Nearly 5 years later - still thinking about ex :(

[Mr_LFA]

So it's my ex's (well actually ex ex, first love together 3 & 1/2 years) birthday today and it's been almost five years this December since we broke up. I tried like a mad man for months to 'get her back' but of course none of it worked and just pushed her further away and into her rebound. Of course I've learned an enormous amount about myself and relationships in the time since. We had very very limited contact about 2 years after because my family knows hers and just her texting on my birthday and vice-versa. Just this week I've been having dreams about her again and this time it was 2 nights in a row.

 

I always seem to think her around the time of her birthday and I can't seem to seem to forget it. It's like her birthday is burned in my mind and makes me think about her again, then once that happens I start re-living parts of our relationship etc. Last year around this time I ran into her mum one day and I found out she dumped her 'rebound' bf, and now she's again with someone else, although this was after I sent her a text on her birthday. I know it sounds stupid but when I logged into facebook this morning I had a feeling she'd deleted me a while back and now I'm pretty sure shes blocked me too (but still - years later??). Now I think she might have done me a favour anyway because I have no real intention of contacting her as we're obviously both different people now and I need to respect that she's obviously well moved on + it would be selfish of me.

 

I've been with other girls since including relationships longest being over 1 year, but I haven't felt the same passion or love like I did the first time with this girl. I know it's crazy and I know I should have had complete closure by now but I'm finding it hard to turn off these thoughts right now. I'm 28 now and still wondering if I'll ever feel that passion and love again with someone else.

 

Any comments would be appreciated.

[Perplexingana]

I had started a relationship with a best friend of mine in December 2011. We were best friends for two years before it got romantic. I was also in a relationship with someone else when I met him and it wasn't until two years after we met that I mutually broke up with the guy I was with before him. They both knew each other and were pretty close friends. Anyways, I got together with that guy shortly after my previous relationship had ended after trying to not hurt the previous guys feelings. Well, our romance started I fell in love fast and it was over in 3 months. I had hoped we would of lasted longer but it was too hard of a loss on him to lose his friendship with my ex and it was sort of long distance because he was in school 8 hours away most of the time. We visited each other and everything but he ended up breaking my heart in March 2012. Ever since him I haven't really found anything worth while. We also hardly talk anymore. We are on speaking terms and I guess we are friends in a way but we are not nearly as close as we had been before. I was so in love with him and I still think about it sometimes. Sometimes people come into our lives who we will never be able to completely let go of, he is one of those people in my life. The ex before him is still on really close terms with me, we are still best friends and we hang out often and I am thankful he is in my life too. As far as will I ever feel that way again towards someone else, I know I will. It will just take time but I will find that person who makes my heart flutter just like he did. Sometimes it's just a devastating thing when you love someone so much and it ends but it will only make you stronger and like you said you learn things about yourself. It is okay to think about people who have had importance in your life. This woman made a footprint in your heart that will never go away but you will find someone else and feel it again.

[Mr_LFA]

Sometimes it's just a devastating thing when you love someone so much and it ends but it will only make you stronger and like you said you learn things about yourself. It is okay to think about people who have had importance in your life. This woman made a footprint in your heart that will never go away but you will find someone else and feel it again.

Thanks for sharing Perplexingana.

 

I knew her for 4 years before we got together, then the timing seemed right we started dating and the first 2 years was very intense. Towards the end of our relationship we were living together with a friend of mine but that turned out to be detrimental to our relationship because of conflict arising from living with my friend. What made things worse a couple of months after she left we ended up getting 'back together' for a night but in the morning she didn't really want to know me - I was smashed and heart broken all over again. After that I knew I couldn't be 'friends' especially if she's with someone else - it would be just too painful and counterproductive for me. It's been an interesting few years I've graduated from university, had different jobs, travelled overseas, had awesome experiences but I guess lately I've had a lot of time to think about things, including the past. I am happy and have great friends but I still have that desire to love someone and have it returned again. I have also discovered what it feels like to be a dumper and be 'chased' which has given me insight from both sides. I guess today finding out she blocked me on facebook where I'll be honest and say that it stung a bit but the same time I'm glad as it's for the best that I don't get updates from her etc. I've had a few opportunities to be with other people but I've ended it with basically all of them because I didn't feel that spark or passion after a short time or due to different circumstances. I know it takes time and I'm probably better off being single right now but I hope you're right.

[Perplexingana]

I've had the same issues. He got into a relationship with another girl up at his school and that was upsetting. He even blocked me on Facebook for awhile and everything. It's taken me months to get over him and I. He used to be all I talked about from march until march. It was bad, I had dated a guy for a month and a half but it ended. I was in a relationship with another guy and then a girl but it ended. I've done some things that I regret but all in all it's been a lesson. I know that you and I will both find love like that again. At first when he blocked me I was so angry at him but it was the best thing he could do for both of us. I couldn't see anything he was doing because believe me I was checking. It just forced me to accept it was over. There were a lot of dynamics that messed things up for he and I. Mainly, we lost our friends. I was also going through just being kicked out of my house and trying to get back on my feet, his mom let me stay at his house and I have since been her tenant I pay rent and have a job but for the three months we were together I was holding on to the happiness I had with him so strongly that it probably made him feel more anxiety. I realize that now. Love teaches us things that's why it's so important. I don't want to be single anymore I want that love again too but I have tried to accept it will come when it's time. I do feel though that being single has been good for me. Just keep believing and things will happen.

