RGS Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I posted a couple if days ago about my ex randomly getting in touch after 3-4 months of NC after breaking up last July. He sent a friendly email to which we had a couple of friendly exchanges and now he's gone AWOL again it's driving me crazy!! I wish he hadn't botherd getting back in touch I was doing fine but now I feel like he's set me back again Why get in touch only to immediately go AWOL?! Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Ask him not to contact you anymore Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Because it feeds his ego that you respond. He gets a snack, and goes on his merry way. Your title says he is "driving you up the wall". If you don't want it, stop getting in the "car" (meaning exchange of texts) with him. The choice is yours. You keep making the wrong one every 3-4 months and think the next time will be different. Why? Link to comment
6220MJ Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Maybe he just wanted to test the waters to see if what was there was still there? Maybe he was looking for some attention, you gave it him and now he has had his fix, he has gone, until next time? Maybe he feels he needs to run and hide after some feelings may have redeveloped and surfaced? Maybe he feels like contacting you may cause you to act like this and realised it's best to leave you alone? It's one of those situations that only he knows why and you need to be strong to prevent his actions from affecting your life. The only person who can protect you and do the best thing for you right now is yourself. Link to comment
RGS Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 Thanks guys I shouldn't have responded but I felt rude not to as we didn't have a bad break up and we've always been amicable. I didn't actually realise how it would affect me until he started playing games again. I don't think he knows what he wants. I expect he'll contact in a few days if I don't contact him so ill have to remain strong! Link to comment
Snow Bird Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 This is what I would do: Make up your mind if you email or text with him again, that you will tell him straight up that if he is going to contact you, then he needs to be consistent, otherwise stop contacting you. That will either have him stay or he will go away for good. I think in your situation it's probably better to tell him to leave you alone the next time he contacts you. But it's up to you, of course. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Thanks guys I shouldn't have responded but I felt rude not to as we didn't have a bad break up and we've always been amicable. I didn't actually realise how it would affect me until he started playing games again. I don't think he knows what he wants. I expect he'll contact in a few days if I don't contact him so ill have to remain strong! If he had only done it once, your thinking would hold water. But this is his 3rd or 4th attempt in a year. Hit and run. Stop responding. Link to comment
RGS Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 Do you think he does know what he wants then but is just mucking me around?! So annoyed! Link to comment
No1 Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I don't think he knew that emailing you was going to have an effect on you. There could be hundreds of reasons as to why, so the best thing is to not try to figure it out. Is he really worth the energy tho? Just accept that he did then delete the email. Don't respond unless you really really want to, but know that if you do, its probably doing to hurt you emotionally. You replied once, remember how awful you felt and keep that when he contacts you again. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Yes, he knows what HE wants. A quick response from you, and eqo stroke and he is on his way. Does he care how this affects you --- I don't think he knows, or cares. Probably thinks you take it as lightly has he does. What he doesn't want --- it to get back together. Link to comment
darkheart85 Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 He wanted attention plain and simple. Some people need that constant reassurance and will get it anywhere they can. Nothing good comes from bringing something from your past back into your life. Leave things where they are and stop responding. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Thanks guys I shouldn't have responded but I felt rude not to as we didn't have a bad break up and we've always been amicable. I didn't actually realise how it would affect me until he started playing games again. I don't think he knows what he wants. I expect he'll contact in a few days if I don't contact him so ill have to remain strong! I took AWOL to mean that he just stopped responding to you mid-flow, but now I'm confused (it doesn't take much admittedly) because you said that if you don't contact him he will contact you again. Do you mean if you don't chase him up? Honestly if this cycle has been going on for a year then I think it is high time you stopped it. If he did go AWOL then I don't think you need worry about being rude by not replying in the future because it seems he doesn't care. Link to comment
iam42 Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 he contacts you because he thinks of you, but he has not chosen to integrate you into his life in a consistent or meaningful way. what is the nature of the correspondence? what were the reasons for the breakup? did you all agree to be friends going forward? Link to comment
