Female Ex Afraid of Commitment (?)

[jbdk]

Since emerging problems in my former relationship, I've been posting several times to this website in various sections of the forums. The story goes, I had an overseas LDR with a woman that was fantastic. I could sense a great love coming from her, which was progress because she was slow to warm and share emotions. She had several issues which made her distant from not only me but many many people. Eventually, I felt in-love and brave enough to discuss moving to my country to start a life together, which ironically she mentioned first. I got excited and started the plans. I don't know if it was related or not, but this was around the time the distance and coldness began to emerge from her. I would ask her about the way she felt in regards to moving to be with me and I would get very non-committal responses from her; she wouldn't want to make a decision either way. I made plans to fly out and she her, which was a big step for me considering the expenses and that I didn't speak the language. While I was there, she was cold, distant, unsympathetic towards me, and judgmental and nit-picky to the point of being mean(she said she was upset that she paid for more things than she should've, even though I spent a lot of money just going over there to see her). 2 days after I returned home, she removed our relationship status on Facebook and pictures too without saying anything to me about it. Then she began ignoring me. I asked her what was going on and she said that nothing was wrong. A few days later, she was confused and wanted a break for about a week. And a week after that she mentioned that she had problems that continued to cloud her mind and she didn't want to torture me with that current state of the relationship, so things came to "the logical end" in her words. She said this to me in a very short message and said we could talk if I wanted. I agreed to it, but the two times we scheduled, she blew me off without an excuse or contact. The second time she blew me off, I simply stopped contacting her and we haven't spoken or been in contact for what will be nearly three weeks now.

 

I've been struggling with finding the real reasons why she turned from so hot to so cold. A lot of people say there is someone else in the picture, but I highly doubt it not only because she told me that she didn't need a man in her life at this time but because how her demeanor is--but I could be wrong. I started to read up on people who are afraid of commitment and she seemed to fall under a lot of recurring examples that were given. I looked at one article that looked at people who were afraid of commitment as people who had an actual mental disorder. My ex has had history of depression for a long time and has never seemed truly happy. A 'symptom' that really stuck with me was "someone will talk themselves out of a relationship if there is a fear (rational or otherwise) of the relationship not working or lasting".

 

Basically, I wanted to know about others' experiences with females with commitment issues. I heard tons of excuses why the relationship could not work after proposing the HUGE move of countries (which I understand would have been an extremely large change for her, but still...), but anytime I would find ways to continue her life as it was, she would sheepishly counteract those ideas with reasons why that may fail too. So fear of commitment can be for many reasons, but I feel this may have been something that she talked herself out of because it's easier to not commit to any decision (she really didn't even confidently break up with me with the "logical end" statement). I know speculating won't help me heal, but I feel that researching these concepts help me get my mind off of the actual aspects of the relationship and help me focus on a different activity instead of my ex and my worry.

 

Hopefully there have been similar scenarios that can help provide some perspective to this passed situation.

[Edmund Exley]

If someone is unable to commit, there is nothing you can do to change that. Instead of "researching these concepts" accept that its something only she can change and do other things to take your mind off of her, like focusing on you and finding someone who is able to commit and wants to commit to you.

[Snow Bird]

It's possible you will never find out why she behaved that way. It could be a true disorder and it could be another guy. Is she from a country where it's normal practice for the family to arrange marriages? It's a thought. I feel for you because it does suck needing closure and answers and you can't seem to get any. My first love threw me out of the house years ago, and treated me like dirt under his shoe.. didn't care where I went etc.. and it was in a foreign country. For months I kept asking myself why he would do that to me. Why? Why? I never got the answer to that.. but I was so busy looking for answers that I forgot to see what was right in front of my face.. he didn't love me, not to the depth that I loved him. It was that simple.. but I tortured myself for months with those questions. My point is, I hope you do find some kind of closure. But it's possible you won't get the kind of closure you're looking for. Perhaps researching this disorder will help, but she hasn't been officially diagnosed with it, so you can't be sure that is 100% what was going on with her. It could be something completely different, such as she was looking for a green card possibility and found a "rich" man instead kind of thing. who knows?????

[jbdk]

Like I said, I know that seeking out the answer for this probably won't help the healing process. But I'm looking to see if there have been others in this situation. It's not a desperate attempt to fix a problem and try to get my ex back; it's more along the lines of seeing what really went wrong and if it can even be identified. I know closure comes from within, but if I can find something that seems to somewhat fit then I feel that I will be able to stop speculating on other things that may have went wrong. I have been no contact and doing all the usual things to keep myself occupied and I am quite highly functioning for the breakup being so fresh, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt and that I don't feel the need to seek out an autopsy of what really happened.

 

She is not from a country that does arranged marriages, but it is a country that is not nearly as well off as mine. It's a dog-eat-dog world over there, which toughens people up, but as far as I'm concerned that she didn't do anything like seek out someone for a green card. She has been diagnosed with depression and perhaps other issues, in which her therapist said it would take at least 2 years of serious therapy to overcome. So when things seem to be leaning along the lines of her "brokenness".

 

Basically, I'm just looking for some perspective to see if I can say if the woman I cared about so much left me due to her issues (like she had claimed) or if those were just an excuse to hurt my feelings less. I've clearly accepted the end of the relationship, but the closer I can get to a 'why' then the easier it will be to let these negative feelings dissolve (and it's worked for me in the past too).

 

Wow, after reading over that, it does seem like a desperate attempt for answers, but really, I'm looking to categorize and eliminate all these floating thoughts and feelings. And hope that sharing similar scenarios with others can help myself and these other affected people, as well.

[Edmund Exley]

What went wrong is something inside of her fears commitment. Everyone has their own reasons for what they feel and fear.

[jbdk]

haha ok. Well, that seems direct enough. I guess you agree with my description that she was afraid to commit. That's what I was looking for--perspective or support if she may or may not have been afraid. Thanks, Edmund!

[Edmund Exley]

haha ok. Well, that seems direct enough. I guess you agree with my description that she was afraid to commit. That's what I was looking for--perspective or support if she may or may not have been afraid. Thanks, Edmund!

 

I'm only going on what you said. I have no way of knowing what her real issues are. Only what you told us.

[jbdk]

I don't really know her really issues either, so I'm trying to be as honest with my perspective as possible. I'm just trying to write what I've seen and experienced and hope to receive some candid wisdom if it can be given. So once again, thanks for the response!

[Snow Bird]

Ok if she's officially been medically diagnosed with depression, I can see why you strongly feel it's something that you feel caused this break-up. I guess it makes more sense now why you feel the way you do and feel you have to do what you gotta do... carry on. I think it's also a fear of commitment.. unless it's something she's been hiding from you.

[jbdk]

I guess I'm just looking for a logical answer to be completely over her. I'm quite a strong person so during the breakup I just took things as they came and didn't lose my cool--too badly at least. I've been doing well in life and have focused my time and work, activities, friends, etc, and I feel mostly fine. But when it comes down to it, I really loved her and cared for her, and her rejecting me simply hurts. I'm ambivalent about her condition too: on one hand I'm happy that's she's not happy because it feels like my character is validated, but on the other hand seeing her at a low makes me want to reach out and pick her up regardless of the shy dog inside her going to bite the kind hand. I know I need to forget and move on because "she rejected me" but sometimes I just need to let the feelings out. And I feel like I've bothered friends and family enough, so this forum is great to have people listen and offer support and wisdom.