Normal

[meoww]

I don't really know what to say in here when I don't have some major problem or issue I'm dealing with. It's like what is my head supposed to be filled with if I'm not being forced to think about my abuser all the time? What do normal people spend their time thinking about? Lol it's kind of awesome. Lately, since i havent needed much catharsis or therapy time, like I could even just think about dinner or food or something without feeling all guilty that I'm an evil shallow person like my abuser would always say if my attention wasn't focused on her. I really don't even know...it's like I suddenly have all this extra time. To actually have a life, a real life!

[meoww]

I'm suspicious of mothers who seek validation from others about being good people because they believe they have 'troubled' children. Especially when there is some kind of convoluted explanation for the child's issues that doesn't quite add up. It really reminds me of my situation, where my abuser would enlist other people in my abuse by withholding the truth and distorting situations to humiliate me, assauge her guilt, control me, and undermine my credibility. When I was so deeply hurt and angry at being victimized and targeted, it was definitely not easy to stay cool.

 

In public, it would have been hard to detect her concern as contempt unless you looked for the signs, which were all there very clearly. She often sought advice about my 'problems' as well. She even started cooking for people she believed to be my allies. The level of obsession on her part was overwhelming.

 

Validation seekers are not introspective, or hiding something. As a general rule.

 

Those people are especially frustrating because they use people's regard and support like shields to avoid their issues.

 

But I have to stop getting emotional about it. Being confrontational only relieves my tension in the moment, it offers no long term solution and doesn't build character. So that was a fail on my part...

[meoww]

Ugh triggers suck. I think I'm going stop answering questions about mothers for a while. I could barely type the word itself, it made me so uncomfortable. I did mean what I said about validation seekers though and using advice as a shield to justify your actions.

 

Met a boy. But I haven't returned his call because I am not ready to get all worried about the timing and how to represent myself and then feeling like I messed up. It's just eh. I still have a little time to think about responding without seeming weird.

[meoww]

Lol now I feel like an ass. I definitely did not read that right. Ugh that's frustrating too.

[meoww]

Actually I got something out of my mistake though...I obviously dont know her or her situation. But in a hypothetical situation where someone feels out of control, they need to be taught that they aren't broken, and it's not like once they fix this broken part of themselves everything is manageable. It's too often that I see people who struggle with low self esteem and low productivity talking about how they need to change. It's just not a good angle to approach problems from. Things are in a perpual state of change, and people need to be making choices every day to affirm themselves.

 

But I still feel uncomfortable with that thread because the replies were so hands off. Like she's 24, she'll figure it out. And then I imagine her daughter getting on the site in 20 years and being like, oh these were my family problems, and then people giving their sympathy when it's way too late in the game. There are people of all ages with all kinds of problems on this site. Just because someone is an adult doesn't mean their problems will just take care of themselves. We have even had like presidents with visible emotional disturbances but as long as they have power we don't talk about them. It's so creepy! I should just shut up though because the meta talk is definitely too deep for most people. They'll get all freaked out for some weird reason. It's like uhhh its no big deal as long as we address things directly.

 

I really don't want to spiral into self righteous paranoia though.

 

I just don't believe that we magically develop free will in our twenties without any effort or guidance though.

[meoww]

What's up with this growing up narrative too? The one that goes, oh I used to be so selfish but now I reached such and such age and I'm no longer that way. I just don't see that reflecting the reality of things. For so many reasons. Some people are unselfish kids but grow up to be selfish adults. Some are the other way around. Some people change depending on their circumstances. It's just such a weird rite of passage. It's definitely not fair to those who are not innately drawn to the caricature of youth culture. Can't we just stop viewing things this way and teach our kids not be that way? Moot point I hope because I think younger generations don't view in this anyway.

[meoww]

Still haven't watched my Despicable Me rental.

