Truth

[meoww]

I worry about myself because in the past two years I've been a witness to two horrible accidents and yet the second hardly fazed me.

 

I kind of felt like, he's so lucky, being able to leave this earth. I honestly hope he is in a better place now if he did die.

 

But it's weird how I honestly didnt feel sad at all. I almost don't see the distinction between dead and alive anymore. I honestly don't know what's the difference since I've never been dead. So I'm not afraid.

[meoww]

I don't know why I'm struggling to enjoy life these past 3-4 days.

 

I just feel like I can't erase my past as much as I want to. What person would want to be the child of a ________ and ______? Removing trigger words because I don't want to get too upset. It just makes me feel like genetic loser, like a total loser. I wish I could shake the feeling.

[meoww]

What I different world I would live in, would I have always lived in, if I had been a luckier person.

 

I just want to be one of those people. I don't want to be the sum of my past experiences. It's too depressing.

 

I wish it wasn't real. Isn't there anything I can do to erase it? I'm so ashamed of them.

 

I just want it to go away.

There has got to be a way to make it go away permanently.

[meoww]

Ok I need a game plan...

 

As long as I remember the weirdness and the creepiness, I'll never be happy and ill always feel like a freak/creep/loser/disturbing waste of space low life.

 

I think I shouldn't think about it anymore

 

No matter what.

 

But the only problem is that family triggers are everywhere

 

Mother's Day Father's Day xmas Even Memorial Day graduation

Family is life

 

So when I'm all numbed out like this, forgetting holidays, not even feeling the seasons change, I feel really sad like I'm missing out on something.

 

I don't know what to do?

[meoww]

Getting rid of my pride was the best thing I ever did.

 

It only happened about 3 months ago. I don't know how I even thought to eliminate it. It somehow just started happening.

 

Coming out of denial apparently takes years.

 

I guess because people are so intensely socialized to deny, minimize or be embarrassed of their own flaws most of the time.

 

Being in denial is the most painful thing because as long as you don't accept truth or reality, you can't change for the better.

 

Something's happening. I'm in less and less denial than ever before. It's not even so bad. I'm hurting but it's not like before when it took so much effort just to love myself for an hour or so

[meoww]

If you don't have pride, no one can take away your dignity no matter how low they stoop or how weak they are.

[meoww]

The biggest recent changes in my mindset:

 

I have no pride (in a good way, I'm confident without my maladaptive coping mechanisms)

 

I try to understand things as simply and as directly as I can. This is a huge improvement for me, because I felt really overwhelmed before, like I was obligated to find a deeper meaning in things in a really disingenuous way. That is not the best way of putting it but I know what I mean.

 

I have a lot less emotional attachment to things, people, and everything. This is both good and bad.

 

I wonder what I'm going to do with these changes.

 

I'm ready for a change again.

[meoww]

When it comes to my PTSD triggers, I've evolved in so many ways.

 

First I was in denial

Then I let all the pain in

Then I realized I have to move on with my life

 

Then I realized it was ok to be damaged, okay to be a battered person.

 

Then I realized I had become stronger than I ever have.

 

Now I'm walking further and further along my new path but sometimes it still haunts me in different ways. This month has been hard. I have a few good days and many bad ones.

 

But there was a time when they were all bad days.

[meoww]

When I first made my journal it was too difficult for me to be negative. I was too afraid

 

Now I know the world isn't going to come crashing down just because things go wrong.

 

I can't believe I ever thought that I should be ashamed of myself for coming from a ____sive and ____al family. As if I had any control over that.

 

I can't believe I ever believed it was a punishment from god. Even if it was, how fair would it be to punish someone who doesn't remember what they did (in a past life lol)

 

I can't believe I thought that I was fundamentally worthless and fundamentally damaged just because I was ______. Just blanking out the trigger words because I don't want to spiral.

[meoww]

I was afraid of so much. Even up to around April of this year.

 

But one weird night that all changed

 

I felt weak but then I knew that acting out even in the most subtle or socially acceptable of ways wasn't going to get me what I really wanted.

[meoww]

Suddenly it started to make sense. I finally started to make the connection between healthy choices and happiness. Since there are so many lifestyles to lead, I had no clue who I was supposed to be.

[meoww]

Before April I had one foot in and one foot out, then I finally started to jump in.

[meoww]

When I started to have things that I really enjoyed that I really felt like living for, that's when I started to have an investment in my stability.

[meoww]

I think that was one of those most toxic things about growing up with my friends back in the day, my weird family,

 

None of it really gave me anything to live for when I felt constantly degraded, manipulated, mocked and condescended to.

[meoww]

Now I've been building and building on my real dreams

 

They give me reasons why I shouldn't give up and why I should bother to make the effort!

[meoww]

I wonder how many people live in a weird state of unsatisfying compromise. Doing that weird limbo dance I used to where I felt fundamentally unsatisfied because I knew I wanted something different.

