Boyfriend loves me, but expresses his fear of cheating

[thoroughlymodern]

[sisterlynch]

Hi there,

 

I know exactly what you mean. I am pretty sure that every single person in the world feels exactly like you do. We all see a cute guy here and there and nothing concerns us more than the thought of our best friend cheating on us and making us feel empty and desperate.

 

Unfortunately, these feelings of ambiguity are impossible to shake completely. You will most likely always feel this way about him or any other creature that you love.

 

It is important to understand that his feelings may also be a warning sign that he is in an unhealthy relationship...watch him and if he seems to be over emotional or underly emotional, ask him if his feelings have changed...it is better to do this as soon as you notice some further behavior that has you concerned.

[Scout]

I hate to tell you this, but it sounds to me like he loves you, but his will isn't strong enough to not cheat. It's amazing he at least told you that. I think what he's trying to say is although he loves you, he is not ready to settle with just one person yet.

 

Your best bet to avoid being hurt - AND to let him see just how bad it would be without you - is to end things now. Tell him the conversation really shook you, and that you appreciate he was honest but it's obvious that a monogomous relationship isn't what he is looking for right now. And that you can't continue with the relationship always worrying.

 

I honestly would try to end things if I were you, before he acts on his fears, and you end up being distrustful of men all over again. I think you should know that many, if not the majority, of males can be in a monogomous relationship. Cheating is not the norm, ok? There are plenty of guys out there who would be faithful, and can look at another woman without pining to have sex with them and cheat on their partners.

[SecondChance]

I'm sorry, but I have to (respectfully) disagree with Scout 100%. I think it is completely normal to have sexual thoughts about other people while you're in a committed relationship, and the fact that your boyfriend brought this up to you is sign of maturity and trust. If he was going to cheat on you, the LAST thing he would do is tell you about it first.

 

It is true that you need to look at the context of your relationship. If things are going well, then this probably is sign of deepening honesty between you. If things are not going well, and you've been having a lot of problems, then yes, it could be a sign of something more serious. Which again, means that it was a good thing that your boyfriend brought this up, and maybe you two need to talk about other underlying issues that you previously haven't been aware of.

 

Having said that, if your boyfriend is scared of cheating on you, and now that he has expressed his fear, ask him if he now feels that his fear is gone by having told you about it. If it isn't, then you two could come up with a plan - e.g. he calls you on his cell phone when he needs some reassurance and connection, esp. since you mentioned that he gets these feelings when you two haven't seen each other in a long time. Or something like that. But come up with a plan - together.

 

Feelings are not what destroys relationships - even destructive feelings. If two people can talk about them openly and deal with them, and then make the appropriate changes, then they can make the relationship stronger. It's when people CAN'T talk about feelings rationally, and then they go and ACT on them selfishly OUTSIDE of the relationship - that's what destroys trust and love.

[thoroughlymodern]

Thank you so much. We sat down and sorted everything out. Our relationship was fine prior to this, we weren't having problems or anything. After we talked and sorted everything out, everything is okay. Thank you everyone for your advice. The bottom line is this was a small insecurity that was magnified by sickness, stress, among other things. We are doing fine now and have come up with a system. Not long after I posted this, I heard about a wife who had similar issue; fantasizying about other men and feeling guilty towards her husband. She was advised to replace those men with her husband, or call him and appreciate him for everything he is. Boyfriend's openness was an act of honesty and love. Thanks everyone!