No where to turn

[Jaybol]

Hi,

I'm new to this and really have no idea how to start off. So I guess I will just start. I am in a realtionship with a girl for 2 years now and I have known her for about 11 years. I knew her all throughout highschool and I knew her boyfriends as well. We were good friends thoughout the years we known each other however lost touch after highschool. She would still contact me on every birthday. The last time she contacted me we decided to take it a step further and we began dating. The relationship is great and she is a wonderful caring independent indivdual. We get along very well and do sometimes have our problems, however they are minor. We have decided that we are each others soul mates and we make future plans to get married. She is not an overly emotional girl and she doesn't need attention at all. She allows me freedom to do what I choose and doesn't bother me if I want to go out with my friends or stay home and veg out. (keep in mind I don't go out with my friends very often because of loss of touch)

 

Now that you have a good idea about my current relationship let me get on with my problem. My problem is self confidence and trust. I have talked to her about these issues and she sees them as well. I am trying hard not to be possesive or jealous of her so I offer her the same freedoms as she gives me. My problem is internal. I can't handle when she approaches me with girls night out. Usally that entails her going to a bar or club with a friend of hers. These nights become restless for me. I wind up with jealous thoughts and cannot sleep. Sometimes my jeaousy gets so much that it causes me to become sick to my stomach. I go out with my friends to try and curb the jealous feelings, however wind up only thinking of some guy talking to her that she might leave me for. When she gets home I ask her home many guys hit on her. She gets upset but understands that I have a trust problem.

 

Recently she has been bogged down with alot of school work and is looking forward to the summer to de stress. Already the stomach churned because she went to a friends house for a party. I was invited but I couldn't make it until later. Today she is starting YOGA to release some unwanted stress and all I can think about is some guy is going to talk with her and she will be friendly and might wind up going out for coffee. (I have no reason to think this because she never has done anything like that around me)

 

I don't trust very well especially when guys are involved. If she tells me she is going to her friends house for coffee and to watch a movie. I have no issue. If she tells me she is going to a diner with a girlfriend for dinner. I have no problem. Its when she goes to places that guys could take her away from me which gives me a problem.

 

History of previous realtionships I had were also distrusting. My first gf had sex with my best friend behind my back 10 years ago. Yes I know terrible but I should let it go that was more then 10 years ago. Other girfriends since then, I held them to just hangging out with me or my friends. I would remove them from going out alone and I made them guitly if they even brought it up. It caused alot of fights between these woman.

 

Most of my life was dating girls I didn't find attractive because I felt I couldn't get anyone better. All of my relationships the girls made the first move. With the ones I wanted to know or date, I clamm up and could't bear to be rejected. So I never tried to date anyone

 

My current girlfriend that I knew for so long, I was finally able to muster some curouage and tell her I had a crush on her since the first day I met her. Even then she had to make the first Move.... I am a mess

 

I don't want to loose my girlfriend so I deal with jealousy and pain internally, no matter how upset or sick I get. I need help she thinks I should get some professional help but i figured i would ask you guys first. Any advice would be great. I really want her to have the best bf she can find so I need to let go of my insecurites and trust issues. Help Please

[LifeIsGood]

Sounds to me like you Love your GF. This is because of how you keep saying your afraid some guy will take her away, which is understandable considering youve had a past relationship where a girlfriend has got with your best friend. The only thing really to do is trust her. If she loves you back then there is no way she will run off with some other guy. She obviously trusts you, so use it as kind of a test. If she loves you things will be fine, If the unlikely event was to happen that she ran off with another guy...then its better you know before you could have taken any further steps in your Relationship. Hope this helps a little bit

[GoDevil]

Jaybol,

Your self-esteem is still damaged from the thing 10 years ago, and it is causing you to think that she would go after someone else any chance she gets because you have such a low opinion of yourself. There is nothing she can do about this, you must address it. You need to find ways to love and take care of yourself. Focus on doing things you enjoy, take up a new hobby, anything that will occupy your mind and keep you from concentrating on the emotions you are currently having; they do nothing good for you. You probably have constant negative thoughts running through your mind. The key is being able to recognize irrational negative thoughts that are nothing but self-defeating. I highly recomment a book called "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. It has helped me tremendously as I have suffered through the same situation as you. I wish you the best-

[magpie]

hey...hope you are feeling better right now. anyhow, my suggestion is to TALK TO HER. these are very deeply rooted issues, and its HIGHLY IMPORTANT that you communicate with her openly and honestly. its not possible to just overcome issues that are deeply seeded in us. so, talk to her about your feelings and your past. and, although many people find it taboo, though it should not be, you may want to consider councelling. your fears and jealously and insecurities are poision to you and anything you touch. until they are faced and overcome, you will continue to feel the anxiety that you feel now. relationships grow and become stronger, yes, but in order to grow there needs to be proper nourishing. and its hard to provide that whenyou are coming from a place with a lot of baggage.

[Jaybol]

I try so hard to overcome so many things with her. I will look into that book go devil thank you for some type of direction.

 

I tried talking to her about things however they turn into questions in where I ask for reassuance. Such questions like.. Am I good to you, or What makes me important to you. and Why date me?

 

After 5 months of questions like these she sat me down and told me if i didn't stop she would have to leave. She said that she was becoming more of my counsler then a girlfriend.

 

Is counsleing my best option??? I alwyas felt that it would be sorrta of a scam. Give me just enough advice and reassuance to come back and spend more $$$ Anyone have any experince with counslors?