konoyaru

Hate that I still think about you sometimes. Get out of my head.

Doing my best not to think of you. Obviously I still do though. I'm making progress towards improving and focusing on my own life. Once I move, I'll be going back to school and I'm thinking of applying to the local sheriff's department at my new location. Looking for new opportunities in life, even some things I had never considered before, just to have change. I would join the Army, like I always wanted, but they denied me due to illness. However, the police/sheriff's do not disqualify people with my medical problems and I meet the qualifications. I'm moving to either Tennessee or North Carolina in a few months. I have two homes I'm looking at in the mountains of NC and TN, and both come with a lot of acre's of land. I'm tired of living in South Carolina and I will never return here. I want to own my own land and live (somewhat) off the grid in the mountains of TN or NC. I want the peace and quiet that living in the mountains bring. I sometimes find myself wishing that you'd be with me when I make the move but I know better than that. You cheated on me with multiple people, at once. You lied to my face for more than half a year. And then you left me for one of your co-workers, the man you were cheating on me with, the same man that was got you into threesomes with strangers. You disgust me. Sometimes I hope you got an STD or two from having unprotected sex with strangers behind my back. But then I don't, because it's wrong to wish harm on others... I wish I was strong enough to just forget you completely and forever, to fall into indifference. But I loved you, I still love you, and I don't see that happening. I never want to see you again, and yet, I miss you.

I'm really missing you today.

I'm beginning to wonder if it's you I miss, or companionship.

What really gets to me out of all this though is that you held my illnesses against me. You actually were upset with me for being ILL. Like I choose to be born with diseases. It's not my fault that I'm sick. Yet you never heard me complaining about it or using my illnesses as excuses to not do my best. You told me over and over again that it was okay, that you loved me, and that you understood there would be difficulties with me and work due to illnesses, and yet, you lied. At the end of it all, it all came out. I hate you for that. You knew I was extremely conscious about it. You know I felt guilt about it, but you just had to kick me while I was down,

Talked about you with some good friends today while we stayed up all night, gaming, since none of us have to work today. I think it was the first time I've had a decent night since everything happened between us. I'm still unhappy, and all of my friends and family notice it because they don't fail to mention it every time they see me. But for the first time in weeks, I felt okay. Even if temporarily. I hate you for what you did to me, but I still love you. You are the piece of me that I wish I didn't need.

I'm just amazed that you could... run from what we used to have, so fast. Did you really care so little? I loved you more than anything else on this planet, and you said you loved me just the same, and yet you've moved on so easily in just a few short weeks. I'm not sure if I'm sad or angry.

As I was going to delete you from my contact lists in my emails, and Skype, I felt weak. You cheated on me, and you are making me out to be the bad guy to your friends and family, and then you took it a step further by completely cutting me out as you left me for another man. Yet... I felt guilty about deleting you from my contact lists. It was hard... I hesitated, but I forced myself to go through with it. I'm proud of myself but at the same time, deeply hurt. I sent you one last email. I called you out on being a manipulative, conniving person, but it didn't make me feel better. I wished you well at the end of the email, and I hope you see the email, but I don't want you to respond. I really do want you to be happy and have a good life. I just wish it could have been with me...