Reconciling: but im not sure I want this anymore

[pandorasbox1]

Hey guys... been a while. So about 5 months ago my bf broke up with me. Although it was amicable (we were both unhappy) I think it had a more profound effect on me. I was down and out for quite a while. We only seriously started reconciling approximately 2 months ago. He would blow hot and cold very often and at one point I got to the stage where I was ready to let go if he wanted to leave...

 

he had a change of attitude and agreed to work on things. During all of this I started seeing a therapist and also started working out. I learned about myself and I have started to think of myself a lot more. Im not as focused on him to the point of obsession. Obviously I still care for and love him but lately I just don't feel too invested.

 

Im constantly doubting his level of commitment. He has been living his own life and at this point I feel we lead so very different lives. We dont talk often and I feel a distance growing between us. His effort levels seem minimal. I dont expect to speak to him everyday but some interest and attention is all I want. He seems complacent. He places boundaries on our interactions and their frequency. As of late I am no longer allowed to contact him while he is at work... which I can partly understand

 

I feel like ive put a lot of time and effort into being better and more independent. It seems like for the most part when im out of sight im out of mind. I talk to him about these things but I always end up feeling irrational and guilty for complaining too much which obviously puts strain on the fragile state of our relationship.

 

My perspective has changed a lot. I dont idolise him so much anymore. I am suddenly seeing the gaping holes in our relationship. I am starting to see just how different we really are and it makes me doubt that this will work. Im not sure he can give me what I really need from a relationship and im not sure I can give him this relaxed and minimal effort relationship that he wants. Im just so unhappy. Breaking things off is weighing on my mind a lot... it seems we are heading in different directions.

 

While one part of me is positive that this is not for me anymore and that I should leave, I guess another part of me is scared to let go of all that is good. Im scared to let go of the man I fell in love with... even if he isnt that person anymore. Im scared of having to live with regret.

 

Im just sooo confused... I dont see things progressing or getting better and I know that I shouldnt have to compromise what I want in a relationship either.

 

I wish some guy could sweep me off my feet so that making this decision would be easier but I guess I have to deal with things as they are.

 

has anyone been in a situation like this?

Can any one offer some wisdom? I feel so lost

[pumpkinmoon]

I came here back in 2008 after a break up with my ex of that time. I was distraught and could see no way out. After 4 months we got back together. Things were great at first, but the cracks started to appear. Things that were always a problem. He broke it off again two months later and we got back together 2 months after that. That time we lasted almost a year, but again the problems were still there and it ended again for good. This just got gradually worse. He wasn't putting he effort in. Would ignore me when out socialising, was completely disrespectful and the list just goes on and on and on.

 

I too wanted to end it but didn't have the guts I guess. I kept hanging on, continuing with a relationship that made me feel worthless until he ended it YET AGAIN. Looking back, I wish I had the strength to end it and even that I hadn't bothered getting back together with him in the first place. It is true what they say, it is never the same again. It was a complete waste of my time that only caused more heartbreak for another two years.

 

I know it is hard to walk away, but if your needs are not being met and he isn't putting the effort in, it's the kindest thing you can do for yourself. It's scary to think of being alone and dealing with the sadness of walking away, but that is better than being strung along in an unhappy relationship.

[craigslist]

Dear Raine,

 

While I read your story, two things came out clearer than anything else. (1) You are growing as a person, you are actually starting to find yourself. (2) You are afraid of the unknown.

 

The first is amazing, a lot of people sit in relationships day in and day out never knowing who they are, never growing, and by the age of 50 they figure out something is wrong, and then its a tad late to go hunting for prince charming or whatever the goal might be. Change is ultimate, that is the one thing you can be proudest of, your willingness and ability to grow, even by the sounds of it, out of this seemingly one sided relationship.

 

The second, well let's just say we all go through it. Most people on this site will agree with me, its the fear of letting go, the fear of being alone, the fear of having to make dinner for one sitting in silence with nothing but your thoughts to keep you company...but here's the bonus part...you learn even more of yourself through it. Never let fear stand in your way of growing more. I love this one quote by Albert Einstein, and maybe you've heard it before: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not too sure about the former." Another quote that makes sense in this case is one by Stephen R. Covey "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human one."

 

Our life is defined by our choices, make the right one for you! Yes, I have been in this situation myself, however I never got back with her even when she begged me, now we are both so happy...and the best of friends. Good luck with your decision. I think you might have already made it?

[Red Tie]

What will happen if you choose Road A or Road B is up to you. Both of them might be bad or good.

But the thing we always tell ourselves is that when we chose B, was that A could of been much worse. But you will never know because you chose B instead of A. A could of actually been a better choice.

 

However, we make decision based on past experiences. What we learn from past failures and successes makes us who we are today. We are defined from the ups and downs of our lives. Based on those experiences we decide our next step in life when faced with tough decisions. Your case in one those cases where you choose to stay and endure and leave and persevere. Im saying this becasue its easy for me to judge you since I dont have any feelings for your boyfriend. Its clear to me that your relationship is falling apart and no amount of duct tape is gonna hold it together. You tried over and over to maintain it solid and it keeps cracking. This is me ignoring all the feelings you have for him. When feelings are involved the logical proposition above no longer makes sense, right? The fear of being alone and what will come if you decide to end once and for all is really scary. Its like going in a dark cave! Who knows what lies within? Might be a monster... or... a chest full of gold?

 

Assess what you have now. Are you happy with the way things are right now? If not, then nobody will judge you if you try to change it! Be it by one last wake up call to your boyfriend or pack your stuff and leave. You have the right to be happy has long as you fight for that happiness. People who sit around waiting for something good to go their way die sitting.

 

Will it be hard?

Will you suffer?

Will you be able to get through it?

 

YES!

YES!

And HELL YES!!!

 

Nothing good comes from no effort.

Best of luck and hang in there.

[surfjon]

Raine....

 

I seem to be exactly where you are.....

You and I both were dumped about the same time, 6-7 months ago, and we both did the work on ourselves and the honest looking at the relationship, we were both doing really well.....until..

 

They reached out to us, wanted back in and all that crap, but only after we had really let go and were moving on.

She too has been hot and cold since I gave her another chance back in early June, therefore I....like you....have not invested myself in this reconciliation, I just don't trust her or her motives.....

 

So I have become ambivalent myself and have started my own "fade-away".....I started dating again and No, I didn't tell her....

she's the one who wanted back in and wants to be "exclusive", but won't commit 100%, so I owe her zero explanations here. I am my own person and have developed my own life again and really don't care about her anymore, the girls I date actually WANT to hang out with me, I don't have to feel sick about asking them to do something or spend the night for fear of rejection, and I like that feeling!!

 

 

So now it's my turn to "not know what I want", hell with it, she did it to me for 3 months......

 

surf

[sharky988]

I'm really sorry to hear she's still in your life after the way she's treated you, surfjon.

 

It sounds like you've found a way to keep her around by lowering your expectations.... is that REALLY what you want?