 

Watching that cheesy Great Gatsby movie is making me think. A lot actually. Are you who you were born as no matter how hard you try to escape? I kind of liked the gaudy way it was filmed. It made me see the book in a totally different light. It is much more straightforward of a story than I realized. Like about what really makes people happy. Gatsby is lucky he died because I don't know what he would do if he actually got his way. He'd be a ruined man. He really seemed insane in the movie and I never felt that way before. I also think the eyes of tj ecklesberg or whatever just mean that god is watching no matter what you do. The truth exists whether you like it or not. I'm sick of movies where all the main characters kind of suck.

 

I want more destruction. I want to dismantle the way I see everything. I've been doing it constantly but sometimes I don't know who I want to be or who I should be. The way I touch things. The way I carry myself. The thoughts in my head.

 

I still want to work harder to do the opposite of what my impulses tell me to do. If I can do that then maybe I really can get rid of what makes me feel related to her. Like even from like lol a epigenetic perspective I'll really be a new person. Or would I just be wearing a costume? No matter how good I get at pretending?

 

Like are some people just never the real deal?

[meoww]

This is interesting, now that I'm more 'mature' I kind of agree! The article is about the shortcomings of the book.

 

link removed

[meoww]

In a book it is pretty much acceptable to create any world you want, but in real life too much of that can lead to disastrous consequences. It's weird because reality is a collective achievement. It's almost an impossible feat.

 

It's interesting how I don't like paranoid or moralizing writers that much anymore now that I snapped out of my mother's hateful perspective on the world. The great gatsby is one of those books that reminds me of the way she see things. People not fully fleshed out, caricatures of themselves, little details inflated to the point that it seems like a fun house mirror. I am changing!

[meoww]

Haha this is funny. I just read the comments section and of course I'm having second thoughts. I really form judgments and convictions way too quickly. I need to stop! I think I have an idea of how I feel.

[meoww]

I think it's working...taking my focus away from the people in my life I harbor hatred and all kinds of other negative emotions toward and really trying to just stop thinking about it. It's like every day things get just a little big better but when I look back it's like unbelievable that I'm so far away from my past.

 

I want to do more. I don't want to check people's IG to make sure they haven't changed for the better or any of that. I want to be fully in my own life. I don't need to protect myself against mooches or falling behind. The world moves a lot more slowly than I realized. I don't have to be so paranoid all the time. I know enough now to create a life for myself that finally meets my personal needs.

 

I don't know why I care...about literally everyone. I'm such a voyeur. It really showed me though that sometimes there aren't that many surprises.

 

It's really stressing me out though!

 

I don't like feeling like scattered all over the place. Like I should, ideally be everything to everyone.

 

I don't know why I can't just let go

[meoww]

That's the thing, I haven't let go. I have been in denial for years. Cool. Not really. I have to let go of everyone and stop wanting people's validation. I don't need everyone in the world to be like "oh I'm so sorry I used to think I was so much better than you." I'm sorry you were right about a lot of things. And hey, we're cool. Or just even, I'm glad you're doing well. None of that is necessary. I don't know what my problem is and why I lack mental self control in this.

 

Part of me is still playing a game

I don't even know if it is a game I can technically win.

 

I want to break my ties with people who either remind me of painful things or are just not good to me. Just because I'm not contacting them doesn't mean I don't still have that connection to them. I'm soooo dumb for thinking my silence would be fine even though I still stalk them lol. Just in case someone is reading this. No these people are not guys.

 

It's like I'm waiting for my competitive instinct to kick in but it's just not.

I don't know why we just don't mesh well

It's been years and they are not turning into people I want to compete with or interact with? Why not? I don't understand why it's not working that way. I thought by now it would be like that. I feel freaked out being so honest on here. So scared like I'm being so taboo.

 

Anyway that's why I don't want to play games in my own head anymore.

I have to just leave it in the past. Ahhhh I really hope I have the willpower. I just get so curious and liks I said, quite competitive, paranoid that they've finally figured it out but then they never have...at least from my perspective. I just feel like the second I give up is the second that's going to happen. Fml.

[meoww]

K I have to figure out something. Is there a way I can just leave loose ends like that? Just be like, well, that was weird. It must be toxic since I can't let go. They are not even my friends, just ghosts of the past for me, even if they are real people and strangers now.

