Truth

[meoww]

This was the gist of my post:

 

What is the point of my intuition?

 

Shouldn't my thoughts and actions be consistent? There shouldn't be so much pain and confusion associated with making choices in my life

[meoww]

I need to pick an identity

Seriously

[meoww]

Everyone has a role to play except me I swear. Everyone fits so incredibly perfect in their niche as if they were just made that way from birth.

 

I just seem like a mistake

I'm like the most random idiot.

[meoww]

My flaws

 

I still change my identity depending who I interact with, causing me to feel I like a total floater

 

I let certain people see my weird side too quickly

 

I don't sell myself enough

 

I still struggle to follow others instead of trying to blaze my own path all the time

 

That's my main issue probably

 

I just suck at copying others

I'm so sloppy

[meoww]

I don't know how to stop being sloppy in terms of how I feel like a shadow copying other real people.

 

I will say this though, I am really realizing how I resemble my creepy parents in this aspect.

 

I'm like a slightly improved version of them

 

It makes me want to cry

And seriously just give up on life when I think about it

 

How they are like ****ty versions of real people.

 

My mothers sloppy cooking

Her half finished appearance

 

My fathers overweight body

How he lied about his alcoholism

How he doesn't seek help for his many problems and how his denial just makes things worse

 

Those are all traits I have or have had. I've never been an alcoholic, but I don't seek help for my problems in a conventional way.

 

The only way ill be convinced I'm free of their influence is if I can overcome every aspect of their weirdness and exterminate it.

[meoww]

Yeah I have to slog through that once again don't I?

 

I honestly can't bear the idea of being anything like them.

 

I feel like I was sucked up into their sick, perverted drama and I get so sad about it.

 

For the first time though, I don't feel sorry for them, I feel sorry for me!!!

 

I'm not a freak, I'm loving and normal and I could have been awesome had I grown up under different circumstances.

[meoww]

I believe that I'm normal. I need that foundation of normalcy to feel like my life is worth living and that I'm not a perverted sociopath like my father or a perverted narcissist like my mother.

 

It's like getting chemo

[meoww]

In the way that chemo kills off the good cells too. I've slowly been killing off old self and now she is almost completely dead. Thank god.

 

I want to cry because I'm so disgusted that I come from such low life scum but that's the truth.

[meoww]

Out of the filth I want to come out just like a girl who never had such creepy losers for parents. I'm forgetting about that. **** the truth, honestly.

 

I spent years coming to terms with this mind ****.

 

My brain is a million times better, my thoughts are more cohesive but I still can't deal with it.

 

I'm a loser by association and I just don't want to be.

[meoww]

I've got to kill my toxic love and compassion for my parents.

 

In the company of normal people it is so clear to me. That happiness is not the enemy. That a normal life is what I deserve.

[meoww]

I always knew that even back when I was a narcissistic carbon copy of my parents. Ewwwwww I'm just disgusted with myself. Could I be anymore like them?

 

But I always something was different because hanging out with real people felt so completely different.

[meoww]

On those days in high school where we were supposed to dress up, like pajama day or 80's day or 90's day or whatever else,

 

I have one memory of wearing a necklace no one else would wear.

I wanted to get dressed up before school at this one girl's house because I thought she was cool.

 

I felt like they didn't like me very much because I wasn't good at sports, I wasn't rich, I wasn't funny, and generally lame.

 

I felt the only thing I was good at was sucking up to them. Or doing outrageous things so that they could laugh--at me, more than with me.

 

So wore the ugliest outfit so that they could laugh and think I was worth keeping around.

[meoww]

Moral of the story:

 

In some ways I haven't changed much since then.

 

I still do dumb or weird things on purpose to try to make people laugh.

 

Which is fine, but I do it because I feel like no one would like me otherwise

 

It has always been a bandaid for my lack of social skills. I could disguise my awkwardness if I couldn't deal with it.

[meoww]

Basically now my goal is to actually deal with the fact that I feel like no one likes me.

 

Instead of trying to get male attention to compensate

 

Or writing people off before or after they reject me

 

I need to actually get some real charisma

And few actually loyal friends who won't sell me out eventually

[meoww]

See that should have been accomplished at age 18, not now!

 

At least I know.

 

I don't want to be socially awkward, I don't want to be the one who gets left out, I don't want to feel like want I want is always out of reach.

[meoww]

I strip off the facade of adulthood and it feels like nothing has really changed! After all this time.

 

People are still the same

 

I swear I was just lying to myself.

 

I was so clueless

[meoww]

I really am just a completely naive idiot. I have said it too many times tonight. Everything is still the same. Accepting myself

 

God what a joke. Honestly what a joke.

 

Who did I think I was kidding.

[meoww]

Ahh I feel so relieved letting that truth out there.

 

I make up so many excuses for why everything is okay

 

Why everything that has happened to me was meant to be

 

When it isn't okay at all

[meoww]

Finally the truth. Whatever self I was supposed to develop has failed to do so.

 

How I do I help myself?

[meoww]

It comes down to the fact that I still haven't picked an identity for myself.

 

I've been identity shopping for years

 

And I keep failing to keep one.

What is my issue?

[meoww]

It's impossible to mature or develop as a person if you don't have a self to develop

 

That kind of makes sense

 

That is why child abuse is so bad. That timing is completely obliterated and

 

When your childhood is robbed from you, or your young adulthood is robbed from you

It's kind of like a huge mess

[meoww]

But it doesn't matter. I'm always going to feel like half of a person if I don't have an identity

And if who I am keeps changing so much.

 

I have to choose a basic one or I'm going to be unhappy forever just like my parents

[meoww]

It's like that book about the city mouse and the country mouse

[meoww]

I think honestly in terms of that analogy

 

I'm kind of a country mouse that doesn't want to be a country mouse. But being a city mouse makes me unhappy

But it's who I feel I have to be.

 

My head or my heart?

[meoww]

That question has split me in two for about 13 years. But I have to choose don't I? It's slowly driving me insane.

 

I have to choose

This literally sucks