Normal

[meoww]

I also need to figure out how to friend zone a guy without losing his friendship. I think I can manage this a lot of the time now that I'm not as negative of a person.

[meoww]

Writing in my PMS journal has already yielded me an important insight into the way I deal with my feelings. I use shopping and food as a reward and unfortunately since I'm stressed a lot I tend to dish out these rewards very freely. I honestly can't think of living any other way! I love treating myself to all the things that make my life comfortable.

 

So I'm going to try to make a list of rewards that don't involve either of those:

 

1. Massage--not really cheap though

2. Sex but that's not something I just go and get from the store or something. I already masturbate enough, and I was trying to do a no fap September thing because embarrassingly enough I feel a lot looser than I used to be

3. Candles etc,, but that gets old so fast and I have so many

4. Books--I need to read a lot more

5. Learning a new language--this would feel more like a chore than a luxury I look forward to after work

6. TV--I watch plenty and it definitely helps me wind down

7. Singing--already do this

8. I guess I need more activities

 

Like

 

9. Cleaning--can be therapeutic for me.

10. Painting my nails

11. Facial

12. Cooking

13. Sports--on my free days

14. Meditation/yoga

15. Art--but I'm so over this, but there must be something. I still like sewing clothes, I think that would be fun since I can't always find exactly what I want on the street.

16. Making stuff

 

 

17. Games---yeah I could get into more solitary games

18. Personal projects-study, computers, cars, math, stars, politics, countries, nature, animals, cuisines, history, clouds, business, writing, human body, comedy, relationships

19. Like playing music--I've been saying this for so long. But now I feel like I actually will make it happen since I'm running out of ways to pass the time

20. Take a nice, relaxing walk

[meoww]

I used to worry about the judgments of literally everyone around me, it was like sensory overload and I was always exhausted and not even aware of what was causing my fatigue. I wanted to change my personality to suit every kind of person and never let everyone down, so of course I let everyone down by having too much on my plate in terms of commitments and emotional connections. I am really doing a good job of not obsessing or worrying about the actions or lives of other people. I'm not as accomodating or sweet as I used to be but overall since I'm so much happier I'm much better to the people I care about. I have more patience for others when I'm focusing on myself. My thoughts are clearer. I can see through my own bs and others bs a bit better. I even have some degree of control over overpowering thoughts or feelings! I think this partly came about because I held back from him, wanting him on that last day to give me the goodbye I really wanted. I was just like, I can't control this situation, he chose something I didn't want him to choose, and it was horribly painful but so much easier than nursing false hope for months.

 

I'm even kind of okay with ambiguity. It was never clear cut that he wasn't interested but I'm not dying to find out like I was 2 weeks ago. It's so strange, I'm in an entirely new headspace. I have never been good with ambuity or rejection. Rejection stopped making me fall to pieces 2 years ago when I dealt with my abandonment issues. But there was still this sense of bravado or shame or humilitation I hadn't learned to sublimate. So now I really am starting have decent coping skills.

 

I'm realizing I might still have a few more cards left to play in this game. I surrender to everything my life is going to be. I realized that no matter what happens to me, I don't have to get down about it and it is my choice to keep certain people around in my life or not. I hope that I can build my strength to the point that I can will myself to recover from trauma faster

[meoww]

I'm feeling anxious and scared that something bad is going to happen to me. I don't feel safe.

[meoww]

I'm really tired today. Trying to improve myself all the time is so tiring. I know I've built like a base level of normalcy in my life but sometimes I get so frustrated wondering why I'm literally the only one I know who has had to go from being a complete freak into a somewhat decent human being. I was thinking to myself the other day that the weird stuff that happened to me in my childhood wouldn't even make a good movie because it would be too weird for other people to watch. I just want to block it all out. I cried last night wishing that I would have just become a prostitute and ran away from home at 16 or so. That honestly would have been better. I have such regret about everything that went down with my family.

[meoww]

I get really sad seeing these semi famous kids who are like 14-16 on instagram who have such decent families and friends, listen to amazing music, have great style already at that age, talent in music or singing or whatever and have never known the kind of pain I have. It makes me feel like I am being punished by god for something. If I didn't seek out new experiences I would be stuck in the same old grind with my horrible family. I had to make the choice to leave them for my own sanity and chance at a decent life. Why would I ever deserve that? Who in their right mind could make that choice? No one wants to be an orphan. It makes no sense that they have so much positivity in their lives with such little comparative effort. I could sing all day long and never have as beautiful of a voice as some of these people. I also realized that growing up I never felt like I had a skill, other than being good at getting good grades. I'm a terrible writer, not great at sports, unless they are individual ones--but even then I was in my abuse bubble and never thought to develop an identity of my own other than just being my parent's housekeeper. Then I get depressed about naive I was and then I just don't even know what to think.

