Torn between my disapproving parents and the love of my life (the ex)

[pandorasbox1]

Hi guys, its been a while. Anyway, the ex and I are reconciling and have been for quite some time now. We have been trying to work out the kinks in our previous relationship and start a new one. We both spent time apart to think about what went wrong and how to change. So far things have been progressively better.... but there have still been a few hiccups here and there. The point is, we dont see our lives without one another and for some reason, we keep coming back together. He has been making an effort and I have been working on myself more to not be sooooo co-dependent.

 

The only problem is both him and I live at home still for financial reasons. We are both currently studying and the cost of living here is so high so its not really possible to move in together till I finish my full time degree.

 

Anyway... My parents dont really approve of the relationship as before they really cared for him and made sure he felt part of the family. They didnt like the way he hurt me even though they acknowledge that the relationship failure was as much my fault as it was his. Im so close to my parents that them disapproving is tearing me apart. They sometimes make comments trying to dissuade me from this reconciliation. They also do not want him near the house while they are here... This makes seeing each other difficult. We are taking things slow and I also do not expect my parents to welcome him back with open arms but I expect some support or at least faith...

 

They are convinced that I am making a mistake and that I will live to regret it even though I have personally examined every possible outcome of this and I am willing to put my heart on the line again for this guy. I guess im guilty of telling my parents too much and now it is haunting me

 

Do you think they will come around eventually? They have said numerous times that they dont hate him and they like him as a person.

 

Their issue is also with the way in which he didnt do dishes when he came to visit but I always did them for him as I was washing my own anyway.... They still see fault with this...

 

I just dont know what to do. Im so angry at them. Im livid and im filled with a bit of resentment to be honest... I feel a lot like they are being hypocrites as they arent perfect either and there have been numerous threats of divorce and even cheating but somehow they see their relationship as perfect or not available for scrutiny simply because they are "married" and never ACTUALLY got a divorce.

 

I really love this guy and although he hurt me, and I hurt him, we want to be together and we want to work on things and we have been. In many ways I think the breakup was healthy and needed.

 

My parents opinions are hurting me and I feel torn. I feel like they are inadvertently making me choose and this in turn makes me feel guilty for wanting to be with him and it affects my mood when I am with him so much so that Im scared im going to give up on him and us for the sake of my parents happiness.

 

Please help... I need advice and support on what to do or how to handle this situation... Im too mad to even speak or trust my parents with my feelings or thoughts or opinions simply because they get bulldozed and thus they will never see my side of the story.

 

Help!!!

[Snow Bird]

I can tell you that no matter how old a child gets, the parent always sees them as their child (most parents do anyway). Your parents are no exception to this it appears. They aren't looking at you having a relationship as just anyone. You are their child. A good parent goes to bat for their child and protects them. They see this man has hurt you, and therefore he's an enemy (not as strong as that but you probably get what I mean). I can tell you that if someone hurt my child, no matter how much I liked them at first, I would not be happy they came back into my child's life. However, this is how a parent sees it. It doesn't mean they are right not to consider your feelings. There are two things parents have the most difficult time doing.. letting the child leave the nest and/or letting the child make their own mistakes (they see this as a mistake you're making. I am not saying you are making one). Parents have to learn to let go when their children come of age and hope they taught them the best way to live and right from wrong. The child has to live their life and learn from their mistakes just as they did. They are being the protective parent. It's normal.

 

My advice to you: You have to respect your parents wishes as it's their house and you live there. So if they don't want him there, you have to respect that. Perhaps after a little time they will get over their resentment towards him. If they see after a period of time that he's treating you well, then maybe they will let up on that house rule of not letting him around there. I am not sure what to say about it if you are paying for your keep there. If so that might give you more leverage as far as him coming around. I am not sure about that. All I can say is you have to give things time. They don't trust him because he hurt you.

[physjo]

Raine91 I could have written your post myself, the difference being I am a lot older than you, in my 40 s and have my own home.

My ex and I are talking about what went wrong in our relationship and deciding if we can work out the issues and work towards reconciling.

My parents have told me he will never be welcome in their home again and basically gave me an ultimatum.

I understand how it feels to be torn, but the only thing I coud say was I am a grown up, I appreciate their concern, but I am fully aware of the risks and it is my decision. I told them I would never come to them for support again., and wouldn't be discussing this again.

They have since apologised, but it is extremely hard for some parents to see their children as adults and to stop trying to exert some control over their lives.

You have to make your choices based on you, try not to feel guilt, but remember they think they are looking to protect you.

I hope you can resolve this x

[Edmund Exley]

Parents often forget they give you life for YOU to live, not for them to live for you. If this person is the love of your life, are you willing to never have that chance again and be unhappy, just so your parents can be happy? The kind of happy that they actually have no right to, because its supposed to be yours.