7 years of my life gone. Betrayed. Lost.

[konoyaru]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, because if I went over everything, it would never end.

 

I met my significant other 7 years ago. We became best friends. 3 years into being best friends, we decided we wanted to start a relationship. Everything was wonderful and great. Everything with looking perfect.

 

We never had real issues. Never screamed, cussed, threatened, name called, etc. I mean sure, we had our disagreements now and then, but I always apologized if I said something wrong and I did my absolute best to make up for it. I come from a really messed up and abusive past, so if I became irrationally upset over something, I ALWAYS apologized and did my best to make up. Please understand though, that was a very rare thing. It wasn't something that happened a lot because we were very happy together.

 

Well... flash forward a few years of everything being great and I've just been crushed... completely killed. Our 4 year anniversary was at the very end of June. And I guess the guilt was eating her alive so she came forward to me and told me she has been cheating on me with one of her co-workers, sexually, for almost 7 months. This wasn't a one time thing, she had been doing this for months, and lying to my face. Acting like everything was okay. I've told her from day one that if she ever felt unhappy with me, to talk to me, and if we had to, we could part ways on decent terms. But instead, she does this to me...

 

She's been getting into threesomes with that... man and his friends.

 

The fact that she cheated on me is hard. But for more than half a year of nothing but lying to me? It's killing me. And to make it even worse, she was having a sexual relationship with her co-worker. She comes from a hardcore Christian background. She told me at the beginning of the relationship that she didn't want to have intercourse until we were married. I respected her and her wishes because I loved her. I was willing to set aside my desires for her, and I did. And then she goes and does that...

 

We're both in our 20s if that matters. And I feel I should point out that we were going to get married near September of this year... I was literally getting everything together for her and getting ready to marry...

 

Well, it's over now and we're in NC, but I know for a fact that she is already in a relationship with that very same person she cheated on me with... and that's a man who told her that he doesn't "believe" in having dedicated relationships and that he would openly cheat on her. She told me this herself before we went into NC. I can't understand how she would want to be treated like that by someone...

 

I'm heartbroken and destroyed right now =( What the heck did I do to deserve this?

[Misfortune]

That sucks. She is NOT your bestfriend. People can be w/e religion they want but they're still human. I believe that most dumpers/cheaters are cowards. Instead of leaving you and going about their life, they use you, lie to you and smile in your face like everything is ok. It's like they get pleasure out of crushing someone's heart. I would leave her alone and try to move on with my life, she has taken it too far. It could've been guilt or it could've been her new friend wanted you 2 to break up so he could have full control.

[hopefully]

You must have done something really good. This may be hard for you to believe now and but when you really move on, which you should start doing right now, you will realize that the break up was a blessing.

[AnywhereElse]

Dude, you didn't do anything to deserve this. She's the one who refused to open up and come clean for ages. That is HER problem, not yours. I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you. It's incredibly selfish of her to ask you to wait until you are married and then go ahead and screw other people behind your back. That just isn't ok, and it's nothing you did, it's her problem. She didn't have the balls to tell you about it or say anything like, "You know what? I kind of want to try xyz thing, even though I said differently earlier." That's all on her.

[konoyaru]

You must have done something really good. This may be hard for you to believe now and but when you really move on, which you should start doing right now, you will realize that the break up was a blessing.

 

It's hard for me to accept but I feel in my heart, what's left of it, that I dodged a bullet...

[Cherry009]

Im really sorry you were treated so badly, you definitely didnt deserve any of it!!! You are right, you have dodged a bullet. Stay NC and do not, i repeat DO NOT let her worm her way back into your life, i suspect at some point whether it is weeks, months or even years that she will realise what she has lost, will realise the grass wasnt greener on the other side and will try to get you back, i can guarantee it will not last with the other guy, but please be strong and realise you are better off with someone so cowardly and selfish, you can and wil do better!

[itsallgrand]

All those years without sex?

 

This woman is a pig. Sorry this happened to you.

 

You know if someone lies like this though, she's been lying about other things as well?

[Flyingram]

Watch out...she may try to be back after some time...dont let the door unlocked...

[Kendahke]

Absolutely nothing. This is all on her.

 

IMO, when she found that she'd lulled (and lied) you into a strong enough stupor, she went and turned up her behind in the street. She's gone off the total other end of this spectrum.