 

Like part of me is like? Is it my fault? If I felt on top of the world would I care if people sometimes took things from me that they liked and incorporated it into their own identity without acknowledging me for it? Would I care if we had grown together? And influenced each other? I don't know where to take responsibility.

 

I don't like being blamed on some level, for not being able to react to being abused in a way that garnered a lot of sympathy for me. I didn't know the victim card could be played with charisma if I would have been brave enough. If I wouldn't have hid my situation in shame. I mean I get, totally get, why people are afraid and disgusted by victims. Victims have been broken and are weak and not exactly positive people. All I had to do was play my cards right but I did everything completely wrong. But of course people say society is complacent and allows evil to do it's work by turning the other cheek.

 

But I know that taking responsibility for my actions helped me get over my PTSD

Helped me see things in a completely new light

 

No matter how unfair life had been to me, wasn't it my responsibility to even figure out that I had the power to overcome my terrible situation?

 

But I still know that they were only like 60% of what I needed

But I mean no one is my emotional confidante now

No one

I don't expect intimacy from anyone

I'd be friends with anyone

And yet, they are so much pickier than I am

But for some reason things went down in a way that makes me look worse

Lol

It's so horrible

 

I think I'm untangling it though

A little bit

So I guess I need a little more catharsis

[meoww]

I just don't get it. The decisions they make. The places they don't go. The friends they don't have. The experiences they don't seek. The passion they don't have. The love they don't make. That alone would just be unbearable to me.

 

But they have something on me. The wholeness, the paradigm, the consistency, that I lack. The old friendships. They fit perfectly into some kind of mold...eventually I assume, 4 or 5 years from now they'll improve a little bit, just do exactly what expected of them. Why I can't I do that? At least you know, just when I feel the need to get back to my roots or whatever

[meoww]

Omg.......,..,,,,,,

[meoww]

Maybe I should just reach out to those girls

Wow I never even thought that would be an option.

 

But I still don't want to show myself yet

I have to be secure in my life first

So that I can deal with whatever happens.

 

That's nice

I can leave it at that

 

No burning bridges

Just going to wait a few years and see how it goes.

But my stupid brain cannot obsess!! I need to just not do that.

 

Hey and another thing. If they don't contact me, then I don't really have to worry either way. It's not like it's all on me to get in contact. That is so true.

[meoww]

I just feel like unless everything is all peachy I'm not good enough of a person. Like that I don't deserve to be going to heaven if I am the type of person who can both dump old friends and not take responsibility for how I contributed to the demise of those friendships. But then I'm like okay that's insane. Plus they don't even care. But I'm like what if it is true? What if I am a ty person because of it?

 

That's why the child abuse angle complicates things soooo damn much. It just put a strain on everyone involved. On me and on my friends. That's why I don't think it's far to just excuse abusers for acting out, even if they hold the title of mother. It's just too destructive to condone.

 

I'll never know who they are separate from that. To me they will be the judas, the people who watch auschwitz burn, and everything else, worse yet patting themselves on the back for a beach clean up on the weekend. I can't seem to separate that from the impossible situation we were in and just forgive.

 

But writing that helped me forgive more than I have in the past. I feel a lot better.

[meoww]

I don't know how to be an advocate for child abuse without stirring the pot. I just want victims to get the exposure they deserve. But I'm too embarrassed I guess, to really fight for it. It is so different from publicly fighting for other causes. It's one of the hardest things. So inside I just feel disgusted with people who allow it to happen and blame the victims. There is no need to rub salt on their wounds. I don't know why people get so self righteous on this issue when they are so ignorant on it.

 

How do I cope?

 

I'm just not doing a good enough job of it.

 

I'm happy when I push it out of my mind but I know it's not enough. I just don't want to be the one to break through. I'm just not strong enough...who would be strong enough to be shunned by other people? To be on the receiving end of the hateful vitriol people often spew. Would I rather alienate people from my past in order to move on completely?

[meoww]

Another thing, you can't tell a person who is abusive in their private life that you've been abused in your past. You can't tell a person who represses or hasn't processed their own abuse that you overcame yours. They get so weird...I think the problem is that in certain socioeconomic circles outright abuse is prevalent and normalized.

