Working on borrowed time...

[MattW]

I know I shouldn't be, but lately, I've been thinking a lot about the last girl I was completely crazy about. For those who don't know the story, she and I work together. Last summer, I fell for her super hard, and I've never liked a girl the way I liked her. She turned down my advances in a confusing, yet straightforward way. I was a bit bummed, and our work relationship got a bit weird because of it.

 

She started seeing another guy (a former coworker I never particularly got along with), and when things got really bad between me and her, she basically told me, in the nicest possible way, to back off. I took responsibility for all the bad stuff and apologized to her, and let it slip how highly I think of her, which seemed to flatter her. After this conversation, we pretty much stopped talking altogether for months.

 

I still felt pretty upset by the whole thing, and over the last couple of months, she randomly started expressing concern for me, that I seemed upset. I just kinda blew her off. I couldn't exactly tell her the truth, yanno? Then, about a month ago, her boyfriend cheated on her (which seems to be a reoccurring issue for this girl...), and they split. Afterwards, she and I have started getting back to the nice, open, slightly flirty dynamic we had before any of this happened. She even did something kinda nice for me at work that she totally didn't have to do.

 

I'm glad things are better between us, but... Now that they are, I'm constantly being reminded of why I fell for her in the first place. Not only that, but I'm realizing I'm really on borrowed time, with her. I suspect within the next six months, she's going to be leaving for a new job; if not, I anticipate that I'll be finding a new job within the next twelve or so months. Either way, it means never seeing her again, and I really hate that idea.

 

I just wish things could be different. She's got a guy right in front of her that's awesome, and funny, and smart, a guy that respects her, and cares about her, and wouldn't do a thing to hurt her. She and I have so much in common, probably more than she even realizes. There's a certain chemistry there, and I guess she doesn't see that, but I really think we'd be good together. I wish I could tell her all of this. Heck, I wonder if it would even be appropriate to tell her how much I'll miss her, when she leaves.

 

But, she was nice about this stuff the first time. If I say anything again, and the answer is still no, I don't think she'll be so nice about it (and that would likely mean big trouble for me at work). Not to mention, I don't want our last moment together to be me making one last desperate plea to her, and her telling me to screw off. Still, I can't help but wonder about her, yanno?

 

I dunno. I just wish there were something I could say or do, but I realize what an impossible situation I'm in, and it just really sucks to be there.

[blueidealist24]

Don't say anything else to her related to romance etc., because you might get in trouble with the manager again. Plus, it seems like she won't appreciate you. It sounds like she has a history of going for guys who don't treat her that well. That's her issue, not yours, but please do not try to make any moves again if you want to keep your job and don't want to have a reputation as being creepy.

[offplanet]

The thing is, it's no use you being the only one of the two of you to think there's chemistry and to think you'd be great together. If that was the case she would think so too, and if she doesn't then there's nothing you can really do to change her mind. Therefore it'd be best not to bring it up with her again before she leaves. If she has some issue which makes her choose unreliable unfaithful guys then she can't really appreciate you anyway. You would be wasted on her.

[KarenC]

Regardless to what you think and/or feel just remember that actions speak louder than words.

 

I wouldn't even entertain her because I truly feel that the only reason that she's being nice to you is to either irritate the other guy or either because she feels that you're her crash-dummy.

 

SMH, I don't see how you can even trust her after all of that...Just saying!!!

 

If you fall for her then you deserve everything that you receive in the end because she has already shown you her true colors.

[MattW]

Don't say anything else to her related to romance etc., because you might get in trouble with the manager again. Plus, it seems like she won't appreciate you. It sounds like she has a history of going for guys who don't treat her that well. That's her issue, not yours, but please do not try to make any moves again if you want to keep your job and don't want to have a reputation as being creepy.

 

Yeah, I definitely see that it's a thin line to tread on. I think that IF I were to ever say anything, it wouldn't be until just before one of us leaves, because I don't think there would really be any repercussions at work, since one of us would be gone, anyway. But again, that's just an "if".

 

In a stupid way, I guess a part of me just wishes that after this last guy, maybe she'd rethink things and reevaluate stuff, and maybe see what's right in front of her. I know it's not my problem, and that her choice in guys is her issue, but I just really wish she could work through it and give a chance to a guy that wouldn't mistreat her.

 

The thing is, it's no use you being the only one of the two of you to think there's chemistry and to think you'd be great together. If that was the case she would think so too, and if she doesn't then there's nothing you can really do to change her mind. Therefore it'd be best not to bring it up with her again before she leaves. If she has some issue which makes her choose unreliable unfaithful guys then she can't really appreciate you anyway. You would be wasted on her.