 

I agree with all of the posters who say she will be coming back--she will. Count on it. Tears in her eyes, sobbing uncontrollably and can't be sorry enough for how she treated you. It will be a marvelous act, almost convincing. But you must remember that little Miss had NO PROBLEM looking you in your eye and lying in your face for a full 7 months while she was screwing her coworker. She has nothing that even remotely looks like integrity. Do not take back someone else's used up vessel. It will cheapen what it is that you have to offer a worthy woman for you to take her back.

 

She wanted to have sexual experiences? Cool. Fine. You break up with the person you're with, first, and then go do what you feel you must do. You don't lie in their face while you do it.

[Abacus]

At the moment you will blame yourself and ask questions that you wouldn't get answers for. I know how bad you must be feeling right now but let me tell you something...those seven years were not wasted. Look at them as an experience, see what went wrong and learn from it. Sometimes we trust people way too much.

 

If someone did something wrong it's her, not you. Don't take the blame. Cheating is totally unacceptable, but cheating AND lying...hell no!

 

As the poster above me said if she wanted to experience something new she should have faced you first, talked to you about it but since she didn't bother to do that shows me that very little she cared about your emotional well-being and there was no respect.

 

When she comes back don't feel bad closing the door on her. She had her chance, she lost it.

[bluevacuum]

Do not take her actions and behaviors as a reflection of you. She lied to you for months and betrayed your trust. She wants to be treated like trash and get used. Let her get used up, she's not the right person for you. When she's all alone and has time to reflect on her actions, she will come crawling back. You must stick to NC if you want to have any chance at happiness. If you let her back in, she will use you until she finds the next person that will validate how she feels about herself, which is garbage. If you don't let her back in, she will find another person to use but you will be healing and not have to put up with her lack of consideration of your emotions. Notice how either options she is just looking for her next meal ticket?

 

If you loved her, this is going to hurt. This is the time that you will rely on your support group, your family, your friends, your spiritual guidance(if you have a religion). Focus on what makes you happy and move forward. Do not let this person back in your life. Her actions have consequences and you need to have boundaries for yourself or she will walk over you again and again.

 

You should heavily reflect on her behavior and see how disgusting/grotesque it is. Do not put her on a pedestal, do not focus on the good times you had, allow yourself to fully put her in the negative light so that any inkling of "love" you have for her is replaced with disdain. She does not deserve your time, attention, respect, and love.

 

She is an extremely selfish person. She only came clean because of how it made her feel. She does not care about your feelings despite what she says. Look at her actions and how manipulative they are. You dodged a big bullet. Imagine if you had actually got married and had started a family. What if the child wasn't yours? Etc, etc.

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[konoyaru]

Just wanted to thank everyone for the advice. I won't be getting back with her, but just the thought of that hurts. I was preparing to spend my life with her, it's what I wanted... but she obviously wanted something different.

 

I remember, a few months ago, she actually got angry with me because I told her I loved her at least once a day...

 

I do see that she is manipulative, and it's not going to be easy because she's making me out to the bad guy to her family and friends. I won't tell her family or friends what she did because it's none of their business, but... I don't know. It's going to be hard, but I've taken up a new hobby to help myself through this. I've always wanted to write a book, so I've started that.

[mbee]

Just wanted to thank everyone for the advice. I won't be getting back with her, but just the thought of that hurts. I was preparing to spend my life with her, it's what I wanted... but she obviously wanted something different.

 

I remember, a few months ago, she actually got angry with me because I told her I loved her at least once a day...

 

I do see that she is manipulative, and it's not going to be easy because she's making me out to the bad guy to her family and friends. I won't tell her family or friends what she did because it's none of their business, but... I don't know. It's going to be hard, but I've taken up a new hobby to help myself through this. I've always wanted to write a book, so I've started that.

 

That's a wonderful start for you konoyaru. I am so sad and sickened by what happened to you. You truly did dodge a bullet and I am glad you saw her true colors before you married her and had children. Her being manipulative is sadly not an uncommon trait among people who cheat. You will just have to slowly accept that the woman you thought you knew is gone now or never really was there. I hate it when people hide behind religion to reinforce the manipulation. My ex was similar. We are both Christians, but he also went to seminary and took is very seriously. Yet somehow cheating on me with a married woman and working to destroy her marriage never quite conflicted with his values and faith?! People like that have serious problems and you truly did dodge a bullet.