 

I wanted a different boyfriend, different clothes, different interests

 

Now I'm living my secret dream

[meoww]

It's weird that happiness and unhappiness can exist in the same place. When you're happy,or doing well, the reasons why others end up living badly make no sense at all. When you're not doing well, it is pretty much impossible to see past your negativity. Wondering about the dark side has hurt me so much.

 

As much I think I understand my ______'s dark side, maybe I don't.

 

Maybe I have enough invested in my real life, my real dreams, and the real world that even getting sucked into that black hole of despair for even a minute isn't worth it. I don't even want to think about whether or not it means I was born a bad person

 

As a young person I think I've thought too much

And I shouldn't be so aware of my mortality yet

 

I'm still at that stage where I should be living, not thinking

 

I have plenty of time to reflect in old age

 

I'm not ready for that yet.

 

I'm only willing to take life by the horns because that's what I'm supposed to do

Even if I had a controlling, psychotic _____.

[meoww]

I kind of feel like being mature for your age can only help if you know how to capitalize on it. If your mature for your age but insecure, then that can be the most toxic thing ever.

[meoww]

Sometimes I have no idea what kind of weird, off the wall stuff is going to come out of my mouth. Actually, I have to admit, that would be a lot of the time!

 

Ugh ugh ugh

 

I seriously need to work on my filter. It's good sometimes but sometimes I just feel like an awkward creep and it's not okay.

[meoww]

I'm fighting myself on two things in particular. One is that, like i said earlier i often just let myself say whatever without enough of a filter. This only works around certain kinds of people. But I'm realizing I'd rather be and I need to be more of a people pleaser so I have to figure out how to give the expected or appropriate responses to things.

 

I'm realizing it's time to let go of my need for authenticity.

I guess I don't want to limit myself and I don't want to either accidentally offend someone or weird them out. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I feel like I have so much learning to do on that front.

 

I'm on the fence with this one but I think I'm changing my stance on this.

The second

Is the fear of disciplining kids. I think that to some extent I can't just make up my own rules when any kid I have will be exposed to typical ways of disciplining through school and their friends.

I am so afraid of getting angry

 

But I don't want to be called a hippie or something because I don't want to be firm

 

I don't know because I think it all very much depends on the individual and their expectations.

 

I just hope any kid I have doesn't push me like that

I don't want to set up those boundaries like that. Ugh it's so confusing. I really wish that when that time comes, they will know I just want things to be pleasant

 

I don't know why antigen would want it any other way. It's so confusing, but that's kind of a different story.

[meoww]

I'm becoming really conservative and it's freaking me out.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

The hardest thing about getting older is avoiding being like your parents. Every single person I know is quite similar to their parents now. It's seriously scary.

[meoww]

In order to avoid becoming like them I have to take action. I don't have to do anything extreme, but I definitely can't keep going the way I've been.

 

1.) I need to never hold grudges, forgive and truly forget. If I can do that I'll instantly stop being like them. Such a relief. I'm seriously terrified now that I realize how similar I am to them.

 

2.) I can't make excuses for myself.

 

3.) I have to be more humble, but not self-deprecating. Just simple, a truly good person.

 

4.) I need to find a private outlet for my honest thoughts, anger, fears, weaknesses, and musings.

 

5.) I have to have more self discipline, and truly improve myself.

 

6.) I need to be better at adapting depending on the social situation, no matter who I'm talking with.

 

7.) I need to be brave and do the things I'm most afraid of.

 

8.) I need to always keep my eyes open for opportunities to improve myself or learn something from others

 

9.) Stop making generalizations (even if I sometimes I have to pretend to make them in public)

 

10.) I need to be strong instead of weak. They would never claim to be strong people and pride themselves on not doing anything about their weaknesses

 

11.) I need to have opinions, not be so wishy washy. It's okay to have personal idiosyncrasies. Right now I'm just like, well I like all food, all music etc but I need to at least pick a couple favs otherwise I'm going to seem weird maybe...

[meoww]

I've never been one of those people who'll just come out and say, why are you wearing that? or you shouldn't do that or think that.

 

So am I supposed to be?

Does it show

strength of character to say what you think, even while knowing your opinion is not necessarily right or wrong?

 

If we are all strong people, then it shouldn't matter if someone gives you advice or an opinion you don't agree with?

 

Maybe I'm the one being a doormat by never saying what I think about anything. Ahh so confused.

[meoww]

Being afraid to fail is such a pointless fear, why did it rule my life! No matter what, what happens is what happens anyway.

 

Now my ego isn't that fragile. I've learned to talk myself out of social rejection, romantic drama, an eating disorder, paranoia and so much more.

[meoww]

Ways of thinking that always seem really dumb in hindsight.

 

Being afraid to fail

 

Thinking it's too late

 

Hating/ wasting neg energy on people

 

The one (still not sure though, haven't totally given up on that)