Normal

[meoww]

Finally I can protect that happiness that is mine. I have devoted all my strength to developing the self control not to be affected by my abuser's voice echoing in my head.

[meoww]

So as a further shield from that I'm not going to even mention my abuser in here or in my thoughts anymore. The only place my abuser is allowed to occupy is when I am working on my abuse awareness project and that's it. Yay I'm ready.

[meoww]

Obsessed with pia Mia's soundcloud, she's just so good. I wish my voice sounded like that!

[meoww]

I can't remember a time when a guy did something special for me on my birthday. Ever. Literally I don't think I have ever had any guy do something special for me on my birthday. Except once when I was 19 my boyfriend made me a handmade card on white computer paper. I still have that card. Somehow I think and hope that's going to be different very soon in my life.

 

I'm writing this with a quiet solitary smile on my face. Just so at peace and almost 80% confident I can keep bringing good things into my life.

[meoww]

I'm finally learning to have boundaries and limits too. And learning how to control feelings of guilt when they aren't necessary. Survivor's guilt over.

 

But scared of getting cocky or comfortable. Any succession of disappointment would bring me to my knees.

[meoww]

Ahh I just cannot believe the level of comfort I have in my life right now. Like I pretty much just have ordinary things elevated to a slightly more aesthetic level depending on you look at it.

 

my list of absolute needs is whittling down. I'm so so so damn content. I have never felt like, well there is not a whole lot I need to change at this exact moment even if things are obviously not perfect and I'm just a work in progress with a very long way to go.

 

Peace washing over me. No verbal abuse polluting my landscape. Being free of that literal prison is omg just a gift I will never stop being grateful for every day.

[meoww]

Like I know it can't be all downhill from here because too many things need to change in my life. But at this moment I love myself very completely and there is so much to enjoy. How could I survive if things didnt end up getting better? It's better if I don't think about that at all.

[meoww]

Sometimes sorry is the worst thing you can say to someone you have really wronged. It doesn't change anything. Apologizing for something you consciously knew was wrong at the time you did it doesn't really mean anything.

[meoww]

Haha in my posts it's like I have rapid cycling bipolar but even more sped up. Thank god I'm not seeing a conventional therapist, my instincts about the majority of them were right. They come in a distribution similar to the general population.

[meoww]

If I learn to like celery and carrots I really will officially consider myself a new woman.

 

I noticed that I'm even beginning to like porters and stouts or whatever.

 

Stalemate. I fact I don't even care if I played my hardest, best game and lost in my old life. I just don't care now!

[meoww]

I feel like a slow roasted pig, but in a really good way. Like when the meat is falling off after cooking for hours and you're like it was definitely worth taking that extra few hours to do it properly.

[meoww]

I think I'm going to start cooking a lot. Just want to now.

[meoww]

I think I'm realizing intelligence or stability is a sexual turn off to me. Maybe a turn off even in friendships too. What is wrong with me? It seems to be that the less I have in common with a guy the more attractive they seem. Well that's a total exaggeration. Or maybe not even. I'll get to know a guy that I'm not that super attracted to, is not compatible with me in many ways, and then I'll try to convince myself that they are good for me or that I have to date them somehow. But if there is a really attractive guy who is also intelligent, or mentally stable they seem totally bland and I feel nothing for them. I have been perpetuating this on some level ever since I started dating. I have overlooked at least 3 decent guys in favor of twisted, weird and creepy relationships that I never desired in the first place.

 

Even though I don't hurt others, I've seriously been a masochist. It's so messed up and has caused a lot of pain in my life for no reason.

 

I pursue friendships with toxic people similarly.

 

I've realized this before, but this time it's much more nuanced. I can stop myself in the act of carrying out those patterns and behaviors. I get obssessed with guys who freak me out a little and sometimes deep down I think I want to save them or help them, somehow. For some weird reason I find that much more comforting that letting my guard down with a guy who I actually like.

