Dealing with girlfriends past

[the_bomb]

I need advice.

 

I have been in a relationship with a girl for 5 months now. She is 22/23. We were friends for 6 months before one day we ended up sleeping together. I think we liked each other for a good chunk of the time during which we were friends, but complications arose that didn't allow for us to get together. My problem is this: From the morning after we slept together for the first time, she blurted out a lot of her sexual past, including infidelities with exes, sleeping with 7 people by 19 (not including several hook-ups that only ended in oral sex or handjobs), sleeping with 2 different people in 24 hours, sleeping with her ex boyfriends best friend about one month after they broke up (she was 17 at the time), details about the size of her ex partners, and how she periodically would have sex with a particular ex after every failed relationship/encounter. She seems proud of these experiences, and told me every salascious detail. After a month of hearing this, and how good others were in bed, I decided to call it quits. I explained to her her lack of ability to be faithful in past relationships and her colorful past made her seem like someone more interested in random sex than in a relationship.

 

However, I was made to feel like I was overreacting and being "the jealous type" and I think I was conned into taking her back even though my heart isn't in it. Every time I sleep with her now I have visions of those other guys, and it's at the point where I don't enjoy my time with her and we fight a lot.

 

My question is this:

 

Does my reaction seem like overreaction? Is 7+ guys by 19 common? Should I be worried about her ability to be faithful? If I break up over this, could I be ruining a good thing because of things that shouldn't matter?

 

Thanks for the help.

[psipro]

I dont think you are overreacting. Personally I would have been scared.

[yellowsnow]

Im only 15 but I would drop her in a second. I mean I would not trust her at all, and I think maybe its not abnormal to have sex before 19 but It is WRONG to do all those people in such little time. If she will do it then she will do it now. I mean 2 guys in 24 hours.? who do you think she was cheating on then. I think you are going to be the victom in the long run, good luck.

[RayKay]

Well, I really think there are some things that one should keep to themselves about their sexual past. I am all for letting the other person know your sexual history in general terms, and making sure you are each clean of disease and so on....but the details of exactly how many, whom, what their penis size was, how they were satisfying/unsatisfying are ALL to keep to yourself. There are some things in my past I am not necessarily proud of, I was young and foolish at one time too...and there are things I do keep to myself, nor do I need to know ALL the details of my partners past sex life either (though if there was cheating I do want to know that so I can make a good decision about whether I want to pursue it or not).

 

However, having said that...I don't think you overreacted at all if she is always going on about this stuff. Those are in the past and should stay there and her bringing them up hints at her own insecurities (trying to make you jealous etc). I would never do that to someone I loved.

 

Another thing you have to consider is that now you know that she has been unfaithful in past that is probably going to affect your trust in her...do you want that?

 

If you break up over this you are not breaking up over things that don't matter as you said. It is important to have shared values..and while her past is her past and you should be able to look past that the fact is she is bringing it up so it is not really in her past at all...she chooses to bring it with her and to make you hear about good her past partners were. Not only that, but the trust issue is a big one too. And more importantly...you need to have mutual respect. Her bringing all this up over and over is not a sign of respect.

 

It is her past and otherwise I would tell you that if you trust her, if you feel she has changed then let it stay in the past. But if she refuses to put it in the past, continues to bring it up and you can't look past it then you should end it or work together on it to get past it, otherwise it will only poison the "good parts" too.

 

Peace.

[yellowsnow]

"history repeats itself"

 

thats why we study it in school, good luck.

[Iceman26]

You made a smart move by dropping this girl. Find someone with some class.

 

As far as what she told you about her past sex life: The past is the past, leave it there. I personally would rather not know the details of a girl's past that I am dating. As long as she gets screened for STD's regularly, thats all I am really concerned with.

[Tina smith]

He sexual past is her business. Her biggest mistake is sharing that part of her life with you. Im not sure if I could get past that either. But people change. Dont always think that past actions predict future actions.

[Cecelius]

There are 2 issues (1) is her past promiscuity/shadiness and (2) the infidelity.

 

On (1) all young people have a filter problem about past activities. Even if you weren't sensitive about it, its still awsomely rude to go into that kind of detail. If its past, it doesn't matter, and if it does matter to her (I mean, she keeps talking about it), why isn't she with one of these guys, or why is she attempting to be in a committed relationship now if that's not really her thing? 7 by age 19 is not a lot, personally, though, but I understand what you are saying about the details that you know. In the end, it sounds like she was young and attention seeking and still seems young now.

 

(2) Infidelity is different. If she's never been faithful to anyone, you have good cause to pay attention. I wouldn't bother judging but I wouldn't get too wrapped up with anyone who has cheated (and by that I think you mean some pretty scandalous stuff, not just a make out at the Dairy Queen) until they prove themselves up and down.

