Truth

[meoww]

I don't want to wear formal, modest clothing all the time once I'm like 32. I don't want to have nothing to say.

[meoww]

What else. I Don't want to talk about kids, my 'husband', and all that boring stuff.

[meoww]

I don't want to have to worry about my health. I don't want to worry about the future. I don't want to care about

[meoww]

And I hate how every adult seems so immature. Always riddled with mental issues, weaknesses, and in denial that deepens as they age...

[meoww]

It's like when you become an adult you end up with the mind of an stupid or angry child in an old persons body..,

[meoww]

Lust should not be so temporary. I wish I could find a way to deal with the post orgasm awkwardness.

 

Slowly though I think I'll figure it out. It just takes time.

[meoww]

My brain is like a landfill. The thoughts I should let go of are like plastic. Sometimes the junk that needs disposing are the most innocuous little thoughts or archetypes like, "friends forever," or "my grandmother was a good woman because she is old." Myths. As long as I remember the conventions but don't take them to heart, I can keep up the facade that I believe in all this. I guess I never knew that sometimes it is necessary to contruct a public persona to avoid confrontations and social alienation.

 

I always tried to be consistent, regardless of how badly i failed to be authentic, and that tore me apart emotionally.

 

There are generalizations, conventions, and multitude of things that take away from my true thought process.

 

Through trial and error, I'm slowly making myself a truly free individual. All around me i see behaviors and patterns repeating, see such a lack of courage just to experiment, try something new for a change. I wonder why people are so afraid to make mistakes when a lot of the time you can just go back.

It matters, because I think I'm realizing that if you're not free, you might as well be dead, or a shadow.

 

Side note:

The people who say people don't really ever change really limit themselves and have no effect on the people who don't believe that.

 

On that note:

 

I'm changing.

I'm becoming much more of a leader. Not really but I'm becoming a leader inside.

I have my own code of conduct.

I make my own rules, like I have in the past, just without my self destructive tendencies.

[meoww]

In order to be straightforward, I think I have to respect people's individual rights at all times. As long as I give people true respect, I can interact with them with the integrity I believe I owe myself.

[meoww]

I shattered my mirror, didnt I? I don't generalize about others from my own experience as much as I used to. My bitterness grows in my own private garden, where I can observe it and use it to season my life in little ways. My narcissistic mother's hall of distorting mirrors and crazy clown music has melted and burned down. There was a point when I called it like Alice and wonderland, going through the looking glass. But now,

 

I realize maybe I was trapped in a box, and I never knew what the truth outside of that box was. Rather than escaping a grim reality into an enlightened one, maybe I just came into the real world. Unfortunately this isn't something I can figure out easily. There are gentler hells than the one I came out of.

 

So I just have to live and work my exhausted little brain to figure out the difference between the traumatized worldview and self concept I learned from my abusive parents and what is this ideal healthy state that people are supposed to be in. Everyday I have to learn something new.

[meoww]

The more precisely I can express myself, the more positive control I have over my life. Because when I'm precise, I understand myself better, for one. The more true I speak to myself, the more I feel I have gods grace. But the more grace I have the more I realize my own faults especially from the past. The more I wonder if the grace is coming from me and not some guy in the sky. But I don't know I don't want to lose my humility because I need clarity like I need oxygen. So much love to the world, god, and myself~~~~

 

(Random thought)

Do I need to accept my unique identity in the world, or actually realize that I'm just really stupid? I have no idea.

 

Right now I'm going with this weird fusion of both ideas. But I feel like such a floater in terms of my identity.

But I think I should just stop worrying so much.

 

I shouldn't think about the implications of it. I should just be who I am and be happy.

[meoww]

Are there people who are like truly pure of heart? I'm definitely not even though I'm trying to be more so these days. I just wonder about those people who care so much about only showing their most positive sides, like those people who seem to live in a real life family friendly sit com.

 

Don't they ever just want something different, even if it is just for a change? How do they consistently maintain the same identity for years?

 

Sometimes I want to be haunting and dark and intellectual. Or theatrical, deep, and belligerent.

Or old fashioned. But I don't want that all the time. And I can't stand people who believe that is all they are, (But maybe they are??) if they shut everyone who isn't that way out.

 

I just don't get how people act the same a lot of the time and don't want to try on new identities. I just feel restless and anxious being one kind of person all the time.

 

I just don't get the point.

 

I also would feel strange feeling like sex is dirty or that there are all these rules surrounding it.

I don't get that at all...