RGS Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 Hey thanks for all the replies everyone really helpful! I'm not sure which one to reply to first but basically we were last in touch in April, we'd been for dinner had a really nice time, had been in touch and i suggested going for a drink the second week in May... he said it was too far in advance to plan that far ahead and that he'd go for a drink in but he didnt know when it'd be, it'd probably be a last minute thing. That was the last contact i'd had from him. I hadnt heard from him so i drew the line until he contacted me on Friday. His message on Friday simply said "Hola, how are you?! Sorry i havent been in touch for a while... you must be in your element in this weather I replied and said it was nice to hear from him and that i'd just got back from Slovenia and asked about a trip i knew he'd had planned.. so we had a couple of chatty emails bascially about holidays. The last one i replied to he just hasnt replied to.. i suspect he will at some point but this is repeating the pattern of earlier on in the year and it's just too stressful. So he'll be in touch act all friendly and as soon as there's a good interaction going on he just disappears for a few days before respoonding. So in terms of why we broke up well we got back from an amazing holiday and i noticed him distancing himself. I asked if he still wanted to be in a relationship and he said he wasnt sure he thought he was making a stupid decision but he just didnt think he was ready to settle down. We then met up last October and he asked me if i'd met anyone special ( i think he was confused why i was so ok).. he was crying and said sometimes he thinks he made the right decision somtimes he doesnt.. At that time i said to him we couldnt be friends. I then had a weak moment in January and contacted him and it was intermittent contact from then until April. It's so hard, i dont want to cut him off because if i'm honest i do still care about him but it's also hard being in touch. Link to comment
RGS Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 a-little-blue now you have all the info do you think it sitll counts as going AWOL? Basically this time i didnt chase him up and he got in contact.. there was no reason to it was so far on from our last contact it was the ideal time to NOT be in contact if you see what i mean. Link to comment
iam42 Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 he sounds commitment-phobic, at least where you're concerned. he retreats because he doesn't want you to build any expectations. all must be on his terms: contact, when/if you see each other, level of emotional involvement, etc. I don't think you should let it drive you up the wall. just know that he will have an almost reactive aversion to anything that you want from him. so if you ask for a drink, he'll disappear. you ask for help, he'll disappear. you invite him out or initiate contact too regularly, he'll disappear... none of this means that he doesn't like, admire, or possibly even want you. but he doesn't want to give (of) himself to you. Link to comment
RGS Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 Why would he be so scared though, because it makes him vulnerable? I think he does think quite highly of me because there's not a lot of girls who walk away with their head held high and just get on with things (thank god he doesn't see my posts on ena haha!) Whilst he was busy crying last November he said that I'm a lot stronger than him whatever that means... (I'm most definitly not but I don't show my weakness to him anyway) Link to comment
iam42 Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 fear of vulnerability, fear of enmeshment, fear of losing freedom, fear of responsibility. you seem to have a fear of vulnerability and a fear of intimacy. is that why you're somewhat fixated on this slippery man? Link to comment
RGS Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 I don't have a fear of vulnerability or intimacy, I'd be married to him now if he hadn't ended it.. That said I never do seem to be attracted to the guys who wear their hearts on their sleeves- I'm not sure why though! I'm trying! I have a date on Friday with a guy who's pretty heart on sleeve but I have an awful feeling it will put me off.. I just don't find it manly and I like manly men... No doubt this comment will now cause uproar now on ENA lol! Link to comment
iam42 Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 it's good that you're still dating. sometimes emotionally honest and vulnerable men are still "manly." anyway, the reason I asked if you have a fear of intimacy or vulnerability is that it doesn't seen that you've let your ex know how much he's hurt you, or how his behaviors continue to confuse and hurt you. I, for one, was ashamed of my broken heart. I've never let my ex know how deeply it hurt to lose him but that's because I no longer trust the emotional space between us - which is inevitable after a breakup... Link to comment
RGS Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 No I have never let him know but because I don't see what good it would do. when we broke up I said that I loved him and didn't want to break up but if he doesn't want a relationship there's not much I can do I'm sure ill be fine. Ive never shown him my emotions because it will freak him out. He can't handle emotion but do you think I should just go for it and tell him all, even if he will go running for the hills (guaranteed)?! Link to comment
iam42 Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I definitely do NOT think you should confide in him. you'd be left with your broken heart in your hands, tender and exposed. no, no, no. my questions were for you - as relationships, breakups, and recovery processes are such wonderful opportunities for self-analysis.... Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I definitely do NOT think you should confide in him. you'd be left with your broken heart in your hands, tender and exposed. no, no, no. my questions were for you - as relationships, breakups, and recovery processes are such wonderful opportunities for self-analysis.... If it's all the same to you --- I don't want to do that again!!! (the break up and recovery process!) Link to comment
RGS Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 Haha mhowe do you mean my break up and recovery or yours? Although I can't imagine you'd want to do either again.. Link to comment
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