Normal

[meoww]

you know how you can miss the point when you feel like you are supposed to be feeling some kind of theatrical amount of inspiration, awe and respect for all the higher ways of functioning, perceiving, producing. I've seen it in my generation so much since we often strive so hard to embody every possible ideal in the most crystallized and sincere form possible. It's not surprising then that we often fail, especially fail to inspire respect and admiration in others. In our world it doesn't really exist anyway, I just realized that. It's kind of an outdated way of relating to people. In it's worst form I think it's blind worship of people who are in the end, just human like everybody else.

 

It's nice to be able to reopen my mind with logic on my side this time, without me making things unnecessarily complicated for no reason. Seriously seriously seriously why was I so dumb, I basically used to insist on being wrong. I guess it's not necessarily all my fault. For example, it's like literature, brand names, politics, the idea of geniuses, luxury, quality, art, anything considered higher. I used to be like well I don't trust my own beliefs so there must be something I'm missing, and I tried to imagine what it would be like if I understood.

 

It's funny how when I was just like, well, I guess I give up, I just don't understand, suddenly I realized how stupid I was, basically stupider than anyone I have literally ever met. Honestly I think I get the world award for being able to take my earnestness and wanting to learn and somehow turn it into an isolating and painful experience. Oh yay.

 

Sincerity was at the forefront of all my desires. At least I thought

 

Looking outside myself, at myself, then is it soooo obvious

 

That I was just really talking about myself, my unmet needs, my need to be heard, rather than really desiring a "more sympathetic world"

 

Because when I dashed all my hopes and decided not to trust anyone,

 

I realized I don't need all this feel good . So what if everyone sucks? Maybe they don't. Maybe they do. If I don't think about it, the question and the desire for a kinder, gentler world seems completely damn irrelevant.

[meoww]

The world is like a snow globe, I have to recognize its boundaries.

[meoww]

Haha a great analogy for my life is that I'm like a mime pretending to be trapped in a box.

[meoww]

This week I've been back in contact with a very self-absorbed and difficult friend that I distanced myself from a year ago. I wanted to be there for her because she's going through a break up. Basically, I was mostly in contact with her out of a sense of obligation. After we discussed her break up she started going off about old friends from a million years ago and inevitably the conversation turns to how she feels boring, undesirable, she used to feel and be so pretty but now she doesn't feel like she is bla bla bla. I have heard this too many times to count. She honestly never changes and like my mother, I'm always wishing that she could just snap out of it. I knew I had to find a way to distance myself from her so finally I did a year ago. That was one of the best things I ever did, dealing with my mother finally got a lot easier when I cut her off for some reason. So I thought, what's the harm in being kind to her for a little bit, we have a history and it's been so long. This past week has made me realize how far I have come.

 

I don't want to sound like I think I'm some kind of superhero but I felt way too responsible for her at times. She's one of those people who self destructs and resents the people who give her advice. It's like, don't tell me then! Don't tell me about all the ways you're hurting yourself and then expect me to agree with everything you say. She is extremely defensive and every 3rd word I say has to be like, "if I'm misunderstanding you just let me know so that you won't be upset." That's not a friendship at all.

 

So I had to find a way to get out of the conversation without getting angry or being confrontational. I thought about telling her the truth but the problem is that she doesn't respect me. Since she doesn't respect me, she'll be easily angered and I don't want to leave things on that note.

 

It took a lot of self control to finally be like, well wifey I'm going through a hard time right now too and I need to leave my past behind. I'm doing my best for you but I can't talk about this anymore.

 

I felt like I gave her a few days to lean on me, but seeing how she just spiraled further and further into her selfish ways was a wake up call for me...there was just nothing in it for me. The whole time it was so weird because I have to change myself completely to have patience and empathy to submit to her needs and forgo the fact that I exist basically.

 

Yay!!! My guilt used have a death grip on me.

 

It was so liberating to get myself out of the situation by deescalating it. Even though I felt like I had to compromise and sacrifice, it wasn't worth burning bridges.

[meoww]

One of the most confusing parts of our convos was when this friend suddenly switched gears from sounding bitter or upset about her old friends to being nostalgic and being all inspired by the past. I think it was because I was like, "As an adult, I haven't have seen that light hearted side of you as much as I wish I had." I think she had this moment where she realized that I'm enjoying my life whereas she has been really consistently down all the time.

 

To be honest, from like a medical or clinical perspective I should just recognize that she has untreated depression, and that the worse she gets the more inward, distorted and self absorbed she becomes. So I don't really judge her for how her thinking has become compromised.

 

What bothers me is her total lack of agency. I wish she would just do something, anything but stay where she is. K that's right, I have to keep moving forward. Personally I really am glad not to allow those kind of relationships in my life anymore.

[meoww]

Tfw when you read your old journal entries and disagree with or can't relate to a lot what you've written. I never thought this would happen! I hope I'm doing the right thing and not being too extreme but I think it's that time again...time for a new journal.