His First Lie

[shortchica]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months, 7 of which we lived two hours apart. I always trusted him (which is rare for me in a long distance situation; I tend to get jealous) to a reasonable extent.

 

I would stay nearly every weekend with him, but obviously sometimes things come up and we'd skip a weekend. A female friend of his (let's call her Mary) who is very flirty with him on Facebook wanted to hang out with the two of us so she could meet me. It happened to be during a weekend we were skipping, so since I wasn't going to be in town, he told me he was just going to go to lunch with her the two of them. I told him I wasn't comfortable with it and that we should wait until the following weekend when I was in town. He was a little inquisitive as to why I wasn't comfortable with it, but since we had a similar situation on my end with hanging out with a guy alone, he understood. I asked if they had ever dated, he said no, that they were workout buddies. A few weeks later, I asked if he ever went out to lunch with her, and he said no. Hanging out with her was never discussed again.

 

Flash forward about 5-6 months, I noticed a post-it note on his desk with about 10 names. I recognized his most recent ex's name, my own, and Mary's name, so I asked what it was. He got really embarrassed, crumpled it up, threw it away, and tried to avoid it. When I asked again what it was, he said it was a list of girlfriends he had. (I'm hoping and assuming this is attached to a conversation we had at the beginning of our relationship, just asking each other questions about past relationships in which we asked each other how many we have had.) I asked him why Mary's name was on there, because he said they never dated.

 

He said they dated back in college, but never slept together, so he didn't think it was a big deal to go out to lunch with her, and he lied because he didn't want me to worry. I know it's not a huge lie, but every one of my past relationships started their downhill spirals this way - one little lie to "avoid hurt feelings," then more and bigger lies. My boyfriend is the first guy I've dated that I have really, truly trusted. I expressed this sentiment to him, and it took him realizing that I wasn't angry, but hurt, for him to sit down and apologize. He told me this was the only thing he was ever untruthful about and that I'm the only one he's interested in and that he intends to marry me. I felt consoled, but there's still that lingering thought in the back of my head.

 

To find out he lied about an ex girlfriend in order to go to lunch with her really worries me. I find myself doubting things he tells me now, wondering what else he has lied about or is lying about.

 

Am I blowing this out of proportion?

[LonelyGirl10]

I don't think you're blowing it out of proportion. You asked him a question, and he should have answered it honestly. And honestly... I wonder whether the list was really ex-girlfriends, or sexual partners. People rarely need to make a list of serious relationships. You just know that information already. But I know several people who have made a list of sexual partners.

 

Regardless, I think that lying about stuff like that is a red flag. There's been so many times in my past that I wish I had listened to my gut feeling when discovering a little lie like that, because it would have prevented a ton of pain later when the little lies turn into huge lies.

[HeartGoesOn]

He said they dated back in college, but never slept together, so he didn't think it was a big deal to go out to lunch with her, and he lied because he didn't want me to worry.

 

I'm not buying that at all, in fact that statement should be an insult to your intelligence. When someone has nothing to hide, they hide nothing.

 

Be careful, and guard your heart...

[shortchica]

I've made a new discovery since making this post. What do you make of this:

 

A while after the initial idea to hang out (probably a month or two later) she "pokes" me on Facebook. I poke her back, and she texts my boyfriend saying "your girlfriend is poking me on Facebook," like it's supposed to be some sort of issue. He asked why I was poking her, and when I said she did it first, it wasn't mentioned again. (I know, how old are we? Ridiculous.)

Today when I logged on, Facebook reminded me that she poked me 4 months ago and asked if I wanted to poke her back. I opened her Facebook page and saw that she and my boyfriend are no longer friends on Facebook. Hm.

I'm now wrestling with some new questions. 1) If he really wanted me to meet her and if he really wanted to go to lunch with her because she's just a friend, why are they no longer friends on Facebook? 2) Is it a good thing that they're no longer friends (she finally moved on, he didn't want to upset me, etc.) or does it mean that there was something going on and they called it quits?

 

I hadn't looked at her Facebook in a while, so it's possible it happened a while ago (which would still raise the above questions) or that he de-friended her this weekend after my discovery to make me feel more comfortable. I wouldn't know either way.

 

What should I make of this, if anything?

[Iggles]

That's suspicious.. You've caught him in a lie and while you don't have any proof that something was going on between them, asking him why they're not friends anymore will likely yield another lie from him.

 

I'd find him hard to trust and step back from the relationship honestly.. His behavior regarding this girl is shady and it feels like he's gaslighting you when you bring up legitimate concerns.

 

Trust your gut, OP. And remember, he's shown you a side of him that you do not like -- don't disregard this in favor of wanting him to be how you thought he was was. This shady side is a part of him too, just as his good sides are.

[Heartbreakcity]

Please trust your gut. My first love, and reason why I am on this board, told me a few little 'white' lies within the first 6 months of us dating. As time went on, they got worse and I ignored it all because I loved him and wanted to believe he was telling me the truth.

 

Please, please, PLEASE listen to your gut instinct.

[lerenard]

can it be a list of women he slept with instead?