Little update on "my new man"

[RayKay]

For those who did not read my last post, I was having some questions about trying to "read" this new guy I am dating, and I also mentioned that we were still non-exclusive as of a week or so ago, thereforeeee free to date others (and I was sort of seeing someone else, though he was only flirting with someone casually, but she was a smoker so that was not going to go anywhere as that is a no no for him). We agreed just to be open and honest if we were intimate with anyone else, or if we started getting interested in someone else. And anyway, I was just feeling a bit nervous about it as I am a bit gunshy I guess when I start to care a lot about someone and am afraid of getting hurt (and chances increase when you are not really exclusive) and I know that he was gunshy a bit too...and did not want to jump into anything blindly as in the past that had come back to bite him in the bum.

 

Anyway, we had a date last night, and seeing as I am going away for a week to Toronto, I did kind of want to know where we stood because, well I was not sure what the limits were, or the guidelines now, before I left. So, I knew I was going to talk to him, but failed to to it last night due to nerves.....so we had a great date, he stayed over and this morning, as he was getting ready to leave....I decided to go for it. I guess I could of done it in a weaker moment for him, but I wanted to do it when we were both thinking clearly so I could get an honest answer and thereforeeee decision from him. I mean, there had been some allusions made to doing things "later" andother sort of more "exclusive" things from his side, but no actual statement or decision so.

 

So, basically I just said, "so, I have a question for you" after a little wrestling fight we had, I had to spit it out! He gave me a little "uh oh" look, and I laughed and asked if he was nervous...he said a bit, as when people ask that generally something nervous inducing will follow! So I just asked him if he was feeling "less blind"....in reference to him not wanting to jump into anything. He did say things were a little less cloudy yes. And so I said good, and got nervous and could not really get anything out...lol. He did have to leave though as he had to be somewhere by 10, and so I did say there was another thing....and he gave me a couple minutes to "gear up for it". Then instead of saying the thoughtful, explanatory question I had planned on...all I could blurt out was "I don't particularly want to date anyone else...and was wondering what your feelings were on that". He looked at me pretty serious and thinking...and I was thinking uh oh...now I am all very nervous and anxious! Then he looked at me and said "I would agree with that". So, I smiled and said, so that's good, right? And he said "yes, its good. Though I don't know how serious I want to get yet", and to which I quickly added what I had meant to say before when I asked the question...that " I did not want the pace to change, as I like it, but just wanted, well, you know"...he then finished with "me all to your yourself" where I joked that "no, it was more for him, so he could have me all to his himself, that it was really all about him", then he joked that he would mark this on his calendar, the day it was all about him, so he could remember it 20 years from now. Hehe. And he definitely understood my nervousness asking a question like that!

 

So, in sum, we are now "exclusively dating", and we'll see where it develops from there I guess! I really don't want to rush anything in terms of time spent together or emotions or anything and let that just happen as we go along, but I did want to give us that fair chance I guess to see where it goes. And now I won't be able to see him or talk to him for 5 days

 

But, I think this is all good.

[Mun]

Hi Raykay,

I wish you lots of luck with this new guy. I hope you get what you want.

 

I personally would have done things a bit differently, but as long as you got the answer you were seeking I suppose it worked well for you. I have one suggestion--take it or leave it --get on the same page with him and "don' t know how serious YOU want to get yet"

 

Best wishes

[Scout]

Muneca, just curious...how would you have gone about things? To be honest, I don't think I could have raised the question at all. I prefer to let the guy do it. Because anytime I did it in the past, I always got an answer I didn't want to hear!

[RayKay]

Hi Raykay,

I wish you lots of luck with this new guy. I hope you get what you want.

 

I personally would have done things a bit differently, but as long as you got the answer you were seeking I suppose it worked well for you. I have one suggestion--take it or leave it --get on the same page with him and "don' t know how serious YOU want to get yet"

 

Best wishes

 

Hey thanks Muneca....I admit it was maybe not the best way to things.. .but the thing is, I also don't believe in being anyone else than I am...and given my past experiences, I deserve to make sure I am not being played with basically.....I am not going to get involved if there is too much risk of hurt (ie he is distracting himself with other people). There is so much opposing advice on all of this...but I just read "he's not that into you" again, and said heck, I deserve to find out the situation. Normally I would wait...but the thing is I feel pretty strong feelings for him, and being as gunshy and jaded as I am ( ) I felt that before I let myself get much more involved, I wanted to know where I stood.

 

And by the way, I did say that I did not want the pace of how we are currently going, etc to change at all, as I liked how we were taking it (which is fairly casual) just wanted to well, give the relationship a fair chance without distractions from others. I am not even sure where it is going to go yet, but feel it deserves a good chance. I am not even going to call "us" anything more than "exclusively dating" (so none of that bf/gf thing yet..lol)

 

I actually had talked to a couple of my guy friends about this before I did it (and one of them being a major commitment phobe yet too!), and they advised that I should just mention that I was not particularly interested in seeing anyone else and had decided not to (and not say that HE couldn't) but just to ask what he felt about it. As from what I said it sounded like he was interested in me, and I had a good chance of making it more exclusive...and that really, since they know me, there was no reason he should not want to.

