Bounced back out of the friend zone. Date tonight! :-)

[IAmFCA]

Can't find my old thread to update... ENA was right, he friend zoned me. I hung in there anyway because I like who he is regardless. He helped, by asking me to lunch at a local deli ( very friend zone) on Saturday. Sunday I asked him to my pool. I had previously asked him out for last night. Sunday he confirmed the friendship thing. Yet he kept the date for last night. Last night, he asked me out for tonight, acknowledged his desire for me and his respect for my request for sexual monogamy, and ended the night with a sweet kiss. Yay!

 

I am happy. Feel like I used a few new techniques and they paid off. So I already won.

 

Will see what happens tonight, if he follows through, how I decide to manage having some physical intimacy without going the whole nine.

[mhowe]

This is fb dude, is it?

[Sportster2005]

That's all very positive. I would wait a bit though before celebrating. If a positive pattern emerges then you can claim victory

[IAmFCA]

Sportster, you called it! Email today of apology, respect, no date tonight.

 

Kinda funny. I guess I am disappointed but more than that I am thankful he didn't lead me on and I am feeling as little sick, so it's just as well.

 

he asked if he could still come to my workout group this weekend.

[TennSports]

What on earth?

 

What kind of person admits that they're in to someone, wants to date them, even kisses them at the end of the date..then apologizes for it and backs out?

 

Probably a blessing in disguise for him to back out. Sounds like he's lacking a little upstairs. You deserve better than that.

[IAmFCA]

TennSports, your message made me laugh, thank you! He said he liked kissing me, he is attracted to me. That he cant get into something with me until he gets his act together and knows what he wants. I am grateful. Otherwise, he may have just led me on and then faded out. I am so glad I dont have that happening (again).

 

MHowe, not fb man. fb man... I told him he could communicate with me only by USPS and no other way. I told him some other stuff too, and I did it on Independence Day. So he messaged me on fb, duh. I ignored it of course and have ignored him ever since. I was just so tired of hearing how wonderful I am and how much he needs me in his life and how exactly nothing he is willing to make sure he has the privilege. He does not deserve my friendship, though I suspect he has it at some level.

 

Last night's man has much to recommend him, but he is tending to his parents and life in one state, and spending half his time in a hotel near me. He only rejoined the dating scene last Fall. I will be dating others and letting him keep himself in rotation unless/until someone really captures my attention.

 

My whole new approach of not even wanting sex -- speaking plainly - is having some very interesting results. I think its good, as it is weeding out people early. I think he just wanted to have sex for sport.

[mhowe]

Nothing wrong with sport sex. If that is what you want as well.

[IAmFCA]

Nothing wrong with sport sex. If that is what you want as well.

 

Agree. Thats what fb man used to be, but then we got emotionally invested in each other and it was just frustrating.

 

I am a big fan of no questions no labels go with what you feel. For whatever, I am now going old school. Kind of digging it.

[IAmFCA]

Update:

 

So, he wanted me Tuesday, cancelled Wednesday's date with an apology for treating me like a piece of meat with his comments the night before, and said could he please still see me Saturday to try my workout group and he would take a cab

 

Then Friday he calls practically begging to be included in my little party, so I finally invite him to come by for a beer and he stays for several and makes friends before leaving

Comes with me to exercise group and asks us 3 to brunch after, and then gets pedicures with us and takes us to drugstore to get me cough medicine

Comes to sunday morning class as well, joins us for brunch and hang out at the pool

 

Uh, we like him whether he dates me or not. He was kinda flirty at Saturday's class. He had no plans for Saturday night and I did not include him in ours.

 

I think he is dating me in a way. It doesn't feel like friend zone. It feels like having me around so he can figure out if he is serious or not.

 

Massive social experiment for me. I would normally be all up on him by now. I will post updates as a journal/report out in case anyone is following along...

[darkheart85]

Personally if he cancelled the date, I would have froze him out of everything else. I've made the mistake of continuing things after a cancelled date and it doesn't end well. You basically condoned being the friend when he cancelled and you still let him hang out with you. Slowly, but surely I've been learning that you need to go after what you want and when it doesn't happen there's no use in keeping those people around. Having friends is good, but at some point you can say ok I've got enough of them. Good luck though!

[IAmFCA]

Personally if he cancelled the date, I would have froze him out of everything else. I've made the mistake of continuing things after a cancelled date and it doesn't end well. You basically condoned being the friend when he cancelled and you still let him hang out with you. Slowly, but surely I've been learning that you need to go after what you want and when it doesn't happen there's no use in keeping those people around. Having friends is good, but at some point you can say ok I've got enough of them. Good luck though!

 

I have been thinking about that, as I have seen that wisdom on ENA. I didn't follow it though. Here are my two reasons: (1) If I am holding off on sex until someone is prepared to be monogamous, then maybe its okay to give him a shot at figuring out if he is ready to be monogamous. (to which the crowd retorts, and he doesn't know that already? which is way way way valid) and (2) he showed character by pulling back, because he knew he would lose his focus on me as he vacillates between living in two states. He could have just barged forward and then muddled through later, and at least he would have drawn me in closer and gotten sex out of it. He chose not to do that.

 

Also, I already have learned things that are good for/about me by having him around.

 

HOWEVER, as I begin to like him more, I begin to question my whole approach. I feel like a science experiment and kind of hope my next dating prospect, whom I try out next week, is enough to challenge friend-guy.

 

I sense that you are right DH85.

[darkheart85]

Sucks, but each day will just be a painful reminder that you weren't the one (for whatever reason that might be). Say he sorts through the family stuff and then meets someone. You're the friend so at some point you'll probably all have to hang out or you won't know about it until it's a forced topic that comes up. Going no contact early (after seeing that it just won't happen) saves you from finally be fed up and not communicating with him anymore. Ultimately, it will turn into you just not being a good friend or not worth the effort in the first place. It's an unwinnable situation that leaves you in a very sticky spot. At best you become a backup for when things are sour, lots of communication when they hit that rough patch, but then you're suddenly forgotten when it's all good again.

 

It's a hard lesson to learn and personally if someone offered me the above advice before hand I would have said they were nuts. But life teaches us fairly quickly that what you want isn't always what you will get. There are plenty of people who you can pursue and who will like you as much as you like them. Holding onto the "we'll be friends and eventually one day they will see it" is basically signing up for that Greek myth of Sisyphus. Everyday doomed to roll a huge boulder up a hill only to have to roll down again. I'm not saying men and women can't be friends, nor that if you dated once and broke it up that you couldn't still be friends. But it's something about the one way love that is just a friendship that doesn't quite work. I blame Hollywood for the most part hahaha

[IAmFCA]

All true.

 

Really. I hear it.