 

Humans and their conventions make no sense to me, especially any strong emotion ties that are bound by fear, intimidation, shame, tradition, and overall need to overlook outright lies for the sake of consistency. Smoothing over all the questions, nagging doubts, repressing the secret wish for something completely different

 

Is that faith? Or is that cowardice? I honestly have no idea if I'm the coward or if they are or if the truth is somewhere in between.

 

Because if I knew I'd totally pick the right side. I want to be good. But I only want to be the true good not just whatever is convenient for me to believe.

 

But that's stupid too isn't it? What's the point if everyone else is a certain way? I might as well be the same

 

I want an easy life

Isn't an easy life a good life? Doesn't that automatically make me good? If I'm successful if I have all the things a person is supposed to want, then doesn't that mean I am by default, good enough? If I'm loved by many

 

Isn't that the greatest success anyone could wish for?

I don't understand the inequality and competitive nature of the world either.

 

I don't get anything ughh

I wish I didn't feel so uncomfortable and scared when imagining a more equal but equally thrilling new world. I wish I didn't feel like I'm wrong and some kind of blasphemous loser.

[meoww]

Sexual attraction is so itchy. It's like a mosquito bite you try to ignore because you know that scratching it won't relieve your discomfort. eventually, without realizing it, it heals and it's all completely beyond your control. It's all calm until the next rain falls or you keep your bedroom window open at night.

 

But nothing makes me feel more beautiful and content than being desired by the people I love.

[meoww]

I guess depression meds are important. I don't know why it rubs me the wrong way so often, but it bothers me how people focus on the chemical imbalance thing rather than the cause/prevention of depression itself...

 

But I mean, I wouldn't build my own car generally speaking

I outsource my education, dentistry, and like all my needs are met by professionals who know what they are doing why wouldn't mental health be the same? They just don't seem all that professional a lot of the time honestly...those therapists, there probably just need to be like higher standards seriously

 

Depression is a serious thing....if it's like cancer then treating depression with meds and no therapy would generally be like a lung cancer patient smoking while going through chemo.

 

The truth is I don't know a single person who was 'cured' and in remission from antidepressants. At least not that ive talked to candidly. so obviously there could be a lot. The people I know have been taking them for years and years and years. And they are generally lame people who don't take responsibility for their issues deep down or are so scared of their truth that they rely on the meds to magically fix their 'chemical imbalance'

When that day will come I don't know.

 

But is it one of those things where you just simply need a professional?

 

But it really is the most confusing disorder

Because it seems like it's often not treated/diagnosed

It seems like a lot of people are depressed

But people only go in for treatment unless they have the mental equivalent of a car crash or something

Then it's like such a big deal but I don't get it...

[meoww]

That thread on here is making me think....even food is made of mind altering chemicals...so maybe I should just get on depression meds just to help certain aspects of the PTSD, and be in more optimal health. But the orgasm thing tho, that honestly scares me. As of now I can orgasm in 5 minutes if I'm in a rush. As long as I don't develop a dependence on them and there are no terrible side effects it would be a good idea.

 

I'd rather be happy for no reason at all than sad for both real and not real reasons. Why ever be sad? There is just no damn point.

 

Interesting

For the first time I actually think they aren't so bad

If they are effective

It's just weird to think about way into the future

Imagine a world without pain and if you could literally take a pill to kill any pain

That's the problem with these drugs

It's not possible

All they can do is make things in your brain work slightly better right? Because if you can truly manipulate someone's emotions like that

They aren't a free agent anymore.

Then it's like seriously what is the point

Don't want to go down that road

Because you cant be free no matter who you are. Obviously

[meoww]

I need to remember that insanity quote likely misattributed to Einstein

 

But if you think about it there are two issues with it anyway, because

-It's not possible to do the same thing twice

-Sometimes you do similar things and honestly get different results

 

But I'm not going to be so annoyingly literal today!!! Ugh

 

Don't sit around thinking the same thoughts, doing the same things, expecting different results!!

I need to remember that everyday.

I have to do things differently all the time until I get a result that satisfies me.

[meoww]

I've already forgotten so many things I swore I'd never forget

[meoww]

Thinking too much again. Time to stop for a while...yay for peace of mind. My happiness above all else.