[Scout]

Muneca, one more question: do you think she should have asked the question before or after her trip?

 

RayKay, truly thanks for sharing your experiences with us. I think it provides a good forum for all of us as we feel our way through new relationships. So, I hope you don't take my questions/comments negatively. Like you noted in a previous post, we're all sort of the walking wounded here....I just know that I need to change a lot of things I've done in past relationships, and it's really helpful to read/share with others.

[RayKay]

Muneca, one more question: do you think she should have asked the question before or after her trip?

 

RayKay, truly thanks for sharing your experiences with us. I think it provides a good forum for all of us as we feel our way through new relationships. So, I hope you don't take my questions/comments negatively. Like you noted in a previous post, we're all sort of the walking wounded here....I just know that I need to change a lot of things I've done in past relationships, and it's really helpful to read/share with others.

 

Hey Scout, actually I debated whether to ask before or after...but I knew if I waited until after, I would be thinking of it too much during the trip. So maybe yes I could of waited, but I too admit that I also wanted some security to know how we both were going to 'behave' while I was away - I admitted it The trip will still give him some time to miss me I hope!

 

I was sooo incredibly nervous about it (and probably worked to my advantage last night as it made me seem more aloof..lol)...because I really was not sure what his response would be...I just had to have faith that we had a good time together, enjoyed one anothers company and were seeming to have some good connections. But, I tell you...in the future he can be the one to bring this stuff up! I don't think I was too out of line, I think it maybe surprised him a bit, but it seemed to work out alright.

 

And your welcome Scout, I don't take your responses negatively, and in fact try to see from your point of view too....it is always good to get some different opinions to feel things out more!

[Scout]

Good, because here comes another opinion

 

I would have at least waited until AFTER the trip. First, you would have been able to see how he acted while you were gone for some time...would he call/email you/offer to pick you up at the airport? Etc. Also, you would be able to tell when you got back if he really missed you by how you acted.

 

Although it can work either way. My last ex and I had a "tiff" before I went out of town for a week. We kind of made up, but it was still a little awkward. So, I was kind of anxious most of the week. My last day, he offered to pick me up from the airport, but I had already made paid arrangements for a ride. So he met me at my house: with a bouquet of flowers. You can be sure I was relieved!

 

Of course, you didn't have a tiff, but you did have "the talk" - and we'll see if this freaks him out or endears you to him even more, when you get back. So now, you're going to be worrying on your trip anyway, oops. Anyway, try not to too much. Remember your last relationship? You really don't want to stress as much in this new one as you did in the last, do you?

[RayKay]

Hey Scout, well thats the thing...he can't email as I won't have access, he can't call as I am turning my phone off (I don't need roaming and LD charges with my budget! and I am taking a car with my sister to the airport and parking it there! He knows all that.

 

I am not going to worry too much on my trip, I am going for fun and have tons to keep me busy. What is, just is, and will be. I don't think I have too much to worry about with him, nothing had really even changed, other than fact that we won't actually go on dates with anyone else...which he was not doing anyway... now it is just "official" that we are not doing so, I only think that is sort of a fair thing to know, and for him to even know on my side

[Scout]

Being exclusive is a big change, Ray Kay. You're kind of downplaying it. I'm just a little concerned that you may have rushed this talk.

[RayKay]

Being exclusive is a big change, Ray Kay. You're kind of downplaying it. I'm just a little concerned that you may have rushed this talk.

 

Maybe, but I am also going from past experiences....any long term relationship I have been in, there has been that exclusivity from very early on, if not from right away. If you are "into" someone, why play around? Especially when you are both busy people, and it seems a bit too much to date anything more than one person anyway given the amount of time you actually have. I have never had a guy say "I think you are great/intriguing/sexy/fun and I want to stick around and find out more....but I am going to keep looking for others in the meantime JUST in case". Usually if they are saying the first part, and in their actions are not dating anyone else either, then well....he had the option to say I am not ready for that, or lets wait a while longer and see. That is why I did make sure when I did ask that is was when we were in a situation where it did not feel like I was cornering or taking advantage of him.

 

I guess I do not see going "exclusive" it as such a big change from what we are....I mean, we can both still opt out! And I guess I just don't consider it a full blown relationship talk yet, more of a "lets just date each other for now" thing. We are not changing how often we see each other or relate to each other.

 

I am not happy with my 'delivery' of what I asked as I was so nervous, but I think it is fair to see whether we are going to want to try this out, or distract ourselves with others. In my experience at least, with online dating generally you lay these things out a lot earlier on, because it is so easy to date, and there are so many people on there whose intent is purely to date a lot of people and not let anything go anywhere. Then there are some people on there who are serious about finding someone special and want a relationship.