[Mr_LFA]

It just forced me to accept it was over. Just keep believing and things will happen.

I woke up this morning with a sense of relief. I know it sounds petty but knowing that she blocked me on facebook I think has cut that last remaining small thread of any glimmer of 'hope'. I needed it and I've accepted it. Hell it's been almost 5 years! I know I wouldn't be happy if she came running back again, there's just way too much water under the bridge, and it's a mighty big river and bridge let me tell you. I was dragged around for months, I had no skin left and it just prolonged the pain but I had a choices I was just weak. She had her cake and ate it because I did all the wrong things and let her. She isn't higher than me just because she doesn't want to be with me and I needed to get over that. Just reading this while I'm writing this is refreshing. If she's happy then I can be too.

 

I wonder if anyone else has similar feelings and thoughts years later.

[Mr_LFA]

I still don't understand why she would block me on facebook some years later?

 

any ideas on this?

[AutumnBorn]

Maybe she doesn't want to torment you.

 

You'll love again when you really let go. It doesn't sound like you have. But you can.

[Mr_LFA]

Maybe she doesn't want to torment you.

 

You'll love again when you really let go. It doesn't sound like you have. But you can.

I think you're right - she is doing me a favour.

 

I've been trying to really let go for a long time now. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I know I'm getting close now.

[hopefully]

You're investing too much emotional energy in this dead relationship. You were together for 3 years and you're grieving the loss for 5? You need professional help.

[resilient7]

You're investing too much emotional energy in this dead relationship. You were together for 3 years and you're grieving the loss for 5? You need professional help.

 

I guess that makes two of us, Although I dont romantically want her my ex of 5 years back its more of a "I win" mentality. I dont think theres anything wrong with you still thinking of her that way, it must have been very special to you. It will take some time to find that same intense passion though, Heck, Im still waiting!

[sharky988]

First loves can also be the most flawed -- and for this reason, they don't usually last.

 

You have relationships ahead that will be MUCH more significant. You guys were young and everything seemed more special because you hadn't been through it before with anyone else. But in time, you'll see that there are people out there who are much more compatible and can bring things to your life that far outshine what you had with your old college girlfriend.

 

She probably blocked you on Facebook for privacy. If you're still sending the occasional birthday text, she knows she's still on your mind and it's possible she just doesn't want you peeking into her life on Facebook. Many people block their exes, I recently blocked an old boyfriend from 30 years ago!

 

I think the only reason this old ex seems so great to you is that you just haven't met anyone better yet -- but you WILL. Honest! They're out there.

[Mr_LFA]

Thanks for the replies and I think you're right sharky988, I guess I haven't met anyone better, yet. Yes we were young - she was almost 17 and I was 20 when we first started dating.

 

I am glad she blocked me on facebook. Now there's no temptation at all to 'check' what she's up to and it certainly doesn't matter anymore. It's been a very long time but I'm feeling like I'm 'back again' and looking forward to the future instead of dwelling on memories of the past. I admit I was stuck in fantasy land far too long and her ghost isn't welcome lurking around anymore. The pity party's over!

[Mr_LFA]

I think the only reason this old ex seems so great to you is that you just haven't met anyone better yet -- but you WILL. Honest! They're out there.

Update to this

 

Things have somehow really turned around unexpectedly for me. I've just started seeing someone who hasn't made me feel this way in years, and I'll just say better is an massive understatement and she's absolutely gorgeous to boot!

 

I'm still in shock...I believe you now sharky988...I guess this is what can happen when you truly let go

[micro]

I think the only reason this old ex seems so great to you is that you just haven't met anyone better yet -- but you WILL. Honest! They're out there.

 

This is absolutely true.

I have had difficulties to stop thinking about my ex ex ex for years and to move on.

Once I have met another woman that was MUCH better than her, I moved on.

Relationship with this woman lasted only few months, but it has opened eyes to me.

 

Few months letter I met my current ex who was even more better....

This made me to totally forget my first ex from the post. I even incidentally met her after years of NC, had small talk with her and didn't feel anything.

[healinginnyc81]

I wanna add my experience too, my first gf broke up with me about 8 years ago after dating for almost 3 years. It took me about a year to reach what I felt was the point of letting go and being happy again. My next gf I didn't meet till a year and a half after that breakup and she was a way better match for me. But I know if I didn't have the first experience I wouldn't have been ready to make the most of it. We broke up last year because I moved and she couldn't come with me for a while. No matter what I appreciate the experience and even though I'm just starting to let go, I know I'll soon find a love that's even better for me.

[Mr_LFA]

So to all that are currently going through some very dark days, things WILL get better, it just takes time and patience (and forgiveness)

[Ms Darcy]

Really glad to hear that man.