Conversations with boyfriend is like talking to a wall.

[lifeisaparadox]

When we first started dating, we really connected by having long deep meaningful conversations ... basically, pillowtalk. We still do every now and then and it is refreshing.

 

Recently, I have shifted our conversations to the future. I'd talk about my future mostly at first, because I'm really excited and ambitious about what my future has in store for me now that I've secured a job in my career field and I will be graduating soon. I started shifting things to about him and us and our future recently (since we started talking about marriage a bit).

 

Whenever we talk about the future, it is like talking to a wall. He doesn't respond to some questions I ask or he stays quiet after some statements. It makes me mad because I get NO response... just SILENCE. So I'll ask him what's on his mind or if he's tired, and he'll just say "no" or "just thinking."

 

When we talk about marriage, it's very hopeful and romantic. But when it comes to the technical things like finances, stabilization, etc. he goes quiet. It's a red flag to me that he can't talk about the future in a serious way with me. He's also kind of just going to school, just 'cause he can, and won't graduate for another 3-4 years or so at this rate, maybe even more. He has no idea where he is going in his life as of now, and my guess is THAT is why he doesn't respond to me while talking about the future. My guess is that he has no confidence in his future and so talking about it is scary.

 

This is a huge red flag for me. I love my boyfriend a lot and would like to establish some "guideline" to what our future will look like, especially since marriage has been brought up. I do want to marry him someday but when we talk about his future and money, he goes quiet. What do you guys think? I want advice on how to approach this situation because I want us to be able to talk about something this serious.

 

Edit: And before anyone says anything, he's the one who brought up marriage first. We ended up just establishing that we'll both actually marry when we are financially stable, but now we kind of just talk about it romantically so since we know neither of us will be financially stable enough to marry for another few years.

[mhowe]

Well, clearly he won't be "financially stable" for at least a decade...4-5 more years of school and then finding a job. Are you willing to wait that long.

 

Because he obviously has NO plan...and if you fail to plan, you can plan on failing.

[Ms Darcy]

I think it's entirely possible that you won't be the girl he marries. I doubt you wold have the patience to wait another half decade before he gets his finances in order. The romantic talk is one thing but if a guy can't talk about real-life specifics that is a major red flag. It means he is not actively moving in that direction.

 

You just have to figure out how long you are willing to wait before you walk away.

[Stay_home]

How long are you willing to wait to find out if he has the juice to really want to marry you? That's your question. Depending on your answer is whether or not you should stay in this relationship.

[Heather Dawn]

I noticed you're from WA - his name isn't Steve, is it? LOL Sounds a lot like my ex-boyfriend, who was from there.

[Frederik]

I have to admit that I'm a bit uncomfortable reading all this. But in short? I think you should stop nagging him, lifeisaparadox. I think he knows where the "problem" is and I don't think it's very nice or productive that you're persistently nagging him with these questions every night, especially now after *you* have secured your dream job (so it seems) and you can look into your future with a little bit of optimism. It sounds like you're gloating. I don't know what his dreams are (do you?) or his job prospects are, but I do know that being a guy today is not an easy thing, especially not in the job market with so many male related jobs going overseas and few companies hiring full time.

 

So if you REALLY love him then perhaps you should back off a little bit, offer instead a little bit of empathy, initiate honest conversations about HIS dreams and plans, support also has never done any harm, neither has solid encouragement when he's feeling down and maybe from time to time an occasional kick in the butt. But if you can't do that then I'm afraid you're not seeking love, but someone to latch onto to constantly take care of you and franklly if I would be your boyfriend that would be a "huge red flag" for me.

 

My advice to you would be to take one step at the time, live one day at the time and see what the future holds for you in these uncertain times. Marriage is a big step, so is buying a house, a car and having a baby. It's no longer about just money, but how much money and perhaps you should wait first to see at least how much money will you REALLY save from your dream job.

 

As for waiting... Well, that's what true love is all about, isn't it? Beating the odds.

[abitbroken]

Well....what if you said "i only want to marry when I am financially stable" and then someone kept asking you "well, are you financially stable now??"

 

I think that if you are young and in school also that you should focus on school or what YOU want to do. Time will tell if your boyfriend sorts out what he wants to do, and you have to let him do that. Whether you are around when he is ready to marry - time will tell. But you can't expect he will work 2 jobs while in school to marry you. Let him figure out what he wants to do and find himself on his own. Get yourself financially stable - its about both, right? You need to do that for yourself whether boyfirend is in the picture or not

[ItRainsItPours]

I dont think OP is nagging. If he's in college he's an adult and needs to start thinking like one. This sounds exactly like my friend's problem with her boyfriend, so much that I checked to make sure that you weren't her. She's got her professional life all squared away and her boyfriend just wants to play with his band in bars. Whenever she brings up his goals (theyre still very young, 22 and 23) he gets quiet. He's going to lose her eventually, women seldom marry "beneath" them.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting a provider and protector in a husband. You cant make your boyfriend ambitious, he is or isnt on his own. If his goals and aspirations dont meet your expectations you two will grow apart. Nothing wrong with that really.