 

I suppose. I'd prefer to think that she just doesn't see it. There have been plenty of times where I was too blinded by my own stupidity to see things; heck, with this girl, before I liked her, she was making a lot of efforts to reach out to me and get to know me, and I was actually kinda weirded out by that, and I even wanted her to leave me alone. But when she continued to persist, I took a step back and gave her some consideration, and that's when I fell for her.

 

So I dunno, I guess part of me just wishes she could have the realization about me. I don't feel that it's just my imagination that we have good chemistry; I'm confident that we do. Why she can't see it, herself, I don't know.

 

I wouldn't even entertain her because I truly feel that the only reason that she's being nice to you is to either irritate the other guy or either because she feels that you're her crash-dummy.

 

Well, I don't think the other guy has anything to do with anything, because he's not in the picture at all anymore. The three of us all used to work together, and I always thought he was a and I never got along with him, even before I had feelings for this girl. He left this job last fall, and then she and him started dating probably around the end of last year. Point is, he's not even around to "get irritated" about her being friendly to me. While they were dating, he'd occasionally pop into work to visit her, and he'd always give me this uncomfortable death glare, but now that they're broken up, he doesn't come around at all.

 

As for being a "crash dummy", I've often wondered whether or not she just uses me (not with any malicious intent) for that kind of fun flirty little dynamic, but I guess I have no way to really know for sure what she actually thinks of me.

 

SMH, I don't see how you can even trust her after all of that...Just saying!!!

 

I mean, it's not like she "betrayed" me, though, right? I just fell for her, she said no, she started dating someone else, I didn't handle it too well, and she set me straight. I'm hurt that she rejected me and that she chose instead to date a guy that would mistreat her, but I don't see why that would mean I can't trust her, yanno?

[Batya33]

Please don't tell people things they already know. She knows you're interested. Telling her again starts to be harassing. I've been rejected before -most of us have -stop with the "but I always get rejected" because as you write you are attracted to so few people. It's a numbers game.

[Ms Darcy]

This is how stalkers get started ... mistaking friendliness for flirting, rapore for attraction, concern for feelings. She DOES NOT LIKE YOU!!! It doesn't matter who else she likes and why. She has made it completely clear that she is not interested. And hoping she will "realize" some sort of attraction to you just because you want her to is a pointless exercise. You just need to get your mind right and stop thinking this way.

 

Acceptance. It is never going to happen with her.

[MattW]

This is how stalkers get started ... mistaking friendliness for flirting, rapore for attraction, concern for feelings. She DOES NOT LIKE YOU!!! It doesn't matter who else she likes and why. She has made it completely clear that she is not interested. And hoping she will "realize" some sort of attraction to you just because you want her to is a pointless exercise. You just need to get your mind right and stop thinking this way.

 

Acceptance. It is never going to happen with her.

 

Ugh. Can we stop with the whole "stalker" thing? I would never take things that far.

 

Look, I'm not proud of myself that I still have feelings for this girl. Do I believe anything will ever happen between me and her? Of course not. But I just can't stop feeling "something" for her, I can't stop wishing there could be some way, that she could change her mind, see things from a different perspective.

 

I've never been attracted to a girl the way I am with her. She's so much of what I want in a person that it's almost hard to believe. I can't help having trouble with it, because when I am ever going to meet another girl like this? Probably never. It's like I won the lottery, but lost the winning ticket before I could cash it in. That's just... hard to get over and move on from. This was the girl I've been looking for for years, and in a matter of months, I'll probably never see her again. How can I NOT feel bad about that?

[JulianaF57]

I'm surprised you think this is the perfect woman. From what you've written, I think she's a cretin. As you say, she has a great guy right in front of her, but prefers to be with other sorts of men. She flirts with you, knowing full-well that you are interested in her, and she apparently has no intentions of ever reciprocating that. I'm not impressed. You're young; the fact that you are seriously attracted for the first time is understandable. I think the best thing you could do here would be to take your own feelings seriously, have some self-regard, and avoid this woman until she's gone. And start dating the many, many lovely girls out there who will appreciate your attention.

[Wonderstruck]

Nobody's telling you that you can't feel bad about it, or feel extremely disappointed, frustrated and hurt by it. But that doesn't mean that you have the right to continue pursuing her when she's made it abundantly clear, MORE THAN ONCE, that she is absolutely NOT interested in you in that way.

 

Seriously, if she was interested in you, and you had asked her out, she would have jumped at the chance to date you. SHE DIDN'T. SHE TURNED YOU DOWN. Why? BECAUSE SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU. You honestly need to accept this already and move on with your life, because you are starting to sound REALLY creepy and obsessive. No wonder your co-workers became uncomfortable and reported you to the manager.

 

Just because she's being friendly, warm, and maybe even flirty towards you again, that doesn't mean that she's interested in a relationship. She's probably just letting her guard down around you again because you FINALLY backed off for awhile and maybe she thinks that your feelings have passed. Or maybe she is using you for an ego boost, because her ex-boyfriend cheated on her and she's feeling kind of low about herself right now, and she knows that you like her. But that doesn't mean that she's actually interested in you.