[meoww]

Having the nightmares again after a few months of calm. I had another painful, I don't know what it's called, hemorrhaging of emotion, involuntary, my head was filling up with all the images of the life I feel I should have lived instead of the waking nightmare I have known. I was getting a massage and I usually just drift away into bliss but instead I started feeling like I wanted to cry and I keep my eyes closed so I had all these mental images of people with much much much more fulfilling pasts and presents. The more I come of my traumatized mindset the more it's like boom! Welcome to the 21st century where people are generally happy except you. Everyone is modern except you. Everyone is functional and contributes to society except you because you have this burden of this completely insane woman who just happened to be hurled your way like a ing grenade. The more I'm realizing that in terms of abusiveness my mother is on a level that can't even be imagined. She is so toxic she's like worse than an oil spill or I don't even know she is just poisonous. I wish she could be eliminated, she honestly does not deserve to live. I remember how scared I was to even think that way back at the beginning of my healing journey. Now the thought doesn't carry any guilt for me, it just is the truth. I don't understand why I still dream about my father either. I can hardly remember anything.

 

My biggest fear growing up was self-awareness because I knew I couldn't handle, emotionally speaking, the truth. Which is so counterproductive!!! Despite the absolute aloneness, the true terror and the danger I needed to get through it to survive.

 

My twisted, nightmarish reality existed regardless of whether I wanted to deny it or not. I had no other choice. How stupid I was for thinking I could cope by living in a childish fantasy world.

 

I don't want to feel so alone. I want to forget the past because thinking of my family makes me so overwhelmed because I cannot even comprehend how a group of people so strange could exist on this planet full of much more normal and fun people.

[meoww]

If I'm thinking a thought that makes me feel like a bad person, like something petty about a friend, I just write it down. Then I just don't feel compelled to think of it anymore, most of the time, if it's not like a deep issue. My anger from three years ago went from like a 9 to a 4. I don't sweat the small stuff and it's amazing how much easier it is to deal with actual problems when I don't have all these little things clogging me up.

 

I'm really realizing, and seeing so clearly how I never used to see the ways I inherited certain ways of coping from my parents. I always told myself I was nothing like them when I was actually so similar. The thought of that used to be so unbearable to me, that if I had allowed myself to become like them I was the biggest failure in my eyes. That was the greatest source of fear and shame. Now I realize that I was really afraid and I shouldn't have been.

 

I no longer dwell on the fact that things got worse with my parents because I loved them and expected them to get help for their mental issues. They are just shadows of the past. I have learned from mistakes. Trusting someone because they are family is ridiculous. You should trust someone because they are good to you. It doesn't matter what anyone says about obligation, which is a very different thing from love. Love isn't this abundant thing and forgiveness isn't necessarily about a universal love and peace. Forgiveness can be like falling from a tall building building onto the cement sidewalk in an abandoned city in the middle of winter. If you don't freeze to death, you look around at where you are and realize you just have get out of there! And drag your ragged limbs onto your next destination.

[meoww]

It doesn't matter what anyone says about obligation, which is a very different thing from love. Love isn't this abundant thing and forgiveness isn't necessarily about a universal love and peace. Forgiveness can be like falling from a tall building building onto the cement sidewalk in an abandoned city in the middle of winter. If you don't freeze to death, you look around at where you are and realize you just have get out of there! And drag your ragged limbs onto your next destination.

 

Reposting because I like this and it reminds me of how strong I need to be to survive this!

[meoww]

Things that used to make my imagination run wild

 

National flags, cigarettes, monogamy, family, fantasy movies, seasons, holidays, friendship, disease, books, movies, humor, politicians and politics, art, science

 

Music remains it's special category but even that no longer feels the same

 

I remember listening to certain songs during the summer last year over and over again

Music used to make me feel so important

 

All of that stuff used to make me feel important

 

Maybe partly because my mother's narcissism rubbed off on me but I think it goes deeper

 

Ahhh but I don't want this

I don't want to be some weird monk like person who is beyond earthly existence ha ha seriously why can I just seriously be normal!!!!

 

Why can't I just take things at face value

The beauty of pop culture and this age is simply how things are exactly as they look and really nothing more

[meoww]

Right now I feel like being my old self

 

I want substance

Something intelligent

 

And something that feels comfortable for me

[meoww]

No wait maybe I don't want to play make believe anymore

 

Maybe what I need is to laugh.

 

And shut off my brain!! I think I'm going to do that instead.

[meoww]

Dear (not a guy or family)

 

Can't let you back in my heart yet!!

[meoww]

I used to do this weird thing way back in the day

 

Where Id romanticize my dark side and getting to know someone was a process of letting them into the fold of my true self, which was strangely haunting.

 

This was mostly an issue in relationships but it was insane!!!! I'd conjure up dramas to push people away, and begin a relationship with anger toward my partner from the very beginning.

 

So similar to my ugh ugh abuser

Ugh I'm stained by her dirty sins and I hate it!!!! I seriously should off myself just so that her DNA is officially extinct.