 

Ugh I thought I was done with this! I am so done with the cycle of suffering that was created by my parents. I am not like them. I am not someone who seeks pain and suffering and I definitely don't need to function as anyone's therapist or fairy godmother or whatever.

 

Most of the time the people who I try to 'help' in that way, treat me like crap and resent me in all kinds of ed up subconscious ways. I need to just be with people who view me as their equal, don't have weird competitive issues with me, it's really not that hard.

 

I keep seeking out mean people from my past (only in my head these days) hoping they'll change, but time and time again they just don't and even if they make a slight improvement the relationship is tainted.

[meoww]

The common denomenator boils down to me always returning to a toxic situation years later, hoping things will be better and that since I have learned how to stop fueling the fire, the dynamic will sort itself out. But it has to be a two way street and I'm just being so hurtful to myself by keeping myself in that headspace. I thought it would be most fair to give all those people another chance, because I'd like more chances to prove myself in general. But I really think that the large majority of those people somehow just don't want to give up the dysfunctional dynamic for a lot of different reasons. I can't even handle that baggage in my life. I need to just leave it all behind.

 

I think that's what L represents to me. Holding onto half truths, half promises, half fulfillment, with the cold hard reality being much uglier. He isn't going to ever give me closure. He treated me so horribly, it doesn't evem seem real now that I'm well adjusted person. It's hard to believe the kind of things I let my own friends say to me in the past. I was surrounded by tons of people but only kept really resentful people around me. I seriously can't believe I let it slide. It's so awful. No wonder I clung to boyfriends because I didn't trust my friends. I was more alone then, than I ever was in my darkest days. I really had no one and nothing because of all the negativity. That makes me feel like my abuser's clone and then I feel sick. Giving myself a pass to mention that because of the context.

[meoww]

I have to be very honest with myself if I want to get what I really want out of life. I am definitely not going to be sated or more importantly, propped up, animated by the fantasies in my head, instagram filters and witty sayings, basically I need to have a self underneath the ugh, I hate typing this out because it sounds like such a cliche but I'm going to have to because it's true. I think I believe that to be truly happy you really have to be good. To be good you have to be oh the dreaded word, authentic. For example, I know hierarchy is made up. Like completely made up. Ugh but even then it is not clear. Not at all. I can't express what I mean at all.

 

Wow I'm hitting a serious wall.

[meoww]

What I mean is that I used to only live one life. I was very idealistic, but surprisingly narrow minded and wrong about what I thought was good. I was very direct with people and expected people to be the same with me. Now I lead a double life, underneath I am seeking the truth but I know how to create situations that will benefit my ultimate goals but satisfy the petty requiremments set by society about who I am supposed to be. Although I resent being forced to comform because of other people's fear (of what? For god's sake) I do it because of this

 

I know petty rejection

I know petty humilation and it sucks

I know shaming and it sucks

I know what it is like to be powerful, assertive person in a helpless situation

I know what it is like to be targeted by weaker individuals who cannot believe their luck at finding a healthy person in a vulnerable position

 

I can't deal with it. The knowledge that so many ordinary people could be capable of so much banal evil would make me contemplate turning into a cold blooded criminal. And then I know I'd regret putting myself in a position that in retrospect, would be hard to justify.

 

Because you can't eradicate people because they are jerks. Being a bad person has no consequences in this world, not sure about the ultimate consequences.

[meoww]

Something is coming over me. Emotions that are leading me to think, just give it up all ready. Inch by inch I'm giving up all my morals anyway. And then justifying it like it was all part of this amazing destiny. Another emotion leading me to think, maybe that's not quite it. If I believe in the 'standard' way of thinking, then I can sink deliriously into that rhythm and give up my tortured soul. What a welcome relief that would be.

 

Pain then, would become something to cover up very, very discreetly. A cancer diagnosis, a chance to prove my strength. A opportunity to be celebrated for (what? I'd suddenly be quite the saint) Everyday a opportunity to show others what I have, to impress in some way. I could participate in the hazing and ostracizing of people who don't want to participate in this process, assume righteously that, the reason is that they are not good enough or do not see the light.

