old, and feel more lost than I have in a long time. Dealing with depression and afraid to get help. I have all these emotions and not sure what to do with them. Sometimes I am happy, and then the others I am very sad, crying as soon as I leave my job. I work in a jail and deal with criminals on a daily basis. I honestly feel like my life is out of control and I have no idea on how to get control over it again. My family is somewhat supportive, and usually its "suck it up and deal with it." I have emotional issues that I hid away for so long I had no idea over the past few years that they would come flooding back. I used to be the out going girl, and now I would rather hide in my bedroom. So where do I begin?

 

Well I have a good chance over the next couple of months to be considered for a dream job in law enforcement and well that means getting in shape. I feel horrible about myself most of the time. I need motivation and inspiration, and again it comes and goes as quickly as my mood swings. I am tired of being tired and depressed. So how do people deal with this? I want to forget who this emotionless person is and enjoy life again. In other words, the past year or longer I have felt dead inside. And well I am tired of feeling that way. So I guess the first step is wanting a change for the better.

 

So basically over the past few years, I have let people use me for money and other things. People who I thought were my friends are not, and well I have slowly weeded them out, and stopped having anything to do with them. As soon as this last person who was my best friend for nearly 9 years is gone I might feel a little better. I have come to the conclusion that she hasn't been truly my friend for a few years. I have helped her out financially and emotionally, and over the past two years she has not been there for me. Barely paid me back, and barely has been there for me, and guess what I am done being her supportive friend and not going to deal with her anymore.

 

So here in about 30 minutes I am going to walk two miles and try and run some. I have to be able to do the physical part of the job to get the job I want...

 

First goal is to walk two miles today....small goals to begin with.

 

So this journal will be my emotional and weight loss journey...its going to be a scary ride, but I want a change, its either this or be miserable for the rest of my life. I am hopeful and hopefully this feeling will stay around a little bit longer than the sadness I feel most of the time.

 

Current weight around 188, goal weight is 145-155 pounds. I can do this!

[lonerchick]

Well I didn't exactly walk two miles, I ended up only walking/running/jogging 1 mile because it is 05:42 in the morning, and when I started it was 5 am, and well its dark and scary out. I live in the country but I still have my fears of something creepy coming after me in the night. But I did it in under 17 minutes. I haven't been able to do that in a long time. And I weighed myself, apparently my scale is either broken or off by a few pounds but I weigh 182/183 pounds, so some how over the past couple of weeks I have lost a few pounds. Well I am proud of myself And I have already drank one bottle of water So go me...

 

But I wanted to write about my self image issues, and low self-esteem. Well I basically don't have any. This blog is not to get sympathy, I need help. And honestly I do not want to go to a therapist because I am afraid of being that honest in front of other people. I am very guarded with how I feel, I don't trust easy, and I am afraid of relationships past anything other than "How is your day going?" So basically this is as close as I can get to opening up right now. This way I think is best for now. Rather someone responds is up to the person who actually takes the time to read this. It would be greatly appreciated.

 

Anyways, back to this whole self image thing, I have not done a lot of things to be proud of, but I am better than what I was. Most of my issues, like so many females, stem from my father not being there when I was younger. He and my mother divorced when I was 6, and he passed away when I was 10 years old. During my teenage years I understood who I was, but as I got older it sort of left me. And well I have been lost for a long time. I know that I enjoy being happy, but somehow have to get back to it. I have this self image, that I am ugly, and fat, and well worthless....so how do you fix that? any suggestions?

 

And so either way this morning, I feel pretty good about myself! And well...yeah I may be still "fat" but at least one step at a time I am making myself better. Starting today, and well its a new day! Well technically it is the end to a day, since I work night shift, and well eitherway, today is better than it was yesterday!!!

[Firiel]

What job do you want?