Afraid to begin dating again....Afraid of another broken heart

[JSHRN]

I am almost 10 weeks post-breakup and still feel the pain. I still struggle with this everyday and just want to move on already but I haven't been able to. I feel that once I begin dating again and begin another (healthier) relationship I will be able to move on. However, I am so afraid of having my heart broken again. I don't mean to sound like a pessimist, but I am incredibly afraid of another broken heart and really feel that would send me over the edge permanently.

 

Pre-breakup it was a short but intense 4 month relationship (but not without issues) so I'm concerned as to why I'm still struggling with this. (Please don't mention the fact that I still work with her, because, honestly, I struggle more with this outside of work).

 

I have joined a dating service in my hometown in the hopes of meeting another like-minded single whose hearts we can mutually capture. But I have not taken advantage of it because I am so afraid of getting hurt again. I know I'm not going anywhere by not using the dating service. But I also need to move on from my ex.

[Ms Darcy]

You are clearly not ready to date. Not in any sense of the word "ready" al alllllll.

[JSHRN]

You are clearly not ready to date. Not in any sense of the word "ready" al alllllll.

 

Why do you say that?

[SooSad33]

Js- the signs are there. YOU are still suffering. You're still afraid and good to realize this and not move on yet.

YOU need to work on you. WHY feel the need to rush into anything anyways, right now?

You should move on, when you feel completely right. why rush into something new again only to risk hurting another gal and yourself, again???

Wait.. take some down time, work on YOU.

Then.. someday you WILL feel ready again. Best to wait, for sure.

[Hansolo]

Read this once and kept it in my phone and read it often:

 

Loneliness becomes a problem when the untrained mind reacts negatively to life changes. Our mind clings to, craves or grasps at a different event or outcome. We attempt to change the reality of life to fit the reality we want out of it. This clinging creates suffering. When you love someone, get close to someone, you sign up for the possibility of pain. The origin of all suffering is attachment to transient things and denial of the very nature of life, which is impermanence.

 

I hope this helps you as much as it helped me. I know your situation all too well JSHRN because I am living through a similar phase as you in my life. Stay strong and remember that this too shall pass.

 

Best wishes.

[rocko123]

Pain is a part of it, unfortunately. If you're not ready to experience pain, you're not ready to date.

 

Check out "If the Buddha Dated" by Charlotte Kasl. It touches on a lot of this.

[Snow Bird]

Read this once and kept it in my phone and read it often:

 

Loneliness becomes a problem when the untrained mind reacts negatively to life changes. Our mind clings to, craves or grasps at a different event or outcome. We attempt to change the reality of life to fit the reality we want out of it. This clinging creates suffering. When you love someone, get close to someone, you sign up for the possibility of pain. The origin of all suffering is attachment to transient things and denial of the very nature of life, which is impermanence.

 

I hope this helps you as much as it helped me. I know your situation all too well JSHRN because I am living through a similar phase as you in my life. Stay strong and remember that this too shall pass.

 

Best wishes.

 

I agree with this ^^^^ I think you aren't ready to date again yet hun. I think you might be trying to find someone to help you get over it completely. Dating is probably the worst thing you can do right now. Continue your healing process, sign up for a new hobby, do something you always wanted to do. Keep your mind occupied.. busy busy busy. When you catch yourself thinking about her tell yourself firmly "NO" and force your mind to think about the can of beans in front of you. You know what I mean? When you're ready to date again, you will know it. Anytime anyone enters into a new relationship and/or the dating scene again, it's a possibility it will either be right or you get hurt again. Until you are ready to take that gamble again, you need to stay away from dating. This is from my own personal experience.. more than once hun.

[Ms Darcy]

Why do you say that?

 

I think the other posters answered that question very well.

[Cherry009]

 

Loneliness becomes a problem when the untrained mind reacts negatively to life changes.

 

Hmmm not really true. You don't have to go through a life change to feel loneliness.

[Hansolo]

Hmmm not really true. You don't have to go through a life change to feel loneliness.

 

 

Very true Cherry, some people can live wonderful and happy lives and still feel lonely. I feel it is more in how we deal with the feelings and accept that they are temporary and changing, like the weather -sometimes sunshine, sometimes rain...

[darkheart85]

I think in Hansolo's case the point was the life change is losing your significant other. I agree you just aren't ready to get back to dating yet. You need to be happy and content with yourself before you try to date again because if you depend on someone else for it then you're doomed to fail. Why rush? Hang out with friends, pursue activities you enjoy. You'll still think about her, but time heals all wounds. 10 weeks isn't a long time when you figure you dated for four months (that doesn't include the time before you actually started dating) and considering you work together.

[Throwaway999]

I feel ya, I was in the same boat after my breakup - for some reason I had this "gotta get back up on that horse" attitude, like I had to start dating immediately. It became clear pretty quickly that this was a bad idea, though.

 

It has been some months now, and I'm almost thinking that I might be ready at this point, but I also sometimes will look at an attractive woman and think "I can see where this is going - AND IT'S NOT WORTH THE TROUBLE."

 

It is funny because I will go back and forth, like sometimes I'll think "I just want a nice, normal girl" but then if I see potential with a girl that seems nice and normal my standards shoot way up, because I think "If I am just going to get my heart stepped on again, she better be a drop-dead gorgeous PhD or something for it to even be worth the hassle!"

 

But you can't avoid pain in life. I assume eventually one's human need for love and companionship (and, you know, horniness) will override common sense and I'll be in a relationship again. It seems like after each of my previous relationships, I went through this period where I was like "NEVER AGAIN!" but then somehow I ended up in another relationship in spite of myself...