 

I'd love some more opinions on this though from people!

[RayKay]

And I guess all is cool, I was talking to him earlier this evening and he asked what I was up to tonight, which was admittedly not much besides packing and organizing for my early flight....so he invited me out to meet a couple of his friends later on this evening, and is coming over to chill a bit beforehand while I finish packing....so I have to run and finish getting ready!

 

 

[Mun]

I would not have raised the question at all. I understand your need to know where you stand Raykay, but my belief is that if the man is not bringing up this topic then he is not ready to discuss it.

 

You exposed your feelings and told him your intentions. No secrets there. He agreed that you should not date anyone else if you are not comfortable with that, but he very quickly protected himself (IMO) by saying he didn't know how serious he wanted to get yet. This for me would have sent up a red flag. I guess I'm just very skeptical. I would have wanted him to respond with " well I don't think I want to date anyone else either" anything beside that would have been too ambiguous for me.

 

Of course only you know him Raykay and you can judge his words and actions better. If he is the type who does not skim around a subject then you should not have any worries. I worry about a man who will say " I told you it was fine with me if YOU wanted to date exclusively, but I didn't say I would"

 

I guess as they say the end justifies the means. You got the answer you were looking for... and I hope that I'm wrong .

[RayKay]

Hi Muneca, actually he did not say he did not want to/I should not if I was not comfortable with it, he said that he felt the same way and that he did not want to date anyone else either and wanted to date me exclusively as well....so neither of us is dating anyone else BUT each other in other words. By serious...we had talked about that before...and I am not quite ready to call him my boyfriend etc yet either, we are just only dating one another and not sure how deep in we want to get, I think he was just trying to make sure what has happened in his past did not reoccur (started practically living with one another, etc and moved too fast).

[RayKay]

Hey everyone! I wanted to post another update since I just got back from my trip. And of course rather than talk about my trip, I want to give an update on the new guy, especially as Scout said to watch what he did while I was away

 

That night of our talk (night before I left) he actually called to ask if I wanted to take a break from packing and go out with him and meet a couple of his friends, which I did and in fact we ended up picking up my bags and I stayed over there until I had to leave at 5:00 am. We ended up emailing one another everyday once each way (just to talk about our day, and give little comments on how we were looking forward to seeing each other again, and I had sent him a short text message on last day just to say good morning, as I could not reply to his email and he called me a few hours later while I was at the airport to talk and see how my trip had gone...and then called me while I was just getting off the plane to invite me to a social on Saturday evening, as well as asked if I wanted to come by after the airport...which I did and we talked when I got there for a good while.

 

So it appears that after the talk, he has not been scared off and in fact is even wanting to see me fairly often and talk to me regularly. In fact, I was surprised when he called me that very evening after our talk and asked me out again!

[Mun]

Hi Raykay,

I'm glad you cleared that up ( about what he responded). Wow it looks like he is doing all the right things. I'm happy for you--this guy might be a keeper .

 

I think you are doing the right thing in not wanting to put a name on the relationship and taking things slow. Of course only you know what is best for you, but things look pretty good from this side too.

 

Love

[RayKay]

Hi Raykay,

I'm glad you cleared that up ( about what he responded). Wow it looks like he is doing all the right things. I'm happy for you--this guy might be a keeper .

 

I think you are doing the right thing in not wanting to put a name on the relationship and taking things slow. Of course only you know what is best for you, but things look pretty good from this side too.

 

Love

 

Thanks muneca...I am definitely trying to take things slow, though as you know it can be VERY hard to do when you are excited about someone and want to spend time with them and get to know them...but I also feel that this is potentially something good (a keeper as you say) and could be long term and really feel then we should have lots of time to TAKE our time. And, since we are both trying to take it slower, and take things as they come, it makes it a bit easier. And of course, I will allow him to be the one to bring up any future relationship talks as I mentioned before!

 

I really like him, and am feeling good about it. And given his actions the last week, I don't regret asking him what I did last weekend! It has so far turned out pretty well!

 

And while sometimes I worry a bit about it all, and whether I am doing things right, my guy friends have said his signals are very good and that it looks all positive...so positive thoughts!

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey RayKay,

 

Though it sounds like you have plenty of guy input, I just thought I'd chime in and say he's definitely doing everything right. Not too much and not too little--just right!

 

Best of luck! Sparrow.

[RayKay]

Hey RayKay,

 

Though it sounds like you have plenty of guy input, I just thought I'd chime in and say he's definitely doing everything right. Not too much and not too little--just right!

 

Best of luck! Sparrow.

 

Thanks sparrow! It is still going really well. We went out last night to a social, and actually stayed up until 7:30 this morning.....tired now but had a great time together last night - lots of talking and dancing..and romancing We seem to have something really good going on here I think He is showing his interest more too definitely...through both words and actions and it appears he is opening up a lot more. I will of course keep everyone updated!