 

I could be a satellite revolving around a moon, that orbits a much larger star.

I am one now too, but I feel somewhat more supernatural...like an aberration.

 

But no matter how wrong it may all be I would have the comfort and coolness of ignorance. Ignorance is so glamorous and ordinary at the same time. It is so sterile and clean and lacks the messiness of earnestness.

[meoww]

Isn't that point of being civilized? That most of the time, it's better to take a tree and turn it into a boat or a house or something? Leaving something in its supposed natural state is no achievement or something to be proud of. So why do I feel so tortured by the prospect that maybe I really am just wrong about literally everything. Every molecule of my natural being is wrong. That the last part of my brain that has yet to undergo the cleaning process. I should have just given in from the very beginning. I'm just going to try giving in for a while. Can't I give it all up without resistance? Be gracious about my failures and let whoever wants to remark upon them do so with whatever means they choose? It will happen anyway. Interpretations, even people I will never see again, will be forgotten folk lore. It will like a version of an old folk tale no one cares about but existed in many forms in some medieval village. So leave the village. Be completely modern, don't be creative...that is absolutely the enemy of

 

Wow i get the hitler thing so much more now. I get the appeal of facism. I'm too weak. No I'm not weak, I am just a fool who let's her personal demons cloud the beauty of the civilized perspective. Normative.

 

Don't try to call a circle a square.

That only creates ugliness, or literally accomplishes nothing

You won't be building any houses with that

Yet people with sticks without a thought in their head will build everything from treehouses to palaces

I get that.

I really do

Not only do I surrender and admit I was wrong amd also stupid. I don't care. I just want to feel comfortable.

[meoww]

Having one big problem makes me interpret everything else differently. So i just have to overcome that. I think I can do it. I'm ready.

 

Just as a general guideline I need to write down that I'm generally done with things like this for a while I build myself up:

 

1. Giving people too many chances

2. Creating an unhealthy give and take with anyone

3. Establishing intimacy within myself/ with others through disclosing and sharing negative experiences

4. Awkwardly phrasing sentences because I'm too lazy to figure out how to be a better speaker/communicator/writer lol I swear I'll start this today

5. Overthinking/ Not thought stopping when necessary

6. Not giving my brain an intellectual outlet (If I had a better one I think I would feel less mixed up and better at moderating my behaviors and thoughts depending on the situation)

7. Not handling criticism well by being too hard on myself instead of trying to see the silver lining

8. Making excuses for myself

9. Worrying that I'm like my abuser

10. Giving into fear

11. Focusing too much on my mental state.

12. Not paying attention to the world and people around me.

13. Judging instead of reacting, perceiving, etc

 

I think that is a pretty good list of things to stop doing and will be managable for now. Instead of feeling exhausted, I feel a sense of determination and a bit of confidence that I'm doing the right thing.

[meoww]

Self control isn't about not feeling bad urges, it is about not acting on them, oooo I get it now. I was so naive that I didn't know that I have depraved urges instead me too. For me personally, I think being a good person will be easier knowing I am like this terrible animal inside sometimes. There are certain things you just can't do as a person that you can never come back from. That makes it easier.

 

Before I kind of used to think, well, since I'm not a violent person and I'm a good person, then I should obviously act on my every urge right? And in doing so I realized in part that getting what you want all the time can get boring in a way. I also learned how unsatisfying it can be to go against the grain, because for me, it was quite stressful being judged for no reason at all. I did not consider myself a free spirit, yet some people who would put that label on me were extremely judgemental in a very negative sense. I still don't get it but I privately feel like, a lot of people enjoy watching other people lose control of their lives. They really enjoy having a scapegoat, especially if it is someone that normally wouldn't be one. So in their eyes they build up this fantasy, and annoyingly sometimes I play along with their fantasies, which makes them think they are right. It is unbelievably frustrating.

 

What a strange, strange situation.

 

I had never felt so disappointed by people in my entire life. I didn't think it could get any worse.

