casual sex - would like it, but how to find?

[tacs1895]

So... I'm a single guy, 31. I've never really had sex outside of a relationship. I've not slept with many people (five), I never had that kind of "sowing my seed" period in my twenties or anything. But at this stage in my life, I quite like the idea of casual sex. However, it doesn't come naturally to me. It's not in my nature to easily meet and chat up girls, to be confident and forward in that kind of way. I've never had a one night stand. Nor am I someone who likes clubbing, loud bars or getting hugely drunk.

 

I'm a sensitive, genuine, respectful person. A "nice guy". But I still have my desires for sex, in fact I have a pretty high sex drive. And if I say so myself, I'm not bad in bed either. I don't have any moral issues with casual sex between consenting people. It's just not previously been my style, and tended to be a 'relationship' person. I'm not in a relationship right now, or with anything prospective on the horizon. In fact, I'm still struggling with a long term breakup of two years ago. I'm not seeking casual sex as a way of getting over that relationship, but still would like to meet my physical needs and desires. Nor am I trying to be some kind of player and 'conquer'loads of women either. Basically I'd just like to get laid, which I think is reasonable enough.

 

But it feels exasperatingly out of reach. Sometimes, I see attractive women and feel the pangs of desire very strongly, but feel frustrated because I've no way of engineering anything. I'm wary of getting into anything with friends, even though the option has arisen once or twice, because I don't want anything to get complicated. But how to get casual sex?

 

I actually gave thought to visiting a prostitute, but I don't think I can bring myself to, I think I'd just feel bad after. I think what puts me off is knowing that other person is just doing it for the money, has no other interest in the other person. In other words, even though I'm interested in casual sex outside of a relationship, it still matters that there is some level of mutual attraction. (Also of course there are all the moral issues about prostitution, which I have opinions about also, but this isn't the point of the thread.)

 

Adult dating sites? This seems a bit more of a liberal, realistic possibility. Maybe. But there's still a side of it that seems kind of sleazy. Maybe I'm being prudish. There are many sleazy guys prowling those sites, and it sort of feels unpleasant to fall into that group because I know I'm not like that.

 

What are your thoughts? I'm sure I can't be the only person to have this kind of conflict - wanting to meet sexual needs in a liberal and honest way, but unsure how to do so.

[SantosLHalper]

Hello tacs,

 

Nothing wrong with this, you seem like a good guy. You have your needs, so fair enough.

 

A couple of things to consider. If you want casual sex, be wary of the feelings of the person you're about to sleep with. The girl may want or be hoping for something more. But I assume you're aware of this.

 

Adult dating sites? Doesn't seem like the thing for you! If by this you mean dating sites, then no. These are for people wanting relationships - but maybe I'm being naive here! Maybe there are sites that cater purely for those just wanting a hook-up, but that doesn't sound like your style. Also, don't go to a prostitute, you'd almost certainly regret it. You're right that you'd probably just feel bad afterwards, and the idea that someone is sleeping with you for money and has no affection or feelings for you sounds horrible, I agree.

 

If you don't like clubs, bars, and booze, then I'm not sure where to look! Most, if not all, of my one-night stands came from meeting people in clubs, usually both drunk! But you could go to a bar with a friend or two, maybe there are singles bars in your area?

 

So, in conclusion, I have no good advice for you! Except avoid prostitutes! Not worth it, in more ways than one.

[Realitynut]

My brother used a very attractive, very expensive 'escort' to get him over the ex. lol $400 bucks an hour...and he had himself believing she 'cared' about him....that he was 'different'...lol The poor sucker. But she was YOUNG, HOT and GOOD!

 

Now why in the world are you avoiding a relationship. Many start off sexual...and end up dating...and then even *gasp* long term. There are tons of women out there that want sex also, and not have the constraints and emotional baggage of a real relationship. Find them....or is that what you're asking...HOW to find them? Dating sites. Bars. Festivals. Anywhere.

 

I would say, just date, and tell the woman you are with that you don't want to get serious at this point. If it gets sexual, then YAY. But just let her know in the beginning what you desire. The dating sites (pof) have places you can mark if you want only 'friends', dating, but not serious, a relationship, or marriage minded. There is even a place for 'sexual encounters'.

 

You could try that. But i was thinking while you said this: " There are many sleazy guys prowling those sites, and it sort of feels unpleasant to fall into that group because I know I'm not like that"

But then if you DO what these sleazy guys do....doesn't that make you ONE of them?? So if you don't want to fall into that category...why become one of them? Just asking? Believe me, sex just for sex ain't what it's cracked up to be. But i'm not a guy!