 

And by contrast in 'normal' society, where obvious abuse is not as prevalent, there are tons of people who are just not that great. So it doesn't make a difference to some of those people that in your situation the line was crossed so far into criminal, and almost surreal territory. I mean I was a prisoner, peeing into plastic bottles and one of my evil, seriously evil, exes hardly flinched when he found that out eventually. How could I ever look at his face ever again? How am I supposed to get over this??

 

I just don't know what to do. I don't know how much longer I can just push it out of my mind and only talk about it in here.

 

How am I supposed to cope knowing how cruel people really are? How would anybody be happy knowing that? I don't know who I trust enough to give me insight into this. I've never met anyone I honestly trust.

[meoww]

I think I keep forgetting that no matter how hard it has been for me, I need to live life as though there are no exceptions for me. Once I truly know I have achieved that, I'm free to discuss my past and be as candid as I want. As long as my past as abused child and adult isn't keeping me from being who I really am I can be open and tell people the truth.

 

Otherwise, people are just going to say it's an excuse for being unhappy, lazy, unsuccessful, uncharismatic, pretty much any flaw I have. I just have be at that point in my life from this point forward I can never forget that. If I'm happy and fulfilled and truly fulfilling my 'destiny' or whatever I don't have to hide my past or care about the cruel people who might minimize my situation.

[meoww]

Cool I love how people act like as long as no one sees, it didnt happen. Like in the cheating thread I replied to, where people were all judging the other woman for wanting to warn the soon to be wife, like don't ruin this lady's wedding because you're being vindictive. Are they insane??

 

If the couple eventually breaks up due to the cheating she's going to regret the wedding, the honeymoon, the wedding shower, it's all going to seem like a ridiculous farce, not to mention how it will impact her family, career, and finances. And maybe it all could be avoided if the other woman could make it clear how much of a scum bag the groom is. Ugggh It's not the other woman's fault that the groom chose to cheat. I wish people would acknowledge how destructive it is to stand by and let a cheater ruin someone's life.

 

The wife isn't going to be like looking back thinking, thank god no one told me. Or like oh that was the best day of my life, marrying that cheating lying scum.

[meoww]

Not to mention, that is exactly what the cheater is counting on. He is counting on the other woman to remain silent. And then he gets exactly what he planned. He may be miserable deep down but he is still a bully using intimidation and social mores to control his victims. That's just not right.

 

I think it takes a lot more courage and integrity to bring the truth out. I really do. Even though I didn't do it for myself when I was in that situation.

[meoww]

People act like being with cheaters is like eating fast food. Like it's always been clear that they were unhealthy. But that doesn't mean there aren't ignorant or 'poor' people who don't really know any better or get addicted to it. It's cruel to give up on the victims of cheaters so easily and act like they should be able to fend for themselves.

 

I think it's partly because people have this picture in their heads of some belligerent scorned other woman creating a scene in front of a respectable couple that just has a few 'issues' they need to work out or something. But it doesn't have to be that way at all. I wish we would stop giving the control to the cheaters because it's more convenient and 'respectable.' They really to be exposed. Victim blaming is so insidious.

[meoww]

I used a lot of quotations in that last post lol. I do that when I'm getting upset.

 

There are a lot of foods I love that I forget about. Like perogies or deviled eggs. I want to make a list of them so that I can reference it when I am craving a little treat.

[meoww]

It's really hard to decide what problems you want to work through and what problems you want to let slide, move on from or just let go. I'm always at war with myself on that.

 

Sometimes I'm all out honesty, guns blazing. Sometimes I just don't care about anything other than my own happiness and comfort. Sometimes I step back and see things through other people's eyes. Then I see how sometimes they can let things that seem atrocious to me slide. So then I don't know if I should trust myself or not, if I'm the one who is missing the big picture.

 

I think I'm just going to go with it. It's unsettling to have to stand on your own sometimes. I don't want to do it for a sense of morality, but wholly for the sake of inner peace.