still in turmoil... should i break n/c? advice? i need it!

[RayF]

Well it's been 4 months since she left me...

 

I've maintained n/c for 3 months,

 

during that time i've met a couple new girls, sort of was seeing one for about amonth but it neer got past friendship.

 

allthewhile all i want is my ex.

 

I even signed up with a dating thing on the net,maybe to boost my confidence and one of the most beautiful women i've ever seen double matched me... yet i still only want my ex... i am just as emotionally attached to her now as i was then.

 

i'll admit it may be because i'm absutly petrified of dating and intimidated by allot of women. and i'm picky as hell...

 

but it just seems that with the girls i've met thus far none came anywhere near to my ex in terms of qualities i look for. and the way we connected, she was eerything i eer wanted, good heart, absoutly beautiful, loving, loyal and honest.

 

she broke upwith me in august. it came with little warning, we had been fighitng more abut petty things and she was in allot of anxiety about it. i had no idea it was so bad for her as it wan't for me.

 

looking back i can honestly see where some problems lied, and how i'e done allot to insure that i don';t think those problems would happen agian with her or anyone as ultimatly i'm allot more secure with myself now.

 

when she left she told me she was still in love with me but felt trapped because she was araid to live her life as she wanted it in fear of losing me or us fighting, and life was too short to fight with the one you love so much. she was convinced it wuld never change.

 

she emailed me after one month, basically she stated that she hoped if we kept in contact we could be friends in time, but basically stated at that time she didnt want to get back together.

 

I basically told her no way, that would be way too hard for me. see ya.

 

she hasn't contacted me since but i can't really blame her... i basically told her not to.

 

but i'm thinking of breaking n/c over christmas break... but being honest with her as i hate ulterior motives and mind games. i don't want her as a friend. ever. thats impossible. But i want to get back together with her...

 

i want to simply say it cut and dry, i'e learned allot and changed, i still feel the same way about you. I don't want to rush anything but i would like to see you and spend some time with you and see if felt right, and we could rebuild.

 

Now i don't know if this would be such a great idea, i mean if she felt the same way do you think she would have contacted me by now? Or do you think because i told her no contact she wouldn't?

 

Keep in mind she left me, and was still in love with me at the time, her feelings neer changed. but after a month when i told her i was still in love with her she just said really nothing.

 

i'm thinking that maybe there is still a chance, but did i burn bridges and provent that from ever happening?

 

she told me she was not interested in a relationship with anyone else, she was pretty adament abut that, but she said maybe in awhile. if she was with anyone it would kill me. abosulty kill me.

 

I only want her, and maybe thats the source of y problems, maybe thats why we broke up in the first place

 

regardless i can't stop loving her and i can;t forget all the painfull memories of all the things we experienced together and they were life changing experiences...

 

i believe in true love and think well if i still feel this strong, how can she not? it must have been that strong a bond fr me to still feel this deoted t her.

 

but what if it isn't? what if she's healing, is happeir without me?

 

I know she still loves and thinks about me, i just know it.

 

but what if she dsn't want me back?

 

does that mean it's not true love and i only feel this way because i'm insecure, was rejected, overly picky and jellous (of the thogut f her with other guys).

 

allthewhile i still wnder if i should break n/c?

 

any advice i would really appriciate.

[XrucuX]

As someone who would really like to become a psychologist...

You are in clear need of some TLC so who better then the person who knows you best YOUR EX if you really want it to work you will talk things thru. And I mean really talk...do not set limitations for your self because those limitations is what will cause emotional termoil all over again if you want a fresh start in an old relationship.

[lelucats]

Hi Ray,

 

Being in limbo is soooo frustrating! I think you should contact her and find out where she's at emotionally with you. It will be hard for you to decide whether to wait or move on until you know what she feels.

 

Not that your contact has to be intense. You can get a good sense if she's interested with a simple Hello.

 

I wish you the best! Keep us posted! Lelu

[kalshane]

Remember, she broke up with you. If there is going to be any overture it will have to be from her.

[milano]

new to this site, but thought id jump right in the flow of things. what events led up to her breakin up with you? if you feel that she loved you, then those feelings jsut wont go away that easy..she still thinks of you no matter how much she may be busy or try not to. im sure she is not busy 24/7! if she said she dont want to get back or just stay friends..then you msut respect that..if ya dont, ya give her more reason for her not to. just accept what she has to offer ya for now if ya really want her in your life..if ya cant handle being friends with her..then dont, or simply tell her that you still have feelings for her and it would be pretty difficult for you at this point. she will understand im sure. ur pain is common as ya can tell by other people on this forum inc myself. one thing i truly believe is taht you must have the right state of mind in order to help urself with this situation..stay positive and ya can do it. if ya want to break contact..do so because ya want to say hi..dont do it if you gonna get all sad and miss her more..be happy

[RayF]

thanks for the encouragement guys!

 

well my ex and i had an amazing relationship, it was very unlike anything for our young age (20) It was far ahead in maturity...

 

However being so young, down to earth or not you lack experience.

 

I had a rough childhood, divorce, being alone, i was always a well liked guy but lonely. I used to be overwieght so i wasn't used to having a beautiful nice girl love me.

 

While i treated her like gold (she still admits this) my underlying insecurities caused me to subcounsiously bring her down. thus i would bring up fights more often than nessisary. Now for allot of girls it wouldn't have been such a big issue but she is a sensitve and genuine person...

 

the anxiety became too much for her, she said she felt trapped because she didn't want to worry about fighting so much (we would get in one fight over a minor issue about 2 times a month) the fights were not verbally abusive or anything of the like... like i said she's fragile.

 

I was also in a bad state, worried abutm school and very stressed, i would getin moods sometimes and be negative

 

Since then i've gotten professional help, realized things and become a better man... i;ve got a ways to go but i fell much better about me!

 

she told me she was still as in love with me the day she left as she ever was.

 

The last time i spoke to her she really wanted friendship someday.

 

But there is NO WAY in hell i'd be able to handle only that, knowing eery other girl i've met thus far has not even come close to her level and knowing she's out there with no commitment to me...

 

Honestly do i believe being friends could lead to more? possibly.

 

However iknow me. I could not be the positive all of the time to attract her becuse her going out would bother me, her just not being with me would bother me, her hurting me in the pastwould bother me.

 

i'd be willing to try and forget those things but i have to have a clear cut answer that indicates we are trying, or atleast testing... to see if "us" could work...

 

but cntacting her... i don't believe in ulterrior motivesJust complete honesty,

 

however would being that upfont scare her off??

 

This is the delema i'm in...

[RayF]

also sme of the other reasons she fed me were

 

"Ineed to find myself" (URGHH!! I HATE that! what the heck does that even MEAN?)

 

"i want to spend time with family and friends"

 

" Do whatever the hell i want whenever the hell i want to do it (this was in the heated conversatin at the time of breakup)

 

 

"i need to feel independent"

 

These thougts she never expressed to me before especially since a mear two days prior she told me how lucky she was to have me.

 

so i dunno.

 

I REFUSE to be strung along on false hopes, making her life and decison easier because she still has me in it but still "gets todo whatever she wants whenever the hell she wants to".

 

I will never be her friend, thats just out of the question...