 

Heck, i want sex too. But i don't want to feel like a guy only wants me for sex! But then again, i'm older. There may be LOTS of hot young chicks, looking for Hot young dudes just to 'do them'.....lol

 

Let the games begin....and hope you don't feel like CRAP afterwards. I always did.

[tacs1895]

Santos - thanks for the reply, even if you didn't have much advice! It's not that I don't like bars and drinking per se (I do), just that my character and nature is quite reserved, so it doesn't seem to be a good setting for me for this kind of thing. Simply put, I'm not great at chatting girls up, haha! Hence thinking about what the alternatives might be.

 

Realitynut, I think you didn't quite get my perspective, not sure what to say...

[Jennifer89]

I use dating websites to meet guys for "casual encounters" type of thing. So far the guys I have met up with (2) have been good, kind hearted guys, just not in the place to date or not someone who I would want to date, but someone who is very attracted to me and I am very attracted to him, so it works. One of them I see whenever he's in town, which is every couple of months. The other one I saw for over two months on a regular basis ranging from several times a week to skipping a week every now and then. He was fun, and if he hadn't gotten into a relationship we'd still be the FWB thing.

 

The main thing is, you have to be straight forward about what you want. If you go on there saying that your looking for a relationship, that is wrong and will hurt women, which is sounds like you already know and want to avoid that. If you go on there say what you are after straight forward, it'll lesson the chances of hurting someone. I tell guys that I am only looking for sex, personally I don't hang out with my "friends" or go on dates or whatever, but that's just me, I don't want to get attached, I want to have fun, dang it! I think I shock some guys a little with how straight forward I am, but they seem to appreciate it (or leave the conversion). Anyway, I use POF, because it is free and more of a "hook up" dating sight- in my area, at least.

 

Give it a try- it can't hurt to put up a profile, right?

[tacs1895]

Jenny89 thanks for the response. Agreed, I'm wary of misleading or hurting anyone, so clearly it makes sense to be up front about it. Maybe at some point I will gather the courage to create a profile. I guess it's my natural shy, or slightly reserved personality that holds me back a little... In the same way that 'chatting up' girls doesn't come naturally to me. But you're right that it can't hurt to try putting up a profile.

[hers]

When I was having casual sex, I used websites. And once I met a guy thru a friend and slept with him a few times. But okcupid and plentyoffish were my go-tos. I met a guy off Craigslist once with the idea of friendship (met in the strictly platonic section) but we did end up being FWBs. I'm not good at randomly chatting guys up so I know how you feel. So websites it was. In fact, I met my husband off POF with the hopes of casual sex but I married him instead haha.

 

Don't use a prostitute or escort though. That wa always my deal breaker when it came to entering into a relationship with a guy. I think it's disgusting and if a prospective guy acted in such disgusting ways, I didn't want to date him.

[hers]

Oh an as for hurting someone or leading tem on, you may not get very far by putting in your profile you're looking for casual sex but maybe steer clear of girls who put in their profiles that they are looking for "the one".

 

Also, don't put pics of your junk on your profile. That's just creepy to us.

[The_Seeker]

For casual sex, go on Craigslist.

 

I don't recommend going on a dating site because you would be mislead a lot of women with your intentions.

[Heart On]

But how to get casual sex?

 

Try these.

 

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While dating sites seem to be for men confused about what dating is,don't bother to join one as there are a dime a dozen men looking for "Intimate Encounters" (an oxymoron in my book) as there is zero real intimacy in casual sex!

 

Instead,go to HOOK UP sites and hook up.Pretty simple.

 

NSA sex without the messiness of emotional obligation to others or the waste of money and games trying to get laid and and leaving women feeling used.

 

Go find women who WANT to be used for sex and to use you and be done with it.

[SA_Guy99]

Anyway, I use POF, because it is free and more of a "hook up" dating sight- in my area, at least.

 

I have a pof profile and I'm in a similar situation as the thread-starter, although I am open to dating...just not actively pursuing a relationship. My problem with pof for any reason is that women simply don't reply. What am I supposed to send for a first message that is going to get a reply? As for using pof to look for sex, you can't even use "sexual language" in messages on their site anymore. They even got rid of the Intimate Encounters part of it.

 

I've also used AFF and it's the same problem there... women don't reply. I'm never gonna be the guy who sends a "wanna f***" message. I need to know someone first. I can't do one-nighters. Of course you might not have sex again if the first time isn't what you expected, but I just can't go into anything knowing it's only going to happen once.