 

As for this supposed "amazing chemistry" that you two share, obviously it's not as incredible as you seem to think it is, or else she would have jumped at the chance to date you. She's had more than enough opportunities to either take you up on your date offer, or express a romantic interest in you. She hasn't. Because she's SIMPLY NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.

 

Honestly, you need to respect her decision, respect the fact that she DOESN'T feel this unbelievable chemistry that you've decided that you two share, and accept that it's never going to happen. And you know what? YOU'RE NOT ENTITLED TO HAVE IT HAPPEN. Honestly, your sense of entitlement in this situation is staggering. You think that simply because you're head over heels for this girl, and you wouldn't mistreat her, that you deserve a shot with her. Guess what? YOU DON'T. Just because you're a "nice guy" who would treat her well, who gets along with her, and has romantic feelings for her, that doesn't mean that her decision not to date you is "wrong". She's not "missing what's right in front of her". She's clearly seen what's right in front of her, and she's just not interested.

 

She's not obligated to have feelings for every single guy who has feelings for her. LEAVE IT ALONE AND BACK OFF. I can see this ending really embarrassingly badly for you if you don't.

[MattW]

@ Glitz&Glitter

 

Please don't put words in my mouth. I'm not saying she's "obligated" to do anything, or that I'm "entitled" to anything. Again, I'm not stupid and crazy enough to go way over the line. Honestly, I'm not really planning to DO anything. This is all just thoughts and stuff swirling through my head due to my emotions. I have enough of a grip not to do something TOO stupid.

 

Anyway, it's not about what she's "obligated" to or what I'm "entitled" to. I just don't understand why she doesn't feel something for me. I'm not saying "She has to!" or anything silly like that, I just genuinely don't understand why she isn't attracted to me. I understand that it's not my place to know that, and I get that. I do. It just frustrates the hell out of me, because we really are so good together. I don't feel I'm imagining or making up the level of chemistry that exists between me and her; that's not something I typically feel with girls, or most people, for that matter, so that's why I believe so strongly that we do have a certain chemistry.

 

It's just extremely difficult for me. Look at my life... I almost never find a girl I'm even a little attracted to, then all of a sudden, here comes a girl that has everything I want in a partner, but I don't get to be with them. All I can do is sit back, feeling sad and confused, wondering why not, hating that the one opportunity I've gotten with a great girl is just gone, and having to live with the fact that it'll be years before another awesome girl comes along, and god knows if she'll be any more into me than this girl. I'm not seriously considering saying or doing anything to further pursue this girl. Deep down, I KNOW the way things are. You guys don't have to keep telling me. I GET where I stand with this girl, I really do. But because of the way my life is, I just can't get rid of the attachment, and the knowledge that the time I have left to spend with her is coming to a close is making me feel even more upset.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Glitz. The stalker reference is about mentality more than actions. You think about her from your own perspective. It sounds like you are a lonely guy who took a shining to a girl who was nice to you.

 

You didn't lose a lottery ticket. She was never yours. There is nothing for her to realize.

 

Again, this is about you not having enough love in your life that you are unable to let go of a fantasy.

[MattW]

You didn't lose a lottery ticket. She was never yours. There is nothing for her to realize.

 

I was just trying to be metaphorical. What I'm getting at is, I spend years being unable to find a girl I feel any kind of attraction towards, and then all of a sudden, the universe puts in my path a girl that is everything I want, except, I don't get to be with her. The universe just felt the need to "be a tease", to "dangle a carrot in front of my face", and now I'm back to having nothing, and it sucks, because I saw a really great thing for myself, but in the end, I didn't actually get to have it.

 

Again, this is about you not having enough love in your life that you are unable to let go of a fantasy.

 

Well, that's just great. So now what?

[Ms Darcy]

Guys and girls get rejected all the time. I believe the universe presents opportunities and people can choose to take them or not. She chose not. No carrot dangling ... no intent to tease.

 

What are you doing to seek friends?

[MattW]

Guys and girls get rejected all the time. I believe the universe presents opportunities and people can choose to take them or not. She chose not. No carrot dangling ... no intent to tease.

 

What are you doing to seek friends?

 

Just for reference, I wasn't calling her a "tease", just so nobody thinks that. I meant that the universe is a "tease", at least for me, because it always seems to make me feel like ****, then it'll give me a glimmer of hope, only to pull it away when I reach for it.

 

As for friends, and all that, I've kinda just stopped pursuing people for the moment, and I've just been trying to keep myself company. Was hoping when I started at a new educational program that I'd meet and befriend my classmates, but all the people I wanted to befriend ended up dropping out of the class, and now I'm pretty much left with a handful of middle-aged women and a guy or two that I don't have much in common with.