[meoww]

By far the most frustrating thing about dysfunctional people is that they stonewall you if you try to reason with them. And they persist in their dysfunction and continue to find ways to perpetuate drama. It's like they don't get that they are in this bubble, even if means that they are not fully happy in their lives. My mother is a magnet for that in her life. Being around her means being surrounded by people like that. In the moment it seemed like, so overpowering that I completely forgot what it was like to be a normal person. Out of the bubble it is like such a breath of fresh and comfort.

 

Like, that boiling cauldron of hell really is just in her community and not all that the world is. Good bye hell.

 

SERIOUSLY I need to let go. I need to let go of the hell, and those people. Every single one of them I see their humanity and goodness and I am tormented by it because they chose to show me their worst sides yet somehow I was blamed for it. Just like L. I am sooooo close. What am I missing?? I feel tortured and so humiliated that I just can't let go.

[meoww]

I hadn't thought about him in months. I feel totally disconnected from him.

I start to feel this overwhelming irritation at his belittling comments echoing in my head.

 

It's all connected. I need to overcome this. It is healthier for me to focus on the hurtful things he and others did than to try to put a band aid on it all if they haven't changed enough. Even if they have, it is one thing to be a victim and another to be a perpetrator. Most perpetrators either feel shame deep, deep down, retain a sense of mild distaste toward their victims, or never really process the severity of their actions.

 

Therefore I need to have a clean slate. I deserve that. That way everybody ends up happy including me.

[meoww]

You are not all bad. I forgive you. I don't care about how you live your life, personally. But I want to be left alone. I don't want a connection with you for a very long time. Someday I'll be happy and well supported in my life and maybe then your humanity won't leave me feeling vulnerable and frustrated. Yet perhaps it'll be worse having you come to me in retrospect, either congratulating me or apologizing for being so judgemental and cold. That will literally mean nothing to me because I asked on many occasions for you to reserve your judgment and see me instead of what you choose or seem to want to see. You do that willfully and knowingly, and then in the future you plan to sweep it all under the rug with a few kind words? I just feel numb and paralyzed.

 

There is no resolution in that? Only a sickening feeling that I can't any words to.

 

So that's the real reason I need to move on. There is only the sickening cycle, the blame and accusations being flung around. If I disengage, I can just focus on normal things

 

That is so much better, so much more normal, fun and healthy and that is what I want!

[meoww]

Think I'm going to retire my meoww account. I accomplished what I wanted. I've shed my skin.

[meoww]

K so it's only been 2.5 months since my 'retirement.' But I have to say I took a much needed haitus. In the space of a few months so much has changed again. Within the last few days, even. Forgiveness is creeping up on me. It's not a warm and fuzzy feeling, it's not even really a feeling or an emotion. I reached a point where I saw some of the people I resented eventually make huge, conspicuous errors of judgment. Then suddendly, I realized I wasn't wrong. It made it a lot easier to stop resenting them entirely. My idealism has shattered. I had to to change the way I look at everything to be able to cope with just life in general. More stuff happened too. Like going places mentally I was really afraid to go to. For example, I wrote down what it would be like if I gave into all my abuser's verbal abuse, and just agreed with everything she said. Sometimes I know abused people think that their abuser's criticisms and verbal assaults contain a grain of truth. But when I put all of the horrible things she says to people I have never even met for example, I realized I wasted a lot of time feeling confused, guilty, and ashamed. The whole picture of me in my abuser's head is so distorted that it has become cartoonish. Either way, a really big realization is that I have such bigger fish to fry. I don't care if a few people in the world on some random corner of the planet have some toxic opinions of me. Sometimes as a victim, you just get so caught up in the insignificant drama, believing that you would rather die a martyr than give an inch to some awful bully. I don't know why I changed.

 

I just don't care anymore...does that count as forgiveness?

 

Sometimes you get a big break whem you are least explecting it. I've gotten so many lately.

 

Haven't cried much.

Haven't felt much of anything either.