 

Not only do I feel like that, but I also have a hard time committing to any identity because I never feel like adopting one encompasses the whole scope of who I am as a person. Sometimes I'm nerdy, sometimes I'm not, sometimes I'm ambitious, sometimes I'm not. I'm just not one thing. For 8 years this has been bothering me.

 

Yet, in changing my identity over these past 3 years I noticed that I'm not feeling like that as much anymore.

It's just that I was so far off the mark of what or who I really am that I didn't even know what I was missing in life let alone who I was supposed to be.

Getting closer means feeling less like a person torn between all these unsatisfying choices

I'm starting to feel like I'm making choices that will affect who I am in the future instead of just temporarily

But who knows maybe not.

I really need constancy.

[meoww]

I often get upset in my head when people don't act the way I expect them to. So many of my problems with people are based on the discrepancy between what I think is appropriate vs the reality. Instead of expecting people to meet the needs I have outlined in my head I think I'm going to focus more on trying to get what I want from them in a practical way, understanding that others have limits that may be far below what I wish they had.

 

Changing my focus should make it easier to deal with people who push my buttons.

[meoww]

Why do some ladies call their boobs 'the girls'? It gives me the creeps. I don't know it bugs me.

[meoww]

Spooky and cynical

 

I just realized why I'm stupid yet again. My brain is just dysfunctional.

Giving advice helps me realize things about myself sometimes.

 

Like that 'bad' people or guys are almost never all bad. We get stuck in dysfunctional patterns because through the difficulty there is always at least some reward...that keeps us coming back to the pain.

 

That's why people often have to go to their ex and be like, I know this is pathetic but please tell me that this is never going to work and that you don't have feelings for me. It's because then we know that we aren't getting that perceived reward anymore. We are so delicate that we can't process rejection a lot of time unless it is spelled out that clearly.

 

Ambiguity is like, system overload!

 

Wait, this means yes and no at the same time? Well it must mean yes then?

Some of us are relentlessly optimistic.

 

Like that's why it's so hard to lose weight by cutting calories.

It's nearly impossible to convince yourself that the pain in your stomach is a good thing. I know I can do that. Back when I had an eating disorder it meant I was losing weight. That was the only way I could stand that hunger and empty feeling.

 

There are all kinds of fabulous artifice we use to convince ourselves that pain isn't really pain.

For me it is usually a deterrent to me becoming a stronger person.

 

So right now, my stomach hurts from the pain of hunger which I have not felt in a long time. My heart hurts from the pain of rejection and ambiguity

My intuition was right about something today and when I discovered that thing I wondered if my intuition was usually right. So does that mean

 

That one of my exes lied to me? He really did have sex with someone else

God I wish he wouldn't have lied to me

It was so unfair

I don't even like him and still think about it

I swear it was partly his way of punishing me for dumping him because of the cheating

That way I'd always wonder about him

 

My other intuition

Was it also true?? He had a thing for his sister and also intended to hook up with that other girl when he got home. So just switched off me and just didn't even care. Somehow thought he was the man for going through his life and travels like that. Leaving me with nothing to hold onto. For me it wasn't fun, just depressing...being forgotten and thrown away like that after it seemed like something nice was developing. I felt like a pit stop. Like that random ugly chick a guy hooks up with and never mentions to his friends. Ok I feel horrible

[meoww]

Omg I just had an amazing epiphany! Ha well it's not that amazing but I get guys so much more now

 

I wish I was a guy. I could act all strong, because faking it does actually help you make it. I could say those cheesy lines like, "you can trust me" and feel like the when I say it. I'm starting to get it now. When you say stuff like that you feel in control of the situation. That is ing patriarchy. And when you are the guy you can set the tone of the relationship, like you literally have the power.

 

If I said, you can trust me, I wonder if a guy would be creeped out.

