Truth

[meoww]

I have to do the one thing I've never been able to do, which is to pick a complete identity

 

To choose to even be me.

[meoww]

I read about chronophobia online, which is interesting because I definitely think I have that. But regardless of what it is called in the medical community, I need to figure out a way to accept the fact that time passes.

[meoww]

The interesting thing about chronophobia is that the affected are primarily prison inmates and the elderly. I can see why I developed that after being colonized by my mother in particular.

[meoww]

The only way I was able to get better was by getting over my anger, resentment and feelings of being taken advantage of (by the universe, really.)

 

Periodically my fear that I'm cursed resurfaces again.

[meoww]

That's because on somedays, I'll just be walking on the side walk after it has rained and a tree branch will literally shake itself off on me, and only me. So many things like that happen that I just try not to care anymore.

 

It just makes me wonder why if there is a higher power, why create so much misery and pain for someone as insignificant and small as me. There is no way I could deserve to be punished at every turn.

[meoww]

As someone who seems to have bad luck, I need to create my own luck and opportunities.

 

That's one thing I've learned.

 

I almost never get any breaks, so I have to try to force things to go my way. It's just an uphill battle sometimes that I feel like by the time I've accomplished something, the whole world has moved onto something better. I can't live the rest of my life like this, no one could.

[meoww]

I wonder, even as basically an atheist, if truly admitting and repenting for mortal sins can save us.

 

Because the more honest I am with myself, the easier it is for me to stop making the same mistakes over and over again.

[meoww]

Humiliation is an emotional subject for me. Because of my parents' bizarre and deviant behavior in addition to their abuse, I have felt like a total freak.

 

Like, I'm descended from a line of freaks. Doesn't that make me one of those people who should be eliminated in an eugenics program?

 

If there is a god, then why put a good person in the hands of two dangerous deviants?

 

So humiliation is a big deal for me. I hate it when I feel like someone is trying to humiliate me.

[meoww]

The healthier I become, the less humiliated I feel.

 

When I cut ties with my family I no longer had to face the humiliation and alienation they tried to impose on me.

 

It's so twisted that I ever trusted them.

[meoww]

Humiliation, my nemesis.

 

It just feels good to type out that word.

 

It no longer has any power over me.

 

Unless I did something truly humiliating

[meoww]

One problem with becoming more self-aware is that it helps you deal with your past but the future and your future actions are still unwritten.

 

You never know how you might possibly betray yourself or your morals.

[meoww]

I've removed the major debris that was blocking my spirit from flowing through. But now I'm noticing all the other ways I'm contaminated. There is a mixture of new and old secrets, new flaws I'm in danger of pushing under the rug.

 

I strive to be better but I know I can't be perfect

 

But without striving, I don't have anything to live for.

[meoww]

Note to developers and mods please change the location of the cancel button so that it's not right next to the reply button please!!! It's so frustrating I can't count the hours I've spent rewriting

[meoww]

I've seen 'bad' people succeed but I've honestly never met a bad person I thought was truly happy. I really think so.

[meoww]

Not sure what I'm supposed to do with my time on this earth.

[meoww]

I thought I gained two pounds, felt depressed because my diet wasn't working. So I ate heartily last night for dinner, slept, woke up, ate breakfast, drank water, and weighed myself and those 2 pounds were gone and then some.

 

It makes no sense! But it brightened my day so much

 

Just goes to show you

 

Expectation really does change everything.

 

I need to remind myself that my weight fluctuates naturally and it doesn't mean I'm a cow

 

Mood affects everything even what you think is the truth

 

It's pretty annoying

[meoww]

Summer. I don't want it to end. I feel like I'm ready for an adventure, I'm just not sure what kind. More cliches ahead.

 

There really always is more to discover.

 

I'm glad I realize that and I allow myself to grow and change experience all kinds of things even if it doesn't last and it's not even so clear why I'm trying it. As hard as it is sometimes,

 

At least now I'm doing it in a way that makes me happy! I feel beautiful and bright!

[meoww]

Nearly every day I try to make the most of being alive since there is so much to enjoy

 

So I get dressed up in cute clothes, listen to all kinds of jams, and take it all in. No matter how bad things got, I've always been able to at least maintain that

 

But now that I'm happier it's just so much better. I wear brighter colors and more flattering clothing and it feels so good.

 

That's why I'm not going to let a few people get me down when that isn't even close to what I should be focusing on

 

There are too many other interesting things going on

[meoww]

My ptsd days are over. I feel right

 

and comfortable in my own skin even if I'm a work in progress. I'm just a regular work in progress now, not a battered woman or a shaken baby or a zombie or a caged animal.

 

I'm just a normal person now!!!!! I know I made it. I made it. Even on days when I'm triggered, I feel hollow and I kind of like I'm floating, the anger or fear or sadness evaporates or sinks into me and I don't feel like it is more than I handle

 

Every day my self control gets stronger.

 

I just know

 

I just know! It's like before I felt wounded, and infected, then I felt the scab

 

But now I'm just a normal person with normal people problems

 

Like 80%

I still have more observing to do so that I can be sure I'm following normal conventions

There are always details I'm missing

But I'm basically there!!!

[meoww]

I remember back in the early days of social media how it felt like there was such a discrepancy between our real selves and our social media selves.

 

I remember when I thought I was so special for liking a certain book or band. And now I know it's nothing more than buying a new band tee from forever 21 or something.

 

Now I feel like I'm my censored self almost 100% of the time

 

But at the same time I feel more comfortable just being my true self, because there is no point in being fake if there are 100000000 others like you and if there is no stigma against just being yourself for the most part.

 

The net effect of all this is really positive

[meoww]

I'm getting so much better at dealing with difficult people:

 

Trying not to care if/ just letting it go if

 

They never want to try new things

They think they are better than me

They think they are always right

They never apologize

They do hypocritical things

They lie

They need to be the center of attention

They need to tear me down to make themselves look better

They demonstrate false concern

They are self absorbed

They are bad listeners

They compete with me

Their thinking is very black and white

They judge others constantly

They lack compassion

They are not honest with themselves

They are shallow

They don't keep promises

They take out their insecurities on other people

They don't care about improving themselves/ or are cynical

They view kindness as weakness

 

A long list of the things that bother me about people generally

 

But I honestly am trying not to let these things get to me like they used to, because I'm so much happier that way

 

And everyone makes mistakes

 

So I'm trying to see the good in people

[meoww]

I have to wonder though if the majority of evil doers in the world think that

 

1.) they are misunderstood or have their reasons for it

2.) they did nothing wrong or have no recollection of it

3.) they enjoy inflicting suffering on others

 

It's just weird how people don't have the same capacity to feel guilt, compassion, etc.

[meoww]

When someone treats me badly, I just try to remember...there are worst things. For some reason it helps so much.

[meoww]

There is such a difference in me when I view life without my idealism. When I take everything at face value, I'm not sure what to think to be honest. There is no real reason to do much of anything, and all the things that used to be so important to me seem made up or unattainable.

[meoww]

I really wish that I could have been born into another life. As an individual, I like myself enough but my life experiences have been awful. I just wish I never knew any of the things I know.