Insecure?

[gersanos]

Gf got mad at me. We were out eating dinner on a Monday night. It was nothing unusual or fancy. We always ate out together everyday. Place was Max and Erma's - nothing special, no speacial occasion, just a bite to eat. Exclusive for 4 months.

 

I got a phone call from a friend which I answered and talked for 5 minutes on the phone with. It was a friend of mine from high school, nothing more. I talked with her for a few minutes, and asked her what she thought about my gf. Hung up the phone then. My gf never said a word to me about it. Then, she gets all silent, tells me she's tired, and goes home. Next day she never stops by, doesnt return my calls, and finally calls me late at night saying she wants to talk.

 

We didn't break up. But she said she was on the phone all day with friends, crying, etc. She said she feels second best. I try my hardest to calm her, not get mad, and reassure her that she is number 1 in my life, that I spend so much time with her, etc, and that my friend from hs is just a friend, and I asked her what she thoguht b/c I value my friends opinions. she then says that what if she doesnt like me, then what? i told her then i would talk to her and ask her why, and convince her if it was something bad she thought

 

Is my gf really insecure? It drove me mad to explain all of this.

[Scout]

I got a phone call from a friend which I answered and talked for 5 minutes on the phone with. It was a friend of mine from high school, nothing more. I talked with her for a few minutes, and asked her what she thought about my gf. Hung up the phone then.

 

Let me get this straight. You accepted a phone call in the middle of a date with your girlfriend, from another girl, whom you then asked what her opinion was of your girlfriend? In front of your girlfriend?

 

No, your girlfriend is not insecure. You however, were insensitive - at best - to do such a thing, and owe your girlfriend a serious apology.

[avman]

I've gotta go with Scout here. When you are on a date you owe your date your complete and undivided attention. Taking a call from another woman in the middle of dinner and leaving your girlfriend hanging was very bad form my friend. Not to mention asking the other girl about your girlfriend.

 

Of course your girlfriend feels second rate right now. You basically showed her that by making the phone call more important than her. You need to do some serious apologizing about how insensitive you were, you weren't thinking straight, how can you ever make it up to her, etc.

 

Fall on your sword my man, you screwed up big time. We've all done it at one time or another. This can be fixed with some serious begging on your part.

[gersanos]

I guess maybe I should elaborate on the nature of us. We always answer phone calls when we are out together. It doesn't matter if we are eating or what. She answers calls from guys, I answer calls from girls. These are just people we are friends with. This is not a first date situation, or a formal date. We casually dated for months, and have been exclusive for 4 months. This was us hanging out all day and then grabbing some food. We go out a ton, and do this all the time. We never really go out on "dates." We don't really make formal plans, but once in a while we do. We are always together and really comfortable around each other.

 

Of course I want to know what my friends think of her. All of my friends like her, and this girl I spoke with on the phone had just recently met my gf, and was my last close friend to meet her.

 

I will admit that I may have been insensitive by asking in front of her. I may have erred here. Is it that different for asking behind the persons back? Does that make it acceptable? Maybe I'm just not as sensitive. Most girls I spoke with that I am friends with said she overreacted. I had quite a bit of explaining to do, and we have worked it out. I might be an idiot here, because I didn't even know what I did wrong, until I stopped by and we talked about it. It was quite a bit of begging I had to do, but I just didn't see it from that angle. She did this with me once, but it was a while back. We were always playful in this sense with each other. Like saying "see ya buddy" back and forth over small jokes and things similar to this that have happened.

 

It's been worked out, and it's a leason I learned. I didn;t see it in the same light though, and wondered why she was so like this. I did not mean to be insensitive.

[avman]

Well she is telling people she feels second best. Perhaps this is because you answer phone calls all the time during dates. I'd still suggest you avoid that. Pay a little more attention to her and make her feel special during the dates. Turn the phone off. Your friends can wait. I think that is something we are all guilty of sometimes. We get too comfortable in the relationship and we don't do all the nice things like we used to do. Or we get distracted with the cell phones, pagers, etc.

 

As far as asking what your friends think of her, you need to ask them that in private. Don't do that in front of your girlfriend. Thats very embarrassing for your girlfriend. She is right, what if they did have negative things to say? Would she then be expected to sit and have to listen to it?

 

I can see you weren't trying to be insensitive on purpose. You seem like a decent guy. You just made a mistake, thats all. As you saw, by accepting it and being sorry you were able to patch it up. But do try and understand where your girlfriend is coming from on this so that it doesn't happen again. And your relationship will be that much stronger for it.

[gersanos]

Thank you for replies. My friends really were not too big of a help with this. They all just said that she's overreacting, and of course, I started to think that. I was not looking at it from her perspective.

 

I have to keep my phone off when I am with her. It rings, I answer. Some people did say that ya, lots of people are guilty of doing this, but I messed up royally by asking in front of her. I did not mean that, and things are ok now. Hopefully we can grow forward from here. Thanks again

[DBL]

I would answer my phone too. If she was real insecure and he didn't answer his phone then he would be in trouble as well. Know what I mean? Then his girl would be like "why can't you speak to her when i'm around?". Else you should turn the phone off.

 

Anyway...It is fine asking your friends opinions, but I can definitely see where your girl would get upset. That converstation and quesiton should be left in private and not in front of your girl. Your seeking advice from another woman, kind of making your girl feel as if some other woman has authority in your relationship. I know it was probably all innocent and you didn't mean it. However I have done the same thing, and none of my girls ever were offended. They were actually flattered that a female friend of mine liked them. But I still would not ask in front of my girl. So all though wrong to do in front of her, she does have some insecurity issues.

 

DBL

[Scout]

Gersanos, I commend you for realizing there are always different perspectives to a situation. One thing I want to point out, because you mention both of you always take calls on your cell phones when you're out. I see people doing this all the time. I really don't understand the whole concept either. I see people yakking on their cell phones while they are handling a cash transaction at a store (which I think is rude to the clerk), while they're driving (a woman almost ran into my car the other day while she was on the phone) and when they're with a group of friends supposedly having fun.

 

I wish people wouldn't do this. And I know that my last boyfriend usually kept his ringer off when we were out and about, and we spent a lot of time together, too. It's just a common courtesy that is nice to do, even nicer when it's for someone you care about. If you look at a lot of the break up posts on eNotalone, you'll start to see a pattern: "My girl left me after two, three, four, etc. years - I know I took her for granted, but now I want to make it up to her."

 

You get the idea...taking our loved ones for granted can have unpleasant consequences sometimes.

 

I'm not saying make it an ironclad rule never to answer your phone when you two are together, but maybe both of you could ease up on doing this to a certain degree. Make an effort to re-focus on each other. I agree with Av, you sound like a decent guy who honestly cares about his girl. I do still think asking your friend about your girlfriend was...well...odd, and yes, it could have lead to a potentially embarrassing situation. I'm sure you won't do it again.

 

Good luck, and as you have discovered, eNotalone is a good place to visit to when you need objective, honest advice!

[DBL]

When i'm out if I get a call on my cell, then there is a good chance that it is something of some importance.

 

I hate people talking on their cell phones while driving. Sure enough every near accident I have had 90% of the time it is because the person is on their cell phone. In NY you get finded for talking on your cell phone while driving. If you do talk on your phone you need to use an earpiece. The other day a girl just sat at a green light...because she was not paying attention cause she was busy laughing on the cell phone. I think Florida is trying to pass the no talking while driving law as well.

 

DBL