 

So, for now, I'm done "reaching" every time the universe teases me. If/ when I feel motivated again to "reach", I'll "reach" for the next opportunity that presents itself. But right now, I just don't see the point. Perhaps this is just what my life is. I dunno.

[blueidealist24]

 

As for being a "crash dummy", I've often wondered whether or not she just uses me (not with any malicious intent) for that kind of fun flirty little dynamic, but I guess I have no way to really know for sure what she actually thinks of me.

 

 

Exactly. She thinks you're a fun guy to talk to or flirt with at work, but has no strong romantic feelings for you or a desire to have a relationship with you. I think she's kind of superficial or at least doesn't have the depth that you do. I especially think this because she chooses to date players, seemingly because they are good looking. If she's the kind of girl I think she is (I'm not saying skanky or anything, just kind of perky and light), she'd probably flirt with any guy who crossed her path, as long as he wasn't completely disgusting.

 

I still wouldn't say anything to her about being interested even if you or she was leaving. If you were leaving, she could still say something to the manager and you might get a bad reference for another job. If she was leaving, she could still say something because she'd be worried that you would do the same thing with another girl. You're not currently a stalker, but I see why some people are bringing it up, since some guys will easily jump from what you are doing to actually stalking the girl.

[Ms Darcy]

We don't really have any information on the kind of person she is. All we know is she turned him down and has dated guys who have cheated on her. We don't know if she is flirting with matt or if he is overinterpreting friendliness. I don't think it's fair to judge someone harshly based on the perceptions of someone who was rejected by her.

[Wonderstruck]

I agree with Glitz. The stalker reference is about mentality more than actions. You think about her from your own perspective. It sounds like you are a lonely guy who took a shining to a girl who was nice to you.

 

Ms. Darcy, this observation is so brilliant, I keep coming back to it. Perfectly phrased, and hits the nail on the head. I think this could apply to a lot of people, in a lot of different situations.

 

It makes me think of the line "You see us as you want to see us" from the movie "The Breakfast Club".

 

Matt, if you take anything away from this thread, let it be this bolded comment. It sums up everything perfectly.

 

If she's the kind of girl I think she is (I'm not saying skanky or anything, just kind of perky and light), she'd probably flirt with any guy who crossed her path, as long as he wasn't completely disgusting.

 

Although I completely agree with Ms. Darcy that we shouldn't be making any assumptions about this girl, I wouldn't be surprised if this turned out to be the case.

 

We don't know if she is flirting with Matt or if he is overinterpreting friendliness.

 

Exactly, and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if it's the latter.

[MattW]

Eh, well, to be fair, I never intentionally tried to label anything me and this girl have said to each other as "flirting". Honestly, I still don't even know what "flirting" is. All I know is, she and I have the same sense of humor, and the same outlooks on a lot of things. There's a certain "playfulness" and a level of banter she and I share. Whether it's considered "flirting", I don't really know, but whatever it is, I like it, and no other girls really "play" with me the way she always does.

 

In other words, I'm not trying to make it out like she "led me on", or anything like that. I don't know whether the dynamic I have/ had with her is "unique" or not. I just know that I liked it, and at the time, it always felt like we were both a bit titillated by each other. Maybe it was just me, maybe it wasn't, I'm not claiming to know one way or another. It's not like I was so desperate to live in some fantasy world that I completely imagined all of this, though; honestly, when we first really started talking and bonded, she was the one that was persistently trying to get me to talk to her. For a brief time, I was actually weirded out by how persistent she was, and I kinda wanted her to leave me alone. Even when I started seeing her in a different light, I was initially very resistant to admitting to myself that I had feelings for her, because at the time, I had already written off the idea of me finding anyone, and I didn't want to allow myself to have feelings for someone because that ruined the mindset I was trying to adhere to. Eventually, I just gave in, and now I'm living with the results of that.

 

If she's the kind of girl I think she is (I'm not saying skanky or anything, just kind of perky and light), she'd probably flirt with any guy who crossed her path, as long as he wasn't completely disgusting.

 

Eh... I don't know that that sounds accurate to me. If I had to describe her... Well, how about this. Let me think of someone that's relatively well-known to compare her personality to. I'd say an actress that reminds me a lot of this girl in terms of personality is Emma Stone (or at least, a lot of the characters I've seen her play in movies).

[blueidealist24]

 

Eh... I don't know that that sounds accurate to me. If I had to describe her... Well, how about this. Let me think of someone that's relatively well-known to compare her personality to. I'd say an actress that reminds me a lot of this girl in terms of personality is Emma Stone (or at least, a lot of the characters I've seen her play in movies).

 

Oh yeah, sorry, I do remember you describing her in the past as being like Emma Stone. So, not totally like I was thinking..