Like he'd feel like the girl in the situation

Some guys might like though

 

I wish I could be manly like that

Be a real man

 

So when you say "I don't want to hurt you" to a girl

It sometimes means, I want to be in control of the situation, I want to be the one who has all the power

 

I mean if I say it

How condescending does that sound? Everyone has the tools they need to cope by themselves

We don't need to be protected

It bothers me so much that there are guys out there who even say stuff like this

I don't want to die either but I'm not going to around talking about it all the time

 

It's like duh

I don't want to hurt anyone either

Including children, the elderly, and animals

[meoww]

It's like men have this line down,

 

The best defense is a good offense.

 

Women have to be the goal keepers. It's not fair!

I mean it's not that cut and dry

At all anymore

But sometimes it still feels like we are stuck in the olden days

[meoww]

I'm on a roll tonight...I suggested that a fellow enaer to try to get the positive things they got from their ex from a different source or in a new way, substitute and replace what they gave them with other ways to get kind of the same thing. like for example, if their partner fulfilled their need for affection then you could get a pet or spend more time with their family. it kind of helps to detach and view those needs separately from the person you lost. Then the heartache is more bearable, it's less like you lost something you need or that is irreplaceable, it's more logical and puts your perspective into the positive things that are in your present and making the future better. One thing I really hate is making the same mistake over and over again.

 

Furthermore sometimes it shows just how much the person might be falling short of meeting your needs in the first place.

 

giving advice on all kinds of issues really helps me see what I'm doing wrong in my life. I feel like I grew up so much in the last few hours. We'll see how long that lasts...anyway I realized part of why I'm hurting is that he was filling a hole that I hadn't lol this is just too literal...k not going to finish that sentence. He made me realize I'm lacking stuff in my life.

 

So I think I'm all epiphanied out for the night. I don't want to dig too deep and not be able to get out. But I have to fill my own hole lol

[meoww]

I look back on my bad choices in relationships....

 

And then I think about how many rejections I could have brushed off without it crushing my self esteem, guys I would have rejected as soon as the red flags began to surface, the pity mixed with affection that I felt for guys I wasn't invested enough in and never should have dated, if I never did any of those things who knows who I could have been today

 

All the mixed connections. The weird ways I acted with guys who were cute and actually decent (at least moreso then some of the guys I somehow ended up with.)

 

I could have had so much more time to meet actual potential partners

I could have not impaled myself on I don't even know

I could have improved all around as a person

 

Like being around nicer guys makes me more fun to be around, makes me more stable, independent, feminine, loving

But it's like what's the point now? It feels a little late turning into a good woman now

 

I could have fallen in love by now

And had a real relationship, maybe

 

I do things to make guys lose respect for me, especially when I think that it's just casual

I have never played the game right

If I ended up with a bf it was usually a fluke and after at least some annoying drama

I want something waaaay better than that

 

But I have to start from the beginning

Get fooled by manipulative guys

Be street smart

Learn how to seduce

Learn how to guard my heart

 

Because I never had the courage to pursue anything for real until this point

Oh my god

Even this summer

I just assumed I was emotionally distant for so long. Until I realized, there are parts of me that are still so lost that I don't even notice I'm bleeding until like I look in the mirror and I'm gushing blood from one of my nostrils or something

[meoww]

When I start losing myself I barely even notice it until I do something really stupid like end up in another country or in a random 3 year relationship. I've always been afraid to actually be self aware and present in the moment. So I build up these constructs in my head to cope. So sometimes I'm so numb when I should be feeling something, and feeling something when I shouldn't.

[meoww]

When it comes to making bad choices, sometimes once I make a mistake I just keep going because I assume it's too late when it's not at all, when it is actually too late I finally realize how prematurely I gave up on correcting myself. I do this to myself in many areas of my life.

 

Looking at things positively is changing how I make my decisions. Bad things don't happen to me as much and it still seems like a miracle. My life had changed so much, not necessarily in a linear way. I've just tried on a lot of identities.

 

However

 

I know I could be better than I am now

I need to have the strength to carry on

 

I know what kind of person I want to be

[meoww]

The more experiences I accumulate, the more I change as a person. The broader my perspective is, the less ambivalent I feel, the easier it is to construct an identity for myself. I can't hide away until the perfect moment comes, I have to make mistakes. I am so eager for experiences of all kinds but I'm worried I don't have enough time or money to make it all happen for me. I'm scared for this reason. I'm scared because I don't know what the end result of all this is going to be. Will I find peace of mind? Stability scares the out of me. I don't want to be stuck in some suburb and have the same 10 friends for the rest of my life. There is just no way. I need new things but sometimes other people make me feel like something's wrong with me because I don't want that.

