Normal

[meoww]

In all this and trying figure out how to deal with my feelings about L by replying to other people's stories, like tonight when lavenderdove said something about how it's not possible to have a special connection with a cheater, that was very helpful to me. I thought, even now I've believed that L and I had some kind of special connection. I want to believe in special connections. But there is no proof at all that the narrative in my head is what is in his head at all. It's strange writing this all out considering how much I'm not attracted to him in any way whatsoever, but I still thought maybe I had some kind of special significance to him. But amazingly

[meoww]

I kind of just don't care. I don't care what the truth about his cheating is anymore. I don't care if he never thinks about me or still pining away. I haven't really been able to say that. In our story, he is nothing to me and it's just seems like a waste of time thinking about any of it, even if my intention was to educate myself on the habits of cheaters for future reference. I don't care if he's a loser or not.

 

God please let this be the end of it all. Of everything. Every stupid little obsession that makes me hate myself and other people. I don't care anymore,

[meoww]

My hair is getting long again. I think I won't mess with it for a while.

I'm going to be really busy this weekend.

I want to go on a little hike on Sunday if I have time, I haven't for so long.

I guess that's it for now.

[meoww]

Got a facial, bought some goodies for the home like tea and cheese, some extra Vicodin I had lying around and I'm set for life. That's definitely not a usual thing for me! But it did help me relax a lot lol.

[meoww]

Sometimes I worry that holding anger will make me ugly. So I try to think positive thoughts about people who have wronged me or hurt me very badly or something but inevitably, the second I start thinking about them my soul just turns to mush. Like rotten. But stress is bad for your health. Ugh it's just terrible. I think the best I can hope for is not a resolution because mentally, I just can't forgive certain things. The best I can do is wish those people well deep in my honest heart but just not think about them in a real way. Like hypothetically, I love all people but it's not totally true when it comes down to having to deal with them actually being in my life.

 

It's really strange, our minds bend in so many flexible ways but I just can't do certain things.

[meoww]

I am so neurotic and superstitious for thinking that though. I mean, i bet I'm going to regret saying all this stuff in these journals. I have used these journals to just get all the weird stuff out of my head so I can get acceptable, moral, and normal thoughts in my head. It's definitely working but it's still kind of humiliating. Like shouldn't I just not say this stuff at all, anywhere? I'm not sure...

[meoww]

This week has been so weird. I just find myself wanting to get 'high' basically. I just want to tune out my stress. Sometimes even just a drink can really take the edge off. Sometimes it's as simple as that. Now I can sit in my room alone have a drink if I want. Maybe I used to think that was lame or something...but I think this could be good for me. Planning to take another of my leftover vicodins tonight, listen to music, or just sit outside and look at the stars or something...so relaxing.

[meoww]

I used to be so optimistic and so in love with the world before I healed from my abuse. I miss that. I know it was kind of just like a fantasy but I was so positive in a way.

 

It's so weird, I'm a much better person now, I have real integrity and real compassion for people now. But something's missing. I wish I could get that part of myself back...

 

Part of me is still dead and I really don't know if I can ever get that back. I just get so sad thinking about it. Like I'd rather still have full blown PTSD, toxic friends, be pretty much unself aware, and seeking relationships with men that grossed me out if I could have that part of myself back.

[meoww]

I guess I haven't thought very deeply about what exactly it was that I felt I lost that horrible year and a half or so (I honestly haven't even thought about the timeline because it's too much for me) where I was locked up in that house by thay sadistic monster. What changed in me after that?

[meoww]

She only left me when I basically performed an exorcism on the house, and suddenly, it was purified. I barely remember this too, but it was an evening. I ended it in the living room, calling out loudly for it finally stop. And the house seemed to weep and groan, shoulders in a deep slump, from years of hardship and humiliation. I gave all my love to that house and promised that I would restore its reputation too, along with every piece of furniture and every little girl I had been who had suffered at the hands of those people. Then there was this sudden internal blast, like a bomb had exploded inside me and in the world at the same time, or like an invisible flash and it purified everything. I never felt afraid like I used to in that house again. It was just a old ruin, like a old field where a bloody battle had been fought many years ago.

 

It's impossible not to feel the bad things happened in there. As much as I purified it and changed it, the oppression still hangs in the air. Because the people who lived that house were just so incredibly undeserving of life. Even the house wished to burn down and be purified, returned to the earth for a better purpose.

 

At that point I was fragmented. There were so many different mes. Me as a child, screaming for help, begging for someone to take care of me. I sobbed over and over again realizing I had left that girl behind in that house. There were so many things that I literally cannot remember. All I knew was that I left her behind and I didn't rescue her and that abandonment was something she couldn't get past. So she haunted me when I returned to that house, and no matter how much love and compassion I show her, that child I used to be can't forgive me for not helping her get away from them. I stopped thinking about for so long but it's like she still lives in me.

[meoww]

Oh my god I know where it comes from lol. It comes from Beauty and the Beast. Hahaha that's hilarious. That seriously has to be where I got that feeling that the house could talk and that all the inanimate objects had a life of their own and was kind of a community in itself.