 

I admire you for taking the high road and not telling others what happened. You may want to consider divulging this information to very close family and friends however. Having a support network is integral to getting past this betrayal. This is a blessing in disguise. Before I found out about the lies and cheating, I was never close with my family nor did I have that many good friends in this area (I moved to this location to be with my ex). Well in the last 3 months I have made close to 4 very good friends in this area and I have become much closer with my family. This happened mainly because I needed someone to talk to about what happened. Don't be afraid to discuss this with family and friends that you can trust and who you know have your best interests at hand. I hate to say this, but things will only get worse for a little while, and the only thing that will help this not feel like hell is having a good, strong support network. I would avoid telling her family if possible. But if you have mutual friends who you believe care about you, then feel free to tell them. One of my best friends in this area is a mutual friend of my ex. She does not like my ex after what he did to me but they have a good professional relationship and she never brings me up to him. Just keep that in mind when considering discussing this with others. Remember that some people may believe her lies and the best you can do is avoid those people and cut them off.

 

I'm glad you are taking up hobbies and writing a book. Seriously, just keep moving forward. The first couple of months will be EXTREMELY difficult, trust me. After that things will get easier.

[KarenC]

Wow, my heart truly goes out to you because you did nothing wrong so don't try to look for something that isn't there because you'll only find in the end that she wronged you and not you wronged her.

 

She's extremely disrespectful and has absolutely no respect for you, herself, nor the relationship and she crossed the line not only when she slept with someone else -- but when she engaged in an affair and in threesomes w/guys that she worked with and betrayed you.

 

You have a right to feel hurt and rightfully so, however; I hope that you focus more on what she's done to deceive and betray you than the 7 year history and the good times that the 2 of you had because it's obvious that she isn't or wasn't thinking and/or feeling as loyal to the union as you were.

 

You deserve better and I send hugs to you.

[virgil876]

Wow, I really feel for you, so sorry to hear such a bad situation.

 

Only thing I want to say is: that .

[Someone1]

I'm sorry to hear this. It's not your fault man just be glad you are no longer with a person like that, that uses vengeance as love.

 

She broke the trust you both had and she lied in your face...what could be worse than that? 7 months acting like you two were still together and saying she is conservative while she goes and has threesomes with other guys? Do I hear the bells of contradiction ringing? Seriously just be glad you are no longer with a person like that.

 

And be glad that you know now till next time when someone is giving views off that you didn’t ask for or claim certain things about themselves it is most likely that the opposite is true.

 

My ex did the same thing to me, she said you could be friends with the opposite sex without attraction I said I don't believe in it and it’s not possible.

 

She was still determined it was possible but at the end started accusing my views and said she felt uncomfortable when being around guys because of what I thought of it I said I had no problems with that as long as she knew what she was doing.

 

And next thing you know she breaks up with me because she has feelings for her “best friend” that also made sure to destroy our relationship by playing the good guy so she would vilify me, giving her a shoulder to cry on when "I wasen't around" she was the one that removed herself..

 

So clearly the opposite of what she was saying was playing in her mind all the time and not what she "believed"

 

So be careful and listen to what people say about themselves you will most likely hear what they really mean.

 

 

The question is not what you did to deserve this, the question is what did she do to deserve you to begin with!

 

Don't sink to her level man, she chose to be there, that is where she wants to be with someone of her kind, a degenerate. Don’t let these kind of people get the best of you.

 

Save your love for someone else that deserves it instead.

[Red Tie]

After reading your post I almost felt sorry for you... But after reading it agaian, Im happy that for you! Im happy that you arent with this piece of trash your EX is! Oops, did I say trash? Sorry! I meant piece of human $%&/!!!

 

That woman is not good for anyone and Im glad you got to find this out before marrying her.

konoyaru, I respect you for not blowing the whistle to everyone around you about what she did. Youre a nice man. But I dont think this will end here. If she is set up to make you look like the bad guy, then you should at least tell people close to you what happened. Many of them may stop supporting you because they believe her version of the story.

 

Im sorry you had to go trought this but you are better this way. A broken heart heals with time, integrity never regenerates and she didnt had any.

Good luck in life my friend.