 

Even I don't know. Because when you are a wanderer, you are vulnerable.

Here I am again same ing problem

 

Seriously why is happening to me? Why do I get so scared that I'm going to get bored, never have fun again, and lose out on really living life?

[meoww]

Yeah I'm not going to get out of my funk unless I just live even now where I am. I can't just stop and wait until I get out of here. I have to live my life as though I chose this. I have to live myself under the same circumstances I would always live. I have to at least try

 

Otherwise I'm just going to keep writing the same stuff on this site until I leave, never figuring what's wrong with me. I need to live. This is going to help me start figuring it out I can feel it. I need to let it all in.

[meoww]

Definitely caught the travel bug again after all these new experiences. Dont want to say on this site, but I have a lot on my mind.

[meoww]

I know at least one depressed person and I just don't even connect with the way they interpret things anymore. It doesn't bother me, and I don't judge them because I know it's not their fault. When I was depressed I didn't choose to be that way, I was raised by paranoid and depressed people and didn't know that the way I was interpreting things was causing me to make bad decisions, seek out dysfunctional people, not be able to see who I really wanted to be. I don't even think depression is necessarily a disease. I guess it is in the sense that like a computer virus is a disease. I guess it could be a terminal illness if it ends in death. It just seems dumb to label people as depressed when non depressed people make bad choices and do dumb things all the time. But that is a separate issue and I'll try not to conflate the two.

 

I guess if there are universal symptoms then it is a disease? Why is arrogance considered a personality trait and not a disease? Or selfishness. I guess they are just the normal variations that in extremes, are considered pathological like narcissism. But it isnt black and white is it?

 

I wonder if I can help my friend in some way. It's hard because depressed people often don't have a lot to offer, in terms of friendship.

[meoww]

It's weird how some people don't change much. Or is that normal? Messed up people have this affect on me, like I get pulled into their weird world so quickly. Like years can pass and I see them and they treat me like pretty much the same disrespectful or uncomfortable way and I guess I feel so surprised and caught off guard. Like wow, I have changed so much and had new experiences and you're still like this? It starts to make me feel crazy. It just doesn't seem possible.

 

Revenge is dish best not served. I often between wanting to rub things in people's faces and realizing that spending even a minute on a hateful person or a douchebag is just not even worth my time because when I divert energy away from those people i meet so many cooler and more fun people, then I don't even have to worry about dealing with those mean people in the first place. So it's definitely not even worth stressing about right?

 

It's just that in that moment I'm dumbfounded that people like that actually exist. Therein lies the frustration. You can't make them change and all they want to do is play these ridiculous and often simplistic power games. It's so uncomfortable and bewildering. It's interesting how not everyone is like that, it's like why are certain people just so unpleasant.

[meoww]

I want to try not to let anything I can't change stress me out.

 

Just have to let it be.

[meoww]

My stress level affects my productivity and decision making a lot. Not to mention, I really think it has an detrimental affect on my skin. I saw a picture of me from 2 years ago when I was at that critical point, and my skin looked horrible, like not in terms of acne but like just so raw, but kind of shriveled looking. It has improved so much since then even though I'm not satisfied with it. It's incredible that I have completely changed since undergoing that experience with my abusive mother. I hope I get my old face back someday.

 

Anyway, I don't want to get stressed out about anything related to her and how she has affected my life. It's not fair to me. I really don't want to ruin my face lol by being stressed out.

 

It's important that I let go. Somedays are easier than others. Today, I think, is going to be one of those good days.

[meoww]

Anyway, I want to let my guard down. I want to truly be calm inside not just the appearance of calm but for it to be my reality. I think it's possible for me to control my negative thoughts more and put more emphasis on my positive thoughts.

[meoww]

I really need to focus on letting my guard down. I'm always on high alert for a potential stressor or attack. I really need to let that protective bubble go. I don't need it anymore. I need to tell myself it's okay to come out of hiding. If I don't, I really think it's going to affect me in a bad way both mentally and physically.

 

I finally have the emotional depth to realize that things are not black and white. It's okay if I make mistakes and if not everything goes well. So I don't need to have a wall.

[meoww]

Just living life is a good feeling. I feel like I'm getting into that flow of things. like I can talk more about the things I'm doing rather than analyzing my feelings all the time.

 

It's not like I'm dealing with this gnarly mess anymore so I don't feel constant regret.