[meoww]

What I lost:

 

That's such a faded memory now...I used to be a paradox, I was so open with so many of my emotions but I couldn't communicate the truth of my abuse. I used to make myself look so bad just saying the wrong things. I used get so angry about things that were completely beyond my control.

 

But that was beautiful. I was so aware of my innocence on the surface even if I carried secret ambivalence that somehow I had to be blame for my abuse. I was like a wild horse. I miss that sooooooo much.

 

Now I'm this domesticated little animal. Like a ing poodle.

[meoww]

I really feel like a mini poodle now. One of those ugly urban creatures that is only cute because everyone says they are. I'm pampered and well behaved. This is only acceptable to me some of the time. I can't believe the fuss some people make about wanting everyone in the world to be one of these breeds. It just doesn't make any sense from even a logical perspective.

 

I thought I could learn to feel differently about this.

 

This is not my natural instinct.

 

It's time to free myself.

[meoww]

It's so weird how thoughts are generated at the same time you decide to produce them. Like how can you know what you are going to say before you say it? When you think about it, it's seriously so mind blowing. Like I can't even figure out how to say what I'm trying to say. Like the thought doesn't exist before you make it, but then somehow you know how to put a form to unexpressed, non verbal just like emotion or state of mind that literally doesn't have any way of communicating to you in language how it wants to be expressed.

 

And in a diff situation you honestly don't know what you're going to say before you do a lot of the time and yet somehow there is all this stuff going on and these words and syntax and imagery being produced in a blink of an eye. It's seriously just so strange, that you can just make stuff come out of you just by teaching yourself how to read and write.

[meoww]

There are goals that you have when you are naive and not well formed, that are simpler to execute than the goals you should set for yourself when you are better formed.

 

I think that is part of the worship of youth. Obviously I guess.

 

What is a person supposed to do when they have reached adulthood never having achieved their naive goals? Then how can they move onto the next phase of goal making when they have never felt naive clarity. As a victim of brainwashing by abuse in my youth I wonder this.

[meoww]

Direction, timing, making decisions. All concepts foreign to me. If I was a politician, well, actually I'd get done never mind. Just because I'm ambivalent about those concepts doesn't mean that I don't have concrete opinions about real world stuff.

[meoww]

My brain feels like a polished diamond. Like it's made of the hardest stuff. And like it's magnificent lol. Hahaha I sound like I'm on drugs. But it really does right now.

[meoww]

Maybe this is the last phase of integration. My two adult selves are integrating into one. Pre and post trauma. Apathy and hardness, empathy and eagerness all finally melding into this creamy, smooth substance. I don't feel at war with all the different people inside me who had completely opposite opinions and behaviors. It's like I can at least intellectualize how I have changed and become who I am today even if it is baffling on a real, experiential scale.

[meoww]

I'm just roaming free in my mind. Fall is freedom for me. I'm free to be as reflective and somber as I want to be. No candy colored expectations and cotton candy pressures like in the summer. No harshness like in winter. Students are forced into new worlds of sincerity and history and crisp new books.

[meoww]

Little brain heal yourself. I love you.

[meoww]

Heal. Just connect and imagine all the inactive and dying parts of your brain lighting up everywhere. Just let it happen, don't resist it. Do it for you. Do it because you deserve it. You don't need to worry. Remember to focus entirely on you. Love yourself and the world completely, as a whole don't worry about all the details and implications of that love. Heal. Listen to what is coming of your brain right now. Let it all come tumbling out like ribbons of water churning through one of those wheel thingys I forget what they are called, then transform mid tumble into fireflies that zoom through the living room and out the window. Let it leave you, finally everything inside you and not just a higher power but even your own body is cooperating with you.

 

Hate is tumbling out and being transformed into the wordless vegetation that colors the earth. All the trees and plants in the world are just old memories and traumas that have been repurposed to make the world beautiful. There are no graveyards for memories.

 

But what about ghosts? Do have they have to live in those forests? I don't think so. I can't kill her, the little girl who haunts me. I just couldn't. So where is she going to go? I don't know. Sometimes she still needs so much. I can't get her to join me or convince her that we are one and the same. I'm somebody else to her, someone better, someone who shouldn't even be stained like that. She needs me but she doesn't want to hurt me by being me.

[meoww]

I asked her why she doesn't want to grow up. She said that if she grew up, there would be no one to love her anymore. I told her that's how all adults are. But that we try and find people who will love us. She said I didn't know that I'm just like everybody else. And I said of course you are. She looked so happy like I'd never seen her before. I know she needed my love but she also needed to know that she was just like everybody else. She's not as sad as she was and I don't think she'll ever be quite that sad ever again. I hope she'll join me soon.

[meoww]

Maybe she knows now that all her loneliness and pain was just an illusion. It was temporary, it was a combination of factors beyond her control. It wasn't reality, it was a combination of how she felt and the fear and brainwashing cultivated by her abusers. It wasn't a tragedy. It was a problem that could be solved.

[meoww]

Interesting. I haven't had that annoying masturbation itch lately. I knew I just had to stop doing it for a while. Starting to feel more sensitized to things.

[meoww]

I'm scared to be happy. I am definitely. Someone told me that last week and it didnt really get through to me until that point. I have a lot to be happy about. I shouldn't feel constant guilt or fear about that.