 

But keep in mind what it says about you believing she talked you into getting back together. For one thing, you still have an issue that bothers you but I bet that issue is basically closed in the relationship as far as discussion, and she believes you have absorbed it and "moved past it." Now you sound like you are getting mad 'cause you're with a bad girl who also "made you" be involved with her.

 

All people are able to end whatever pain they have by simply walking away from the relationship. Honestly, people who cheat usually only stop when it catches up to them (ie, they lose something because of it). Arguably you were doing her a service by letting her know her past was too scandalous to be involved with her. But since you went back to it, she can still roll along assuming there are no consequenses for cheating.

[the_bomb]

Thanks for the advice all. I think I see things clearer now.

 

(1) It's not fair for me to keep prentending things are alright when they are not.

 

I must say that she's tried (in her own way) to make things right by saying negative things about exes, but this only makes matters worse because she comes off as a b*tch and I have to think about her with other guys just the same. (On I side note, she knows how many people I have slept with, but I told her nothing about the details - age, names, skill, circumstances etc)

 

 

(2) Even if I could get past this, there is still the issue of infidelity. The only person she's been faithful to is a colleague she dated for 2 months that is in the same department as us, but she mentioned once that if I had made a move on her during this time she would have slept with me. This is starting to cause insecurities and on a whole I don't feel very good being with her.

 

So ... I'll think about this a few more days, but it seems like my mind is starting to be made up.

[johnagent1911]

"history repeats itself"

 

thats why we study it in school, good luck.

 

Well really trends repeat itself and not history...

 

However I just wanted to add that NEVER ask about or share your past sexual history. Nothing good comes from it and it's best left alone. If you want to keep seeing a girl just remember never to ask. I don't even let a girl bring it up because I know it will change the way I see her.

[sweetharmony]

shakespeare said it best: "Study the Past" and "What is Past is Prologue."

there's a reason these statements are listed on two separate statues outside of the National Archives on Pennsylvania Avenue.

[Cecelius]

I agree that how many people your g/f hooked up with, or whatever isn't terribly relevant (though if you have standards and don't want to be with anyone who seems to get intimate cheaply, that's fine too).

 

Cheating is another thing. If you are dating a girl, find out she cheated on a former b/f and didn't tell you? Major red flag.

 

Just about the only thing that you have to go on is that she's been honest with you. Don't bother being insecure (she's not old enough for you to try to figure out what she'll do), it will only pain you. Have a good time and if you are not, dump her immediately.

[pl3asehelp]

Well really trends repeat itself and not history...

 

However I just wanted to add that NEVER ask about or share your past sexual history. Nothing good comes from it and it's best left alone. If you want to keep seeing a girl just remember never to ask. I don't even let a girl bring it up because I know it will change the way I see her.

 

What's so wrong with expecting people to live a life they can be proud of? One that they don't have to hide from people?

[Levity]

Here are my thoughts on the subject from personal experience with a girl very similar to yours. The only difference is she wasn't the cheating type - and I never tried to persue a relationship with her, or sleep with her, though I had the option.

 

 

 

7+ partners at any age in my opinion is HORRIBLE. Unless your extremely unlucky and your husbands/wives all cheated or died. But I'm the reserved type and I don't think sleeping with your girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever is a good idea until your married.

 

Don't worry about the size of her exes, she probably doesn't know the proper way to measure and I'm betting she's just tossing numbers around. Also, this is just conjecture, but I would imagine size would only matter to a girl who has been stretched out by many sexual partners since she might not get as much stimulation....and who really wants that? But, like I said I don't have any experience with that - maybe someone more knowledgeable than I will confirm if it matters that she may have been stretched or not.

 

You aren't being weird,jealous, or strange in any manner whatsoever. However, I do believe you should have asked sooner before you slept with her. If you can't handle the fact that she had other guys, then she isn't for you - and you will never be happy. You did the right thing by leaving her. Also, if your worried she might cheat on you, which she probably will (not like it matters at this point) then she isn't for you.

 

 

Either she is extremely honest, and should be admired for being so truthful, exceptionally stupid to not realize the gravity of what she's done, or so blissfully unaware of morals that the concept of how delicate a relationship is doesn't register period. Probably a mix of all three.

 

 

In any outcome you should probably get yourself looked over for STDS.

 

Also - You should always inquire about a girls past before you decide to date her. That's important - kind of like knowing the history of a used car that you aren't sure was used or not...you'll never know unless you ask...and who knows that used car might not be so used after all - in which case it's a new car and aren't you happy you found out? But it's rather doubtful since your looking on a used car lot to begin with. Ah well, I never said you were intelligent in this example any way. xD

 

My stupid rant notwithstanding, I hope all these posts have helped you in some way - and good luck!

[vcygnus1]

I see the issue with your girl is not her past or anything about what she did. BUT that she was SO insensitive about your feelings! She doesnt care bout you enough to think and that selfish attitude is the true issue not her past. Her telling you this shows a lack of matuatiy and it shows her